30 yo 5'6 130llb heavy smoker, around 6-8 blunts a day. Last time smoking was 3-2.Took an at home test.. promising results. Had lab test today but still a lil nervous

The Drake materializes out of a shadowed stonework alcove in Salazsar, her dusty maroon scales that are peppered with a hidden layer of yellow cascade across her lithe, muscular, body. Her clothing is simple and economical. She's wearing a very nice long black canvas overcoat, a dark-brown linen long-sleeved shirt, well-worn brown denim pants, and an understated, yet expensive, pair of leather boots. Minus the coat, it's the kind of clothing you would expect to see on [Climbers] and [Miners]; the sort who would need something affordable and strong that repaired easily and lasted. Her coat is the outlier of her outfit, but in the winter chill she's no outlier for wearing one.
It's apparent that she's middle-aged, and you'd never mistake her for a younger Drake. From the state of her scales, she looks to be in her fifties, and she wears the age with a rugged beauty. Her limbs have a subtle power to them, and you can tell that her natural muscle, honed through years of back-breaking labour of some sort, are enhanced by a Skill or two. If you were closely watching her, the next thing you would notice is the pain that she's in. This woman is in pain, of both the mental and physical variety. Some people have a life harder than others and this woman has had a life harder than most. You can tell she is in pain because of her expression. Her blue-gray eyes squint, her brows furrow automatically, jaw clenched as she grits her teeth, and she has a scowl permanently affixed to her face. Her name is Kessva Sewing, a name spoke in hushed pitying whispers from those who have heard her story from someone else who heard it from an acquaintance. A few years ago she lost her only daughter in a mine collapse, and her husband shortly after from suicide.
It would be easy to assume she had become a wretched person based on her constant expression, the kind who drinks and takes it out on others, but you can tell that there's a kindness hidden deep below. That she's constantly restraining any negativity and hate. Her agony has not crushed her spirit, it has not made her hate people, it has not made her mean, it has compressed her soul into something purer, something stronger. She forever moves forward, living on with permanent agony that wont leave her until the day she breathes her last, and that day will be a long while from today, you can tell. She effortlessly blends into the crowd while still being apart from it, a separate element still integrated into the whole. She moves with purpose, focusing her mind on her task, weaving her way forward through the crowd, trailing a young female Gnoll.
The Gnoll looks to be about fifteen, she is of the tall and wiry variety, her fur well groomed and meticulously trimmed. She must come from a wealthier family, considering her clothing. She wears a muted green long-sleeve shirt and a dark-blue pair of cotton pants. As she darts ahead, she gives constant cautious glances to and fro. In her mind she's scanning the crowd, looking for danger, but in reality she just looks nervous and skittish. Suspicious, in other words. She's moving towards a goal of some sort, and her hands wont stop feeling at a pocket on the left side of her pants, before they move away quickly as if touching a hot pan, as if she's afraid someone will see her placing her hand there. Everything about her screams inexperienced criminal. Just a few days from ruining her future. She couldn't make a [Dangersense] Skill go off if she tried.
She quickly slides into an alleyway, one of probably tens of thousands that exist in Salazsar. You wouldn't be able to tell it apart from any other alleyway in the city, but it somehow manages to look less inconspicuous than the surrounding side streets. Passersby find that their eyes simply glide over the area, as if it wasn't there. The hallmark of Skill usage. She gives a shaky breath, thinking that she's made it. A rise of excitement rises up within her, a feeling of importance and righteousness. She gives another criminal's glance around and sees not a soul, then breathes out deeply. It's time, and she's in the perfect spot. Her hand steadies and reaches towards her left pocket, before withdrawing the item carried within. As her hand rises from her pocket, so too rises the wand of [Fireball]. Or, it should have, for where the wand was grasped in her hand is now an empty spot, and a iron claws wrap around her wrist.
"Aaah!"
The startled Gnoll, Errkia Tiekha, snaps her head around in fear and tries to get away. She quickly burns through a few Skills, and she has a handful that are useful in these situations because she's an [Anarchist] and [Urban Explorer], and finds with shock that they don't seem to have had much of an impact. Kessva Sewing grunts, and has to use two Skills, one of which being [Stable Grip], to hold on, but Errkia is low-level in both of her classes and Kessva can mostly rely on her honed strength to overpower the Skills.
"What are you doing!... You can't prove I was doing anything wrong!" Errkia shouts quickly, sounding almost as unconvinced with the argument as Kessva does.
"I'm stopping you from making a hatchling's mistake, what are you thinking?!?"
Kessva drops the wand of [Fireball] into her coat pocket and grabs Errkia's other arm. The younger Gnoll has a fearful expression and struggles for a second, feet sliding on the slick cobblestone in the alley, but gives up when it's apparent that she can't escape. She'd just tire herself out in the Level 32 former [Reliable Mine Supervisor]'s grasp.
"Listen, kid, we're going to have a talk. I've noticed you and your little 'friends' running around causing trouble, and if you don't want me taking you on a one-way trip to The Watch you'd better sit down and have a talk with me."
Kessva fixes the terrified girl with a hard, unflinching, stare.
"You don't understand! You just don't get it!"
The young [Anarchist] shouts, more towards the street than the female Drake restraining her, now desperately hoping she can get someone else's attention and break away.
"Alright, if you're going to play difficult with me, I'm going to have to make this harder for you. [Supervisor's Reprimand] Do you have any idea how dumb your idea is, as if running around with a deathtrap of a wand playing rookie criminal, is going to affect anything!? You wouldn't change anything, just start down a life where you'll spend most your days staring out of enchanted prison bars, or dead."
The fight goes out of Kessva suddenly, as if she's just now realizing the stupidity of her intended actions. The Skill will last for awhile, it's one of Kessva's better ones, and one that she relied on a lot when she still had a career in the mines. She's semi-retired now.

She walks, mostly drags, Errkia to her small condo. Once they make it to her humble house, she drops the Gnoll into a well made wooden seat in the living room, before starting to make them both a cup of tea.
Errkia stares erratically around the sparsely furnished apartment as Kessva clinks and clanks in the kitchen, but by now she's realizing that the Drake probably doesn't intend to hurt her. And she couldn't escape if she tried her best. She's upset, not about getting caught, but more because she didn't get to use her expensive [Fireball] wand that she bought from a friend. That was going to have been so much fun. She's been chewed out before, and already she's building up a mental wall, preparing to shut herself off from the world and the dressing down that's coming her way.
"I hope you like Chai tea, because it's all I have at the moment. Do you want any sugar in yours? Don't worry about the cost, I'm prepared to use some special, just for you."
Kessva says, in a voice that sounds like a long, gentle, sigh. Kinder than seems should be coming from the scarred calloused Drake with an iron grip. Softer than the harsh words she said earlier. It startles Errkia out of her mental preparations and she feels a bit of mental whiplash as she tries to reorient herself. This conversation isn't going where she thought it was going to go.
With a clink that reverberates through the room, the former [Miner] sets down the two beautiful teacups, before lowering herself into the seat with a pained grunt. They must have been important, they're obviously custom-made, and on each is the design of stylized Drake and Gnoll [Miners] sitting down and having a lunch break. It's cutesy, and feels out of place when compared to the gruff-looking woman in front of her.
"Back's not like it used to be, without my Skills I'd struggle to be as agile as I am. My name is Kessva Sewing, by the way."
Kessva holds a hand to her back, and Errkia fixes her with a look that says 'I don't care, I'm young and angry at the world' before grumpily studying the tea as if that would make any poison disappear, before picking up the teacup and taking a sip. And promptly grimacing.
"Gross."
Kessva laughs, and it's a genuine laugh. Errkia Tiekha gets the sense that she's done this countless times, sitting down with forlorn or angry [Miner]'s over a cup of tea when they did something stupid. It only makes her angrier. Not because she dislikes Kessva, but because Kessva is likeable, and she feels angry that she doesn't feel so angry anymore. It feels like when her parents are disappointed in something she did, but still forgiving of it. For a moment she suspects the use of a Skill, and then feels ashamed at her suspicion as Kessva reaches over and drops a bit of sugar into her tea.
"Hopefully that will help, if you want more free to add as much as you want. I don't drink mine with sugar."
They sit in silence, sipping their tea, and time passes by for a few minutes. The young Gnoll takes a look around the room, really looking now, trying to figure out who Kessva Sewing really is. There are two paintings of Drakes that she assumes are Kessva's family, and some trinkets, bits of ore or gems displayed from mining operations gone well. There's a scroll on the wall that says something about her service to the Emera corporation, but she can't make out more than the title. Besides that there's not much else besides the worn furniture and the teacups, which leads her to believe that the lady doesn't spend much time in her own home.
"Alright, let's talk."
Kessva says and startles Errkia out of her observations.
"Do you enjoy it?"
"What?"
Errkia says, confused.
"Do you enjoy being a [Rebel] or [Thief] or whatever class you are?"
"I'm an [Anarchist]..."
The young Gnoll says grumpily, with a hint of pride, as if it's obvious what she is.
"Alright [Anarchist], do you enjoy being an [Anarchist]?"
Kessva's tone of voice isn't judging, and is purely curious, which surprises Errkia. She wonders for a moment if the Drake has a truth stone or something and decides to just be honest. She doesn't feel the need to lie here, not now. Especially if telling the truth gets her out of going to jail.
"Yeah, it's exciting."
To her surprise, Kessva gives a knowing nod.
"I have no doubt it is, I think we all have times where we wish we could run around and cause a bit of chaos. Especially as we get older."
She gives a full grin, and gives the impression that she has a history herself of dubious deeds.
"What, think I'm going to be angry at you? Yell at you? I get it, I really do. It's fun to run around with your friends, hit the town, fool around. I did it for awhile, and then I grew up."
The words make Errkia flinch. They're honest words, and the kinds of words she didn't want to hear. She's obviously new to the [Anarchist] lifestyle. Kessva stands up for a moment and walks over to take some snacks out of a cabinet she obviously has pre-prepared for these kinds of talks. It once again fills Errkia with irritation. She wont let this Drake talk her down. Kessva places the snacks down on the table and sits again with another grunt, rubbing at a spot in her back.
"What are you wanting to achieve, what do you want to do as an [Anarchist]?"
The question stumps Errkia for a sliver of a moment. Obviously she wants to, uh, take down the establishment! It wasn't a question she was expecting, okay?
"I want to take down the establishment! The greedy Wall Lords and Ladies. The rich! I want things to be equal for everyone. I want to tear the system down."
She says, not really understanding who the 'establishment' is. Tacitly ignoring the fact that she's come from money herself. Someone has fed her these lines and she believes them with confidence.
"Alright, what are you going to do after you take them down, the 'establishment'?"
This question really stumps Errkia. Nobody she's talked to has told her what comes after, just that they need to stop the man the people in charge. Her face flushes behind her scales, but she still finds some words after deliberating.
"We make a better Salazsar, one where everyone is equal, where Gnolls and the poor and [Miners] aren't oppressed and we all get a fair share! Where everyone gets to live their life and not worry about if they can eat, where they can retire, where injuries don't ruin their lives."
The words are the most heartfelt she's said so far. They come from deep within her. They're childish, but real, and they're only hers. Not lines she's been fed, not ideals she's been given from someone else. These come from the soul, they are intrinsic to her, and to who she wants to be. Gone is the anger towards the world, instead it's replaced with anger against injustice in general, passion for peace and anger for those who oppress. She believes in a better world, and it makes Kessva so very sad. Deep down most people long for a fairer world, even if it's just for them, and she knows the feeling all too well.
"I wish we could. I wish we could take the Wall Lords and Wall Ladies down from their towers tomorrow, take them to the mines and force them to see the plight of common Drakes and Gnolls. I want to shove it in their faces and scream. I want to yell at them, beat them, to show them what they're doing to us, and I want at least Salazsar to be better. To be a city where the world looks at us, like Khelt or Samal, and knows that's how it should be."
Errkia steadily looks her in the eye.
"So why don't you? If you really think so too why don't you also become an [Anarchist]? Why did you stop me?"
Kessva was expecting it but the words still slap her across the face. 'Why don't you.' Time has beaten down on her, but her soul burns of brighter stuff.
"I have. I've spent my life trying. I'm a Level 32 [Reliable Mine Supervisor] and I didn't get there from hurting folks and crushing people underneath me. I did my best to help, to keep my friends and employees safe. To help those who were injured, to keep people employed. I moved up because I wanted to change things, and I thought that if I gained in level that I could. Maybe I did, for awhile, in the areas I could control, but only there. I did the best I could and I'm glad I was able to do what I did. But using a fake [Fireball] wand and blowing your claws off isn't going to help people. Assaulting [Miners] for working for the corporations wont make things better. Hurting people because you can wont change anything, and it hasn't. Damaging artwork and trying to cause riots in the city isn't helping either. I don't know the best way to make things better, but what you [Anarchists] are doing isn't making things better, it's making them worse. Ancestors, where did such a Class even come from."
You can see the sadness and the fatigue reappear on her face, although it never really left. It's part of who she is now. She doesn't age, instead it's as if the age settles further on her. The [Anarchist] can see now more than ever who Kessva is, and who she used to be. She can imagine a young lady much like herself, filled with passion, and the desire for change. The worn Drake stands up and puts a hand on Errkia's shoulder.
"Follow me for a moment, I have something to show you."
The Gnoll stands, and follows her out. Now she's feeling a bit shaken. She knew about the art destruction, but hadn't heard about [Miners] getting hurt, or riots trying to be started. She can feel the need to convince Kessva in her bones, but stays quiet for a moment and lets her lead her through the city. It's not her moment anymore, and she'll have her turn.

Kessva leads her up a tower that Errkia didn't know was there. Soon she's higher than she's ever been and when she steps off the last step onto level ground she feels a sense of wonder. They step out onto a sort of platform, and the Gnoll gasps. The sky is bright orange, chasing the last dregs of sunset, before transitioning to a dark blue, carrying the coming night with it. The twin moons sit in the sky, pale guardians, surrounded by a crowd of stars, vying for their attention. It's freezing, her breathe fogs as she breathes out in the cold winter air, but it's worth it. The city is aglow with lights coming from everywhere down below; windows, buildings, streetlamps. There are countless lights shimmering and sparkling like the starlit sky brought down to earth for mortals to see. The people, not unlike ants, move through the city like a tide and she realizes that in a way she's seeing the entire history of a city here. Thousands of years of growth, construction, expansion, all leading to where the city is today. And what is a city without its' people? How many millions of people live and work here, going about their lives, loving, crying, just existing. Building the city stone by stone, brick by brick. Somewhere at some point the first brick was layed, the first foundation created, and the city was born. An emotion rises within her, a feeling of loss and sadness. She knows that this will be one of the most beautiful sights she'll ever see in her life, and suddenly she's hit by a desire to show everyone she knows this spot. How can the rich see this every day and not want to better the lives of others? How can they see such a sight and still step on those beneath them? Kessva gives her a pat on the back and walks over to lean on the railing.
"My husband showed me this spot, and I think it was one of the greatest gifts he ever gave me, along with my daughter, and our love. I know that long after I'm gone people will still discover this tower and others like it, they'll see this beauty through different eyes, and know why so many Drakes and Gnolls stay here. That will never be taken that away from us. How can you want to destroy this? Throw all the Wall Lords and Ladies off their towers, but everyone deserves to see this sight, this..."
She loses the words, for a moment trapped in a past Errkia doesn't know. The sadness shows up on her face again, but there's also something else there. Relief, happiness? She only now realizes how lonely Kessva is, how sad she is. How much she wants others to be happy, when she couldn't and can't. The [Anarchist] speaks up.
"I don't want to destroy the city, I just want to stop the corporations from controlling everything."
"No, tearing down the city is exactly what you're doing. I've seen [Protestors] before, [Miners] striking, crowds shouting for a change, people stopping anyone from entering a certain mine to work. You [Anarchists] are different. That wand you bought, how much was it?"
"300 gold."
Errkia says sheepishly, a pit opening up in her stomach. It was a lot, for her especially. She sold off several of her own possessions for it.
"This wand isn't a real wand of [Fireball]. If you had activated it you would have blown your hand off, possibly killed yourself. Whoever made this or sold this to you couldn't enchant worth a Creler's ass."
"That's not- you don't know that!"
The young Gnoll shouted, feeling a pit of anger and shame open deep inside her. She knew it was too good to be true, but she trusted her friends judgement.
"Let me show you something, and after I do we're going to need to run, so get ready for that."
Kessva said with a frank tone that invited confusion. She slowly, carefully, pulled the wand out of her pocket, before chucking it off the tower.
"Hey! You can't just do that, that was-"
"[Controlled Activation]"
Errkia doesn't get to finish her sentence before the world goes white from the explosion and she goes pale. While she's blinking spots out of her eyes only one thought enters her mind. That would have killed her if she had activated it like planned. They can already hear a few startled screams below, but the explosion was so high up and far away it wasn't anywhere close to touching anything, or hurting anyone. After sprinting away they breathlessly make it back to somewhere out of sight. Kessva rests against a wall, planting her hands on her knees, breathing in shaky gasps.
"Dead gods, I haven't had to sprint like that in awhile. I'm going to be feeling this tomorrow and I already feel it. Your friend who enchanted that and sold it to you, that's who you want running things? That's the kind of person you want trying to take down the corporations?"
"I didn't know. They- they're cool, they just need time. They'll level and things will change."
The [Anarchist] paled, and realized that the people she hung out with were more talk than action. Kessva walks over to her, preparing for her final talk of the night.
"I've led you on long enough, let me get to it before we run out of daylight. I didn't come to you for nothing, and I mean what I said. [Anarchist] is a dangerous class, but I want you to help me."
The look of confusion Errkia gave her made her want to laugh. As if saying 'wait, you weren't just trying to convince me to not be an [Anarchist] this whole time?'
"I'm a member of a group, who knows if it'll get anywhere, if we can change anything, but we're trying. We're trying to 'unionize' and bargain with the corporations, get better conditions for everyone, Gnolls especially. Our belief is that if we can get enough people we can beat any Skills that come our way, we can force them to negotiate better conditions, better hours, better pay. A city is useless without its people. Working under some Wall Lords is much better than others, and we're trying to make it so that working for even the worst Wall Lord will be a good, safe, job. Well, as safe as mining can be. For all the flaws of the [Anarchist] class, there are some interesting Skills there, and I want you to help me make this happen. As bad as it sounds, we need criminal classes. The corporations are just gonna sick The Watch and their private armies on us. I'm trying to get as many people as I can. It's going to be a mess, but we have to try. Are you willing to help me?"
There was a look of righteousness there, a feeling of justice. Kessva knows she's in the right, and she has the levels and Skills to make sure she can organize this without getting people needlessly hurt. She still looks tired, worn, sad, but there's a sense of purpose that has never left her, even since she was young, she has only recently realized how to use it. Mining isn't her life anymore, she's changed. She's a Level 11 [Union Organizer]. And Errkia Tiekha knows that this was what she was chasing all along. Things wont be perfect, but it will be a step towards the fairness she so dearly wants. Her eyes meet Kessva's, and a weight leaves her body. The only thing she says is-
"Yes."

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My (26F) mother in law (late 50s) is killing me. I’m having nightmares. For backstory, I got a kidney transplant in 2019. About one month later, she and I were picking up lunch (for ourselves and our respective husbands) at a Cracker Barrel. There were some baby onesies hanging nearby and she sort of pawed at them and asked “will you ever be able to have kids?” Oh my GOD, my organs were fried and I was literally in a coma for six days. I don’t even know.
I said “well, I’m not sure, but if I could I know it would have to be at least two years from now.” Why did I let that information pass my lips? No idea. So two years passed, and it resumed like she had penned the date on her calendar. “When are you having kids?” “I wish I had some grandkids to play in my backyard.” “Are you guys EVER going to have kids?” My husband (29) finally said “probably not.” just to get it to stop. We aren’t even sure. We don’t know if we want them, we don’t know if I can, I have a long and complicated medical history, please just leave it alone!!
Additionally, she works for a DMV-type situation. Every year, she will wish me happy birthday. The next day, she asks “did you pay your car tags?” And I will of course, say no because my birthday is in the middle of the month and it isn’t truly necessary until the end of the month. She will text again, a few days later. And again. And again. My birthday was about 2 weeks ago and she has texted me 8 times. When I quit responding because I have nothing nice to say, she texts me asking if I’ve received the texts. She has now resorted to texting my husband. I KNOW that they’re late. They are so barely late. I will deal with it. Oh my god.
Someone just grab me by the shoulders and shake me.

Firstly, I apologize if there are any grammatical errors in my story. English is my second language.
So here's the story. It's around 7 pm yesterday and I was stressed and hungry AF so I decided to go to the ATM in my town. When I get there, the queue for the ATM is so long that I thought there was a talent audition or sumthing (I live in the Philippines so this is pretty much normal in here.)
I waited for like a fking hour just to get my turn to withdraw my money and a sudden black out happened which added to my stress level so I waited for the electricity to come back again for like 30 minutes.At this time, the security guard informed us that we shouldn't use the other ATM because it might not return the card once inserted since there was a blackout. He warned us that it has a history of malfunctioning when there is a blackout.
So here I am, about to insert my card in the ATM when this mfking wrinkly old ass bitch cut in line, pushed me like I'm her bitch, and then proceeded to say "Let me go first, I'm a senior" with an arrogant tone that makes every entitled bitch in America pale in comparison. I was shocked of course. There are also old ladies nehind my back and I'll gladly let 'em go first since they are nice enough to wait in the queue but not this old stinky ass lady in front of me.
So, I did what every sane person would do that believes in justice. I've let God to become his instrument of justice and proceeded to point her to the ATM that guard warned us about not to use. The funny thing is, the people behind me didn't say anything about it being broken to the old ass lady. I can feel their hatred to that old ass stinky ass bitchy ass soon-to-die bitch so maybe that's the reason why they didn't stop me.
Fast forward, the bitch hurriedly inserted her ATM card and lo and behold, the machine didn't load and her card is stuck inside the machine. LOL. She was fuming and proceeded to go to her final Karen boss form and called the guard that told us not to use that ATM earlier. The bitch was angry as fuck and enduring my laugh was also hard as hell. The security guard asked me why I didn't tell her and I said that I didn't hear his instructions earlier. He also asked the people behind me and they also gave the same answer. HAHAHAHAHAHA
I finished my withdrawal of money and left there with a smile in my face. I'm sure the people behind me were happy too. My stress was gone by that moment and told myself "what a great day to be an asshole of justice"

This is going to be theory, so please be gentle. I'm going to put forward my idea as to the true identity of the mastermind behind the assassination of Godwyn The Golden, their accomplices, and the reason why, as well as why they've already won before the game even started. I'll present as much evidence as I can to support this theory, so please bear with me.
Before I begin, a bit of history. This is a reconstruction of history that I've concluded after reviewing a lot of lore and seeing parallels that I couldn't ignore and it all forms the foundation for the theory.
Before the age of the Erdtree and the Golden Order, there were primordial gods that were responsible for the birth and maintenance of life in the Lands Between. These gods oversaw the world and guided the dead to their final resting place. An afterlife existed, most likely across the sea given the existence of both the Death Birds and the Tibia Mariners, as well as how we see many corpse-like humans gravitating toward the beaches in-game. When all sanity and reason are lost, a primal instinct drives mankind to the ocean.
Anyway, of these primordial gods, three are critical to the understanding of the theory: The Crucible, The Tree Of Life, and Destined Death. The Crucible was the place from which all life was birthed, and anything that encountered the Crucible would be changed, given wings, horns, scales, claws, or other features to distinguish them. Meanwhile, the Tree Of Life was likewise a god, although one of a different type. Where the Crucible was a force for the creation of Life, the Tree Of Life was a force for the creation of Order, bringing structure and logic to the life spawned by the Crucible, prolonging life, and granting bounty to all living things.
Life without Order is nothing more than cancer that would rot away that which lives. Order without Life is a cold, dead, sterile thing. Thus, one cannot exist without the other. However, while the Crucible was essentially a blind, idiot god, the Tree Of Life had intelligence and agency within the world.
Meanwhile, Destined Death would clear away the old things to make room for the new, and guide the dead to their final resting place. While its role was crucial, it had little concern with the mortal world beyond bearing the spirits of the dead to their destination.
Thus, for an unknown time, the world was in order, with Birth, Life, and finally Death. While other, lesser, gods existed, these three were the ones that dominated the ancient world.
The Tree Of Life had a champion, a being that would come to be known as the Elden Lord, and would grant to its champion what would come to be known as the Elden Ring. The first Elden Lord would be the king of dragons, who would use that power to rule over all things, changing and adjusting the order of the world to keep all things in balance. From Faraam Azula, the Elden Lord ruled over the Lands Between, as well as being a place of worship for the gods of both life and death with temples depicting the shape of the true Tree of Life as well as its avatar, a childish figure served by a trio of wolves. Pin that for later.
Then, one day, a golden star fell to the Lands Between, and upon striking the ground, grew into a great, golden tree, far more "divine" than the Tree Of Life, and began to siphon strength from the Tree Of Life, supplanting it as the power of Order and Bounty within the world before burying the remains of the weakened tree deep beneath its roots.
This is the tree stump we find in the depths of the Erdtree's roots, the remnants of a fallen god. However, gods are not easily killed, and this god would be no exception. Put a pin in this for later.
The other primordial gods did not sit idle in response to this, but their power was limited. The Crucible was, again, a blind, idiot god that had no will of its own, so when the Erdtree and its god tired of having to deal with the Crucible's mutations, the Crucible was forced deep underground by a mortal champion where, now bereft of sunlight and order, became a foul and cancerous thing, the Scarlet Rot.
Yes, I believe the Scarlet Rot and the Crucible are one and the same. After all, as we see in Caelid, everything impacted by the rot is twisted and changed, with crows and dogs being changed into massive, hideous beasts, trees becoming warped and strange, and humans eventually becoming cancerous blobs of flesh. Without the guidance of the Tree Of Life, it lacks the direction needed to make the changes brought by the former Crucible beneficial, so many of the creatures impacted by the rot are lessened or worsened, not helped. Cancer, instead of beneficial mutations or evolution. Degeneration, instead of birth and change.
While the Scarlet Rot was contained, a portion of it remained within all living things, and it would occasionally show itself in the Misbegotten and the Omens. As the Erdtree had manipulated mortals into believing that these were signs of a curse, instead of a blessing, these would be banished and ostracised from the Golden Order, to prevent any from questioning why such things might exist if the Crucible was supposed to be the primordial form of the Erdtree.
However, while the Crucible was a blind, mindless thing, Destined Death was something altogether different. It saw that the Erdtree had supplanted the afterlife meant for the living, and was now absorbing the flesh and souls of the dead into itself, claiming that it was an afterlife where all would become one with the Erdtree, when in reality the "divine" tree was sustaining itself by consuming the flesh and spirits of its followers. The Erdtree was not divine, but a parasite that grew fat upon its flock.
This would not stand, so Destined Death chose to act. While its power was limited in the world of the living, with a champion, it could act. It chose an Empyrean, a being who could bear inhabitation of the divine, and by doing so became the Gloam-Eyed Queen. Wielding the Black Flame of Destined Death, she gave birth to the Godskins and the God-Devouring Serpents to make war against the usurping Erdtree and those who served it.
However, the Erdtree had prepared well for this with its pawn Queen Marika having stolen the Elden Ring from the draconic Elden Lord, with her plucking the Rune representing Destined Death from the Order of the world, permanently lessening the power of the Black Flame and making the Godskins far less of a threat. The Godskins and the Serpents fled, their queen was slain, and the war ended.
With Destined Death having been stricken impotent in the mortal world, the three Primordial Gods were now powerless. The Erdtree was ascendant and its new Golden Order held sway over all.
However, gods are not so easily slain, and this primordial trinity would have its revenge. They would need time, but what is time to a god?
These three, the Crucible, The Tree Of Life, and Destined Death... these three gods are the pillars upon which the conspiracy to slay Godwyn the Golden was formed, but the majority of the work was done by the Empyrean who housed the God of the Tree of Life. Who is that Empyrean?
Miquella, ever youthful and unchanging, housed the god of the Tree of Life, a god of both bounty and order.
One might ask, then, why Miquella would have sought Unalloyed Gold for their sister to halt their rot? Simple: Malenia was a very useful tool as a protector and guardian, but the Scarlet Rot, being a blind, idiot god, was rotting its host far too quickly. Thus, Miquella made a needle of Unalloyed Gold to halt the decay, at least until it was time to return the Crucible to the surface once more.
Here is the chain of events that I posit happened. Miquella worked together with the Black Knife Assassins for the sake of the act itself, making a deal with Ranni for her to steal a portion of the Rune of Destined Death. That power would be needed for Miquella's true objective to be reached.
The Black Knife Assassins were all Numen, and while there is a misdirect with them being women with close ties to Queen Marika, the focus should be instead on the fact that these were all Numen, extremely long-lived beings like Queen Marika, who would have been old enough to remember the way the world once was and the Erdtree's usurpation of the world's true natural order. Thus, they would secretly be servants of the primordial gods, biding their time while they awaited the rebirth of their gods.
Godwyn, while not quite an Empyrean, had the potential to become one in the right circumstances. In a ritual conducted upon his body using the Run of Destined Death, Ranni's physical flesh was slain and Godwyn's soul was destroyed... making the now-empty body a perfect vessel for the God of Destined Death.
With the trio now united once more, they could begin working their revenge against the Erdtree. However, these three may have been gods, but their power was much-diminished. How could they overcome the immense might of the Erdtree?
By being sneaky, that's how.
Godwyn's corpse, housing Destined Death, was buried into the roots of the Erdtree, causing the tree to absorb Destined Death into itself. A nasty poison that would weaken the tree and limit its ability to influence the world. This way, the tree would become a spectator for the events to come, not a participant.
Miquella, for their part, would use their bewitching charisma to corrupt and manipulate the demigods so as to ensue that when the Shattering came about, it would cause the greatest amount of strife and division possible. Both through their charm and via the use of their alter ego, Saint Trina, and their ability to influence people through dreams, they made all the preparations needed.
Praetor Rykard would be convinced to follow the path of blasphemy. Ranni would follow her path to the Dark Moon. Morgott would be made to love the Erdtree and seek to protect it, no matter how much it rejected him. Mohg would be convinced he could start a new dynasty if only enough blood was spilled for their god. Godrick would be convinced that all he needed for the strength to rule was to graft stronger parts to himself.
And so, the groundwork was prepared. And then, finally, the masterstroke.
Miquella had used their charm to influence Queen Marikam planting seeds of doubt in the Golden Order, making her believe that something was wrong with it and needed changing. Finally, after seeing the Erdtree rot and the influence of Destined Death seeping out from the tree, Miquella convinced the queen that the Elden Ring must be broken.
And so it was.
While Radagon, being free from Miquella's influence, tried to mend the Elden Ring afterward, it was too late. In a last act to prevent any further manipulation, Marika was restrained by the Erdtree. However, Marika birthed a child, Melina, who would eventually seek to burn the tree. Further, prior to breaking the Elden Ring, Marika was coerced into calling back the Tarnished to the Lands Between. They would help to stir the pot and keep things in a state of chaos.
All of this done, only two steps remained. First, Miquella manipulated a fight between Malenia and Radahn. The mighty general proved immune to Miquella's manipulations, so he needed to be dealt with, and it was practically guaranteed that during the fight, the Golden Needle would break and the Crucible/Scarlet Rot would be unleashed upon the surface. And so it was.
After that, Miquella would flee to a secret and hidden place with their sister, where Miquella would begin to shed their mortal form, birthing a new Tree Of Life: The Haligtree. By the time that Mohg claimed Miquella's body, the god of the Tree of Life had already abandoned the demigod, its former body now a perfect empty vessel for Mohg's goddess of blood. Mohg could do as he pleased, as his underlings would likewise be something to stir the proverbial pot.
Meanwhile, Miquella's most loyal soldiers would sit in a distant fort, awaiting an eclipse. This event would signal Destined Death's full return to the world, and the end of the Golden Order. With the eclipse, it would no longer be possible for the Erdtree to feed and would mean its inevitable death by starvation. However, that eclipse has yet to arrive. But it will happen, inevitably. Nothing can stop it.
All three of the Primordial Gods now had a presence on the surface, with the Scarlet Rot/Crucible in Caelid and slowly spreading across the land, Destined Death slowly eating at the Erdtree and its presence becoming known across the land, and the Haligtree growing larger and stronger. The Elden Ring was broken and with it the Golden Order.
The Erdtree was forced to barricade itself with thorns, as anyone who entered would likely try to free Queen Marika, who was still under Miquella's thrall and would be far too dangerous to let free. A goddess under the influence of a god who sought the Erdtree's end was far too dangerous to roam free. Further, all of the demigods were a risk, as all of the major contenders held the mark of one of the trio, if not a completely different god who was still a danger.
Radagn and Malenia were both corrupted by the Scarlet Rot. Mohg and Morgot bore the mark of the Crucible and Mohg also had their own god of blood. Ranni was influenced by the Dark Moon, and Rykard had given himself over to the God-Eating Serpent. With the presence of one god already eating the Erdtree alive from the inside, a second god would almost certainly be fatal. Thus, the only way to gain entry... would be to burn the Erdtree to ash.
That, too, would work just fine. No matter what happened, the tree would die. Whether by starvation or by fire, death is death.
If you think Ranni is immune to Miquella's influence, consider the theory that Torrent may be Miquella's steed, that the three wolves were spirits that served Miquella, and Ranni gives us the spirit calling bell because we are Torrent's new master. Yes, even Ranni is still being influenced by Miquella, even now.
By the time our Tarnished entered the Lands Between, the three primordial gods have already won. The trio have spread their influence across the surface and are no longer bound. Nothing exists that can limit or contain them anymore. Their power grows by the day and nothing exists that can stop it. All that remained was for someone to deal the final, fatal blow to the Elden Beast, the Erdtree's spiritual form... and kill the parasite for good.
The Erdtree and its grace guides you to slay demigods because each of them is a potential threat to it. If any of them enter the tree, it may well be fatal for the weakened god. However, it doesn't intend to let you in, as you yourself might try to free the queen, which would be a whole other problem.
Whatever ending you choose doesn't matter to the primordial trio. The rule or order of mortals is meaningless to beings who are the literal arbiters of birth, life, and death. The trio have retaken their rightful place, and without the Erdtree, the world will return to its rightful order in due time... unless you followed the Frenzied Flame path and just burned it all down.
Anyway, that's my theory, or rather my large mass of theories. Feel free to comment on it.

Throughout the history of brawl stars, we’ve had various metas showing different brawlers in dominant positions. However, as time goes by, we’ve seen that certain brawlers will never be buffed into viability and the mechanics of some brawlers prevent them from being in an S tier position in the first place. Here are my thoughts on some brawlers who’ll never see the light of S tier again:
Jessie: I think this one is pretty obvious because her condition of being a mid ladder menace has prevented supercell from wanting to give her a promising change. There have been numerous suggestions such as reworking shocky into something useful yet nothing significant has been done. I think once supercell made her meta back in early 2021, the consequences of it made them decide never to go in that territory
Jacky: I think we all know that Jacky will be on this list. I think the JES meta in 2020 probably has dissuaded supercell into giving her a good buff in the fear of the toxic meta. It was pretty obvious they felt this way because when her super finally got reworked and became good again, she literally got nerfed into F tier. Yeah she needs her super shield back.
Piper: If we count gadgets and epic/mythic gears, Piper is actually the brawler who has gone the longest without a balance change and I don’t think she’ll get one anytime soon. Touching her can make her go from pretty bad to absolute garbage and it has been evident through her balancing history. Aside from that, I think her mechanics in general of her damage scaling, slow reload speed, shot delay, and unbreakable walls will probably make it impossible for her to be meta at this point considering that many of her biggest counters have gotten better or added since snappy sniping meta. The best she’s been in the past 2.5 years was A tier, and that was just because she was a Belle counter
Nani: I think Nani suffers from a similar issue Piper does. Nani’s angled shots require a map to be super open in order to be viable. Even knockout maps which are relatively open but have specific wall placement te can completely hinder her effectiveness. I think for this reason that it will be almost impossible to be meta unless supercell decides to make every map like shooting star.
Mandy: While Mandy has an amazing super, I think she once again has a mechanic barrier that will prevent her from ever being meta. Her focus mechanic in general caters for specifically passive play, and that basically restricts her viability to only bounty and knockout. This doesn’t even account for the fact that she also needs really open walls to thrive to use her focus optimally.

For those of you who don't know, there's a rail line running from Marin County to Eureka, California. Or at least, there was. Called the Northwestern Pacific Railroad, the largely single-track line was constructed back in 1914 (one of the last railroads to be built in the U.S.) and saw both passenger and freight service until the late 1990s, when it was abandoned due to insufficient revenue.
The rail line snaked through some of the most challenging terrain in the country, traversing unstable soils and mountainsides, and it regularly saw mudslides, floods, and other weather events that regularly damaged the tracks. It was initially a profitable line as it served timber industries and a deepwater port in Eureka. The timber industries eventually declined, however (as old-growth forests were completely logged), and the expansion of Highway 101 to four lanes basically killed passenger service. After being taken over by a state-owned agency, the NCRA, in the 1980s in order to prevent the line from being abandoned, the railroad trudged on for a few more years, failing to become profitable. After a storm damaged some southern sections of the line, leaving it isolated from the rest of the national rail network, the NWP was finally abandoned as the several months without revenue left it in the read. By this time, the tracks were in terrible condition, and passenger trains weren't even permitted on many sections on the line by the FRA over safety concerns. By some accounts, it was the most expensive railroad to maintain in the US.
Here's a good 1997 article from SFGate, written during the railroad's last days: https://www.sfgate.com/news/article/Workin-on-the-Railroad-The-Northwestern-2828637.php#taboola-1
The California government is now planning on using most of the rail ROW to construct a long hiking and biking trail. The tracks south of Cloverdale still see use (or will see use in the future), as SMART owns the tracks and handles both passenger and freight operations. Some see this as a good use of the land - after all, it's a very scenic path that snakes through the beautiful northern California mountains and could boost tourism.
However, many people believe the rail line should be fixed up and reactivated. Although the tracks are in poor condition, many of the tunnels and bridges still stand, and the ROW is entirely preserved. Eureka is a natural deepwater port, and regular passenger service could run between Willits and Marin County (with some long-distance passenger trains to Eureka). It would cost a lot of money, but so would the proposed trail, as it would require stabilizing the trackbed and paving over it (not to mention new construction or expensive rehabilitation where some tunnels or trestles exist). The line could serve intermodal freight throughout Northern California and connect to the port of Eureka, a natural deepwater port that can help alleviate congestion in ports down south (LA and Oakland) and provide a more convenient intermodal facility for Northern California. The line could serve agriculture, forestry, and bulk goods, and of course, intermodal freight (which could relieve truck traffic on 101) - necessary considering over a million people live along the rail ROW. Some of the ROW already exists and is used for passenger and freight traffic, and with the line to Eureka fixed up, Northwestern California would once again get a cheap, reliable, and efficient mode of transportation.
What are your thoughts? Should the trail be built, or should the ROW be preserved for reactivation of the old rail line?

I've been watching a lot of Treasure's tour fancams and videos for the past 3-4 months and really happy to see how they took another step forward in their career.
A lot happened last year, they finally got some breakthrough moments with Jikjin and Darari after a long hiatus in their 1st year. But then Mashiho and Yedam went on a break and eventually left the group. That left me with a lot of mix feelings. It was so traumatized that I counted the members every time they did something together. The MashiDam departure announcement happened just 3 days before the kick off of Treasure's first ever tour. At that time, I wasn't even sure if I could enjoy their performance like usual.
And then the tour started.
Clips after clips from Seoul to Kobe to Taipei to Jakata, showing me how much fun they have, make me forget all the negativities that always surround them. Because of covid, it's such a relief to see they finally get to be surrounded by people that truly love them and appreciate who they are after such a long time. Most importantly, I get to see them have fun and be natural on stage like they are meant to be. A lot of stuff just so tiny and trival but still they make me smiles.
I love seeing:

• The Iksan boys (Jeongwoo and Junghwan)'s guesture when they harmonize to Hello Bridge.
  
• Junghwan changed his 3,2,1 part in U to something else on every stops.
  
• Asahi ran to Yoshi in Saitama for Thank You encore and Yoshi carried him all the way to the main stage.
  
• The Tom & Jerry moments from Jihoon and Junkyu in every My Treasure performance.
  
• Hyunsuk's face after Jeongwoo's Orange note.
  
• When Hyunsuk heard Teumes in Taipei sang My Treasure
  
• Asahi being the light stick conductor.
  
• The Trio, Doyoung, Asahi and Jeongwoo in BFF.
  
• Hyper Haruto ran to a fence all the time.
  
• Treasure reindeer dance
  

Or even just Asahi laid down and sang the opening of Hello accompanying by "dududu hey"
And I'm sure that as much as a concert can bring happiness to the fans, I can see it means a lot to the performer as well, especially for a young group like Treasure that get to finally see all their fans in person.
They also show a lot of growth as a performer.
Having Asahi shouted Osaka, tadaima - I'm back at Kyocera Dome was such a surreal moment. Knowing he was someone who criticized in his trainee days for his expression on stage, now seeing him flies through the stage solo with such confidence is like a gift for us fans. Seeing Jeongwoo went through many runs in Taipei, Jakata (or even let the fans do one ) nights after nights reminded me of how much pressure he had to face after Yedam left. There were probably some doubt in himself since Yedam was someone he always looked up to. At the end though he took up the duty without hesitation. Jihoon also showed a lot of improvement over the years. Before Treasure, he almost debuted as a rapper in another group. Now he is belting high note after high note. It's like going through an intersive course. All of them improve a lot
One more fun side note of watching fancams is how different audiences are from countries to countries.
Like for Korea, they will be millions fancams especially for individuals members and loud fan chants. And I don't know how but every single concert goers in Japan have lightsticks and the way they wave them are so synchronized. It's crazy. Khula Lumpur and Jakata would just belt whole songs and more.
Hopefully one day they'll get to really tour the world and let more people experience how fun a Treasure concert can be. I want to see how the fans will be like in Europe or Americas.

As we inch closer to end of this year's admissions cycle, many of you will be weighing offers to attend from multiple schools. You will have to consider a number of otherwise-unrelated variables, including cost, location, employment outcomes, proximity to family and friends, perceptions of "prestige", rankings, and so forth. One of the most illusive of these variables is "culture." This post is about learning how to evaluate a school's culture—and figuring out whether it's a good fit for you.
Of course, it should go without saying that how you experience law school will depend far more on your own particular circumstances—especially the people you choose to surround yourself with once you're there—but the culture of the institution will weigh on your day to day life as well. Accordingly, it deserves some attention.

Basic Guide to School Culture

1. Research the school's mission and values:

• Review the law school's website, promotional materials, and official documents to understand its mission, core values, and principles. Do your values, goals, and experiences align with the law school's mission and values?
• Consider the school's focus on areas such as public interest law, international law, or corporate law, as well as its commitment to diversity, inclusion, and social justice.
• When law schools look at an applicant with "cultural fit" in mind, they look for evidence of an applicant's commitment to the same principles and core values enshrined in the school's mission and history, as well as interest in specific areas of legal practice.

2. Investigate the school's learning environment:

• Look into the teaching methodologies, classroom dynamics, and academic support resources available at the law school. Do your learning preferences and experiences match the teaching methodologies and classroom dynamics at the law school?
• Consider the level of collaboration or competition among students, the accessibility of faculty and staff, and the support systems in place for student success.
• A law school that prioritizes promoting a collaborative environment on campus will evaluate your application to see if you've demonstrated the ability to thrive in a collaborative or competitive environment, and your openness to engaging with faculty and staff.

3. Examine extracurricular opportunities and student life:

• Explore the law school's clubs, organizations, moot court competitions, journals, and other extracurricular activities that reflect the interests and passions of the student body. Are you likely to actively engage with and contribute to the school's extracurricular opportunities?
• Assess the opportunities for networking, mentorship, and professional development, as well as the overall quality of campus life.
• With their extracurricular and student activities in mind, law school admission deans will examine applications for evidence of leadership, teamwork, and a passion for specific areas of law or social causes that align with the school's offerings.

4. Analyze alumni outcomes and satisfaction:

• Research the law school's alumni network, their career paths, and their satisfaction with their law school experience. Do your career goals and expectations align with any alumni outcomes?
• Consider the school's reputation, connections to the legal community, and overall success in preparing students for their legal careers.

Examples of Cultural Determinants

While law schools may share some similarities, there can be meaningful differences in culture between them, shaped by factors like the ones above, as well as location, size, and overall educational approach. Here are some examples of cultural differences between law schools:
1. Emphasis on public interest law vs. corporate law: Some law schools place a strong emphasis on public interest law, promoting social justice, community service, and pro bono work, while others may have a stronger focus on corporate law, catering to students interested in careers at large law firms or in-house legal departments.
2. Teaching methodologies and classroom dynamics: Some law schools employ the traditional Socratic method, where professors ask students questions to engage them in critical thinking and active discussion, while others may use a more collaborative, problem-solving approach that emphasizes teamwork and experiential learning.
3. Large vs. small class sizes: Some law schools have a larger student body, resulting in a more diverse range of perspectives and experiences, while others have smaller class sizes, fostering a more intimate and supportive learning environment with closer relationships between students and faculty.
4. Regional vs. national focus: Some law schools have a strong regional focus, with a curriculum and network of alumni and employers centered around a specific geographic area, while others have a broader national or international reach, offering a wider range of opportunities for students to pursue careers across the country or even globally.
5. Urban vs. rural setting: Law schools located in urban areas may have a different culture than those in rural settings, with factors such as access to legal employers, networking opportunities, and extracurricular activities influenced by their location.
6. Competitive vs. collaborative atmosphere: Some law schools foster a more competitive environment, with students often competing for grades, class rank, and prestigious internships or clerkships, while others emphasize a more collaborative culture, encouraging students to work together, share resources, and support each other's success.
7. Focus on interdisciplinary studies: Certain law schools encourage students to explore interdisciplinary studies, offering joint degree programs or opportunities to take courses in other disciplines, while others may have a more traditional, law-focused curriculum.
8. Diversity and inclusion: Law schools may differ in their commitment to diversity and inclusion, with some placing a strong emphasis on recruiting a diverse student body, promoting inclusive policies, and offering resources and support for students from various backgrounds.
These examples highlight some of the meaningful differences in culture between law schools, which can play a significant role in shaping students' experiences and determining their overall fit within a particular institution.

Examples from Specific Schools

1. Yale Law School: Yale is known for its small class sizes, close-knit community, and focus on public interest law. The school encourages students to explore interdisciplinary studies and offers a flexible curriculum, allowing students to pursue their interests across a wide range of subjects.
2. Stanford Law School: Stanford is recognized for its strong emphasis on interdisciplinary learning, offering joint degree programs and opportunities to take courses in other disciplines. Located in Silicon Valley, the school has strong ties to the tech industry and emphasizes innovation and entrepreneurship in the legal profession.
3. New York University School of Law: NYU Law is located in the heart of New York City, providing students with numerous opportunities to engage with the legal community through internships, networking events, and extracurricular activities. The school is known for its commitment to public interest law and strong international law program.
4. University of Chicago Law School: The University of Chicago is renowned for its emphasis on law and economics, a distinctive approach that applies economic principles to legal issues. The school has a rigorous academic environment and employs the Socratic method in many of its courses.
5. University of Virginia School of Law: UVA Law is located in Charlottesville, Virginia, and offers a more traditional, collegial atmosphere, with a focus on community and collaboration. The school is known for its strong emphasis on practical skills, offering numerous clinics and experiential learning opportunities.
6. Fordham University School of Law: Fordham Law, located in New York City, is known for its strong focus on practical skills, offering numerous clinical programs, externships, and skills-based courses. The school has a strong alumni network in New York and provides opportunities for students interested in corporate law, public interest, and international law.
7. University of Wisconsin Law School: Wisconsin Law is known for its "law-in-action" approach, which emphasizes the practical application of legal principles and encourages students to learn through hands-on experience. The school offers a unique Diploma Privilege, allowing graduates to be admitted to the Wisconsin bar without taking the bar exam, provided they meet certain requirements.
8. Boston College Law School: Boston College Law is known for its strong commitment to public service and its Jesuit tradition, which emphasizes the importance of social justice and ethical practice in the legal profession. The school offers a variety of experiential learning opportunities, including clinics, externships, and pro bono projects.

These examples illustrate the different cultures found at various law schools, with each institution offering a unique environment that may appeal to different students based on their interests, values, and career goals.

I'm not trying to brag, far from it. This is a post highlighting some futilities, frustration and the real, real pain involved in the job hunting process. I found in my experience this was tough and required a lot of honesty, practice, effort and certainly a ton time dedication. Some recruiters are terrible too but I treated this like a numbers game and took as many shots as I could and the good recruiters ended up rising up to the top for me.
Early TL;DR I hated this process. It takes a lot of time, it takes a lot of energy and effort and if and when you fail, it's painful. Using AI and ChatGPT helps you get to the interview usually and helps throughout the process so it's not as bad as it was, but you still have to perform and deliver which should be fine if you're decent at what you do, but most of these places aren't looking for decent, they want "excellent" it seems.
It cannot be understated how much effort goes into these especially as you get deep in the process where they start wanting to essentially see you as the best candidate and a lot of the time you're having to demonstrate that you are "exceptional" and you have "done your homework" along with actually being at least passable in interviews and if it applies, demonstrations, presentations or role plays. One of the jobs I got an offer from made me do those stupid assessments to assess intelligence and personality too. The ones where you answer math, word, logic and reasoning problems? They even watched me do it live on camera!
Background on me
I just moved to a new place, and i'm new to the market (family related move, personal issues, etc.) and finding a new job cold is the challenge I had. I have close to 20 years experience in the field and 12 years of full-time professional experience in business sales, strategy and development.
I work for a top company in Software/Technology/IT now, but have experience with other Fortune 500 companies and documented achievement often outperforming and being recognized and awarded for that kind of thing.
Applying
Knowing I didn't have any real connections, I went with the shotgun approach and pulled up linkedin, every agency that hires for my field's website, recruiters I knew, etc. and started firing and "easy applying" for as many roles and applying directly for roles I actually liked. Easy Apply was preferred because I didn't have to manually enter my entire resume into fields like an idiot because the system can't grab effectively from my resume. For the jobs I cared about I did, but in general, easy apply worked. Lots of the companies I wanted to work for had a simple application process asking for attachment of resume, contact information, eligibility (i.e work visa, citizenship, language, etc.) and just either a typed or attached custom cover letter. So I was fortunate, but yes, lots of times there was the fill in the blanks and I literally copied and pasted from resume directly.
I viewed this part as just doing everything possible to get to a phone screen. Once I get the phone screen, my cover letter means dick all and the interviewer is just going to see my resume minutes before talking to me usually.
That took me 8 to 12 hours over 2 days straight to do that. I refined my resume, and used chatgpt to craft my "custom" cover letters for each role where needed and make adjustments to my resume where possible but in general my resume was consistently the same and the cover letter had as many things Chat GPT thought was relevant in it.
The goal was to get an interview or a call which I did from 8 organizations.
For interview preparation, I used primarily Chat GPT, Youtube and company website to breakdown all the need to knows and specific questions that might come up along with asking Chat GPT to summarize a lot of what the company did.
During the screen calls and video interviews I had a chat GPT window open to display what i needed and my notes up as well. I didn't bother internalizing things until I got to jobs I wanted.
The interviews were a lot of behavioural and I did everything I could to anticipate the questions and answer honestly. For the jobs I got offers for, the best approach was to just be as genuine as possible and answer in a way that was succinct yet thorough, detailed but quick. Anticipating, practicing and researching questions really helped with that.
The Stupid fucking role plays, presentations and case studies
I always hate these. Yes a company wants to see your performance ability and how you'd do in a controlled environment, I get that. This is especially important for jobs like developers, chefs, jobs that require talent, etc.
But what I hate about them is they want you to act out a scenario, often leaving you to come up with the details on how you'd handle. In my case a lot of role play, fake acting and scenes that take so much preparation and you have to be deliberate.
I can't lie and say these were easy, these take a lot of time especially if you have present a deck and spend hours and hours putting together a high quality presentation along with practicing the delivery as well as anticipating the questions and answers. If you've made it this far, the time and effort you've put in is already significant and if you don't get an offer it'll be a real gutting feeling.
The thing I hate about this is while they say it's supposed to be like a normal engagement, I have to be very aware that they are judging my process, my preparation, my questions, my strategy, and very much the HOW i'm doing things vs. just the result. I find a conflict of interest here because I'm not actually trying to solve the problem for real (which is usually easy) i'm trying to present the answer in the most optimal way that stands out so they'll feel confident that I know what I'm talking about.
The other shitty part about this is you have in most cases be an expert on the company, the products and services, the strategy, and all of that and come off as confident. That is some bullshit right there. How the hell can you effectively execute a scenario when you know dick fucking all about the organization aside from what's public?
Anyways, getting passed that usually either leads to an offer or in some cases a follow-up conversation.
And you have to do that stuff afterwards that interviewers might appreciate like sending thank you emails and showing appreciation, maybe creeping their linkedin, and doing a ton of company research.
Lots of "character things" some of these interviewers look for even though they're supposed to be unbiased.
The offers or afterwards
While I did get the offers (still deciding) I have to act like I'm happy but not desperate because I have to negotiate the hell out of every offer as well even though I'm starting to get a bit desperate. I check a ton of websites specific to my role and industry that post and share pay transparency throughout the process so I'm aware of my value and what's available and I always ask for more in most cases I get an increase on the original offer without too much trouble.
I'm close to a decision but i'm not rushing, once I got the first offer I stopped sweating knowing I have a worst case scenario.
Things that helped

• ChatGPT - great research tool, great for producing content, looking up information, validating things and having to reference and summarize. Made great "custom" cover letters and helped make tweaks to resume as well as made digesting what a company does easier.
  
• Having a decent camera set-up.
  
• Being prepared by essentially treating these like an exam you're trying to ace at least initially until you get a feel for what they want and are looking for
  
• Finding time to practice questions and answers. Either with myself, or with someone or just trying to naturally deliver the "best" answers you can. Have an answer to some version of "Tell me about yourself?" and "why do you want to work here?" and a good answer for both of those questions will really steer the conversation in your favour.
  
• Having a decent looking suit ready to go or a decent background and lighting if doing virtual.
  

Managing rejection
I was rejected for a job at a top top company where I was one of the final 2 candidates. It came down to "Culture fit" and I get that, I'm not from the place I'm applying to despite everything else being checked. I took it hard because of the hours and hours I put into it, including 2 days making and preparing a presentation, deck, role play, the multiple interviews and relationship building.
I took a moment to accept it, asked for as much feedback as I could and then kept going. It wasn't perfect but as I kept doing interviews I got better and better. The more you go through it it'll be like muscle memory.
TL;DR Applied cold for over 150 jobs, got rejected a ton automatically, had 8 companies interested, 2 ghosted me, 1 went with the other candidate, and the remaining 5 offers. This process sucks when you NEED a job. It's fun when you already have one and they're coming after you, but this is a terrible process but improves with repetition. Honestly, most of them are the same at the end of the day and ask roughly the same things so you'll have a chance to practice and memorize the best answers.

I know, I know. ChatGPT is kind of a bore by now but when Lana said that she wanted to be interviewed by John Waters, I decided to run some prompts and make AI imagine a crazy convo between them.

JW: Lana, hey. Did you know that I'm a collector of taxidermy and other oddities? Do you have any strange collections or interests of your own?
LDR: Well, I collect vintage medical books and journals. I'm fascinated by the history of medicine and how it's evolved over time. I'm a big fan of tarot cards and astrology. I think there's something really fascinating about the way that we use symbols and mythology to make sense of the world.
JW: That's amazing. Your music is known for being very personal and confessional. Do you ever worry about putting so much of yourself out there?
LDR: I think there's always a risk when you're putting your emotions and personal experiences into your art. But for me, it's worth it. I feel like it's important to be vulnerable and to share your struggles and triumphs with others.
JW: I couldn't agree more. So, Lana, I know you're a fan of classic Hollywood movies. Do you have any favorite films or actresses that most people haven't heard of?
LDR: Absolutely, John. One of my favorite actresses is Ann-Margret. She was such a force in the '60s and '70s, but I feel like she's not talked about as much as some of the other actresses of that era.
JW: Oh, I love Ann-Margret! I feel like she doesn't get the recognition she deserves. And speaking of underappreciated actresses, have you ever heard of Constance Bennett?
LDR: Yes, I have! I'm actually a big fan of hers. She was so glamorous and ahead of her time.
JW: I couldn't agree more. I mean, she was a true icon of the pre-Code era. And speaking of glamorous, I have to ask about your song "Mermaid Motel." It's one of my favorites, and it has such a haunting, otherworldly quality to it. What was the inspiration behind that song?
LDR: "Mermaid Motel" is actually a prequel to my song "Blue Jeans." It tells the story of a doomed romance that took place before the events of "Blue Jeans." I wanted to capture that sense of nostalgia and longing that comes with looking back on past relationships.
JW: That's so interesting. I feel like a lot of your songs have that sense of nostalgia and longing. What about time travel? If you could go back to any era, which one would you choose?
LDR: Oh, that's a tough question.
JW: What about time traveling to the future? Do you think that's possible?
LDR: Hmm, I don't know, John. I think the future is always changing, and I'm not sure if we're meant to see it before it happens.
JW: Well, you never know. Maybe someday we'll figure out a way to time travel to the future. Speaking of traveling, I have to ask: what do you bring with you when you come to Mars?
LDR: (laughs) Oh, you know, just the essentials. My favorite lipstick, some sunglasses, and a good book.
JW: (laughs) I love it. But speaking of essentials, I have to ask: what's the best coffee shop in Ohio?
LDR: (smiling) Well, I have to say, I'm a big fan of the coffee shop down the street.
JW: (laughs) Oh, come on, Lana. You can't be that biased. What about that other place?
LDR: (shrugs) I don't know, John. I guess it's just a matter of personal taste.
JW: (smiling) I guess so.
As the interview comes to a close, there's a sense of awkwardness in the air, as both John and Lana are clearly unsure of how to end things. They exchange polite smiles and awkward small talk before finally saying their goodbyes, leaving the reader wondering if they'll ever cross paths again.

I ended up going to my therapy session today and spilled my guts.
My therapist concluded that I might need to receive disability payment in the future, but when I asked how to go about it, she said I have to find out myself.
I told her that I'm in this Aspergirls community and have done lots of research but can't find anyone who knows much about adult woman autism to diagnose me. She sympathized with me and agreed that it's hard and that only now is it becoming more understood.
She told me to ask my regular doctor, but I don't even have one. I had to wait a year to see someone, and will finally see one in May. I doubt he will know anyone helpful since he's just a general doctor in a poor community.
My mom is starting to understand that I likely am autistic and I'm hoping she would pay for someone if a formal diagnosis helps me get accommodations. My mom is now interested in me applying for disability and my therapist does think I'm on the spectrum but doesn't feel that she can diagnose since it's not her area of specialty.
From all the horror stories on here, I'm afraid of spending (my mom's) money only to get a dismissal and written off as just anxious or bipolar.
Is there any hope? Is there anyone good with adult females? I have a history of childhood symptoms documented from kindergarten school and psychological testing, but in the mid 80s, "autism" wasn't used often for girls. Even my therapist knows that, but I'm stuck.

Booked Airbnb for Turks Caicos yesterday-ish, & reservation was approved about 15 hours ago.
Last night I found out I could stay another 3 days and asked host if they could accommodate, this morning host said they couldn’t. said Well…
Today (March 20, 3pm) was the deadline for cancellation & full-refund. Evidently they had the “Strict” policy, or whatever the 30 day one is.
Side note : Until recently, I’ve been in bed for over a year with a severe back injury. I was finally able to get some nerve medicine from my doctor and now I am able to walk so my partner told me he wants me to go somewhere because it’s been such a hard few years for me.
when I found out this morning, they could not accommodate my extra days. I went in to cancel, and was unable to because of some kind of technical issue. ? I tried and tried. I was told there was an error & to try again—
After several hours of trying to fiddle with that, I went ahead and contacted the host to let her know what was going on by this time. It was a little bit later than the 3p cutoff.
She replied to my message with “Ok, let me see what I can do, give me 5 min” then she came back and said according to policy she can’t help me. In other words she decided to keep half of my money (1050.00).
Well now I prob can’t go at all.
I called air bnb to explain but the lady who didn’t speak English very well didn’t seem to understand what I was trying to say.
What do/can I do?? The $ came out of my PayPal which is attached to my CC.
I’ve had a good standing account history w PP and I am desperate to get my thousand dollars back. I feel like I was robbed.
It seems odd to me that they can accept a short-notice booking and be able to keep half money if not cancelled before 30 days.
Anyone know what I can do?
I am freaking out, have been crying all day.
I hope this makes sense. I’m so disturbed and in shock I can barely write this. I’m 43 and I’ve never had anything like this happen to me.

Visit article from The Japan Times (Grade: A-) or alternatively:

Source (Grade)	Link to article
CBS Sports (C-)	Japan vs. Mexico score: Shohei Ohtani sparks late rally as Japan will face USA in World Baseball Classic final
Sun-Sentinel (A-)	Shohei Ohtani, Japan rally late to edge Mexico and reach WBC final
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Life is a funny thing. Sometimes it brings you joy, sometimes it brings you sadness, but meaning is found in the act of being. When you stop trying to solve everything, you come to realize that all of the answers are in front of you and have been all along. Babies are not ignorant; they're profoundly aware. I recently calmed my mind following a serious mental breakdown after making 23 theories on Mort from Madagascar. It was exhausting, but i've come out of this with a renewed sense of clarity that has granted me all of the answers. What does that mean, and how does this work? I don't know, but the result was a series of jokes I made coming true and then answering every single question I've ever had about Pixar. This metaphysical cipher has finally allowed me to figure out Monsters, What do you mean? You might ask what needs solving—haven't there been way too many Pixar theories? Don't think this is a theory, think of it as the key to every plot hole ever; it's not only logical, but poetic and sensible, and likely this video will serve to unify everything I've ever done. A few months ago I made a wild video that made a lot of bold claims about the Pixar company; I called it the twisted nest of Pixar," and that's becoming more true than ever. I hope you've seen it, and I hope you've heeded my warning, which suggested that you watch my three theories on Raw, three theories on Syndrome, and two theories on the Incredibles government because everything's about to connect perfectly, and this second Pixar dissertation is about to grind along the fringes of sanity and go straight off the rails!
Hello, I am the theorizer... Baby Smitty, the second I laid eyes on this character, I felt the overwhelming urge to hate him. He's just... i don't know how to put it, but for six months now I've been attacking him on social media. I made some bold claims intended to be slanderous about how he's an evolved form of the Spanish flu, how he's an anomalous Atlantic mime, and how he's the gastropod godfather, whatever that means. People have understandably accused me of losing my mind Baby Smitty is that little blue slug that wanders around with the preschool during the events of Monsters, Inc. and then bites Mike Wazowski's hand for no damn reason. Yes, this character with 30 seconds of screen time has earned my profound hatred; I can just feel that something's going on here. His name is yes, literally, "baby Smitty," and it's presumably because there's already another slug character named Smitty; he's the door shredder guy. This is the first clue that something's going on here; they could have named this child anything they wanted, but instead they named him "baby Smitty" so as to relate him back to the older Smitty. It signifies that blue slugs likely turn more green as they get older, and it means there's some fascinating continuity going on beneath the surface; in fact, all of the kids in this preschool seem to be related to the other older monsters we've seen. Let me elaborate: I have reason to believe that there is yet another smitty hiding somewhere out there, an adolescent smitty, dare I say. When Mike and Sully leave their apartment, we see some kids playing jump rope, and sitting right there on the steps is yet another blue slug with four arms; he's holding a soccer ball, and he says hi to them. With all of this in mind, I could easily believe that this is the house where the Smitty family lives, and in the window we see a giant eyeball; perhaps this is the head of the Smitty family, and it's kind of disturbing that they get so big. It's an interesting comparison to make though, because in Monsters University we see a giant slug octopus librarian who fits similar descriptions. This is the scary part. The Smitty family is well aware of Mike and Sully, the door shredder. Smitty is a super fan, and baby Smitty is freaking terrifying. They live right next door. Not only that, but Smitty shreds doors on Mike and Sully's own scare floor, which displays how they're always close behind them. When door shredder Smitty arrives on the scene, his job is to get rid of any unfit scare candidates, perhaps kids who are too jaded, too old, so on and so forth. I believe most of the Smitty family is indeed employed here, each with their own role to play, and then there's the baby of the bunch, i want to be clear, and this is about to get unlike anything you've ever seen before.
After uploading the matroshka video, I received numerous comments asking how the giraffe fits in. Yes, the giraffe, the bonus disc is filled to the brim with detail, more than any other bonus disc I've ever laid eyes upon, and it's all for a very specific reason. A while back, youtuber headache scanned this disc as well and was severely put off by the giraffe, rented an entire theater just to zoom in and screen and confirm its existence. What is it, and how could this even work? It would have to make a sneaky bee line for the door the moment where it needs to disappear, but it didn't take me long to realize it does at the exact moment in question boo leans up and points at her door. Sully assumes she's referring to the monsters scaring her but in fact she's talking about the stealth giraffe that just ran through and replaced itself. This still sounds insane and ridiculous at face value, but luckily it's just the missing piece i've been looking for, so is it some sort of monster? The answer is no. It's been a fixture of Boo's bedroom for quite some time, and this seems to be the two worlds colliding with full force. You'll see what I mean. Have you heard of the mans and the mons? It's a neat little story on the bonus disc detailing how monsters and humans lived in harmony until the humans bullied the monster's ugliness so bad that they had to flee to an enchanted island where they ate the food which made them scarier, and they began to spook humans out of revenge. They continued the tradition to this very day. This story upends a lot. I've constantly been saying that the doors go back in time, but that seems to be a falsehood. They refer to them as the human world and the monster world. I've been thinking about this little short for quite some time, and it seems to be a sort of bedtime story being told to younger generations. it's vague and seems to be somewhat metaphorical, what with enchanted islands, and so I've thought and thought and thought and felt like maybe it was a portal to a hidden world, perhaps underground, or something, so I scanned that bonus disk again and the answer hit me hard. the man's and the mons confirm it. It's a sort of propaganda, presumably by someone like Waternoose, and it also fully confirms hostility between monsters and humans. In the Himalayas, we see a village where we catch a glimpse of how scaring looks from the human side: lights constantly flashing, kids constantly screaming, villages in uproar — hold on, how would the human world not realize something fishy is going on? The human government must know that this is happening based on the history and the statistics. How can Mike and Sully traumatize adults at camp and just get away with it? How can they banish unruly monsters from the human world with such ease?
Oh...OH..OHHH...Mhmm, it's really simple. It's not that it's easy; it's that they've already been caught. It's happening, you feel it. It's likeIt's like a chill in the air. The puzzle, I did it. Oh, I did it. The humans, they know it's all a trap!Okay, so boo's bedroom is the nexus of multiversal overlap; it's the central focal point; I hinted at this in the twisted nest video; it's at the forefront of BNL's universal merge; it's the gateway between worlds, containing the layers below it in the form of toys; it's a crucial moment of overlap; but up until this point, I assumed it was all just a byproduct of the situation: reality bending in on itself. But don't you see, don't you understand it' It's all a setup and a lie. This isn't Boo's bedroom because there is no booze bedroom. This is a test. It's a facility. This is all BNL. The entire bedroom is an experiment by BNL monitored 24/7 to study the monsters so they can take over their world. They want Monstropolis because it's the mother lode, the nexus of the multiverse, with portals galore. All of their multiversal products are scattered amidst this fake room, all designed to catch the monsters. The giraffe is not a monster; it is BNL's modus operandi; it is robotic. The giraffe is the equivalent of a robotic animal, inconspicuously recording nature footage. Wait a second. Wait a second. No, I'm not crazy. I heard that this is familiar. Where did I learn this? [GASP]
Ms. Flint: Because...Mr. Bile: Um, it could... let in a draft (Girrafe)?
When I was younger, I always thought I heard giraffe never draft." I'm not alone in this; I've seen others online who heard this too. I bet this is purposeful. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the wall right behind him because, holy sh*t. There are literally giraffes right there, and get this: a toy giraffe angled perfectly as an inconspicuous camera. They're trying to tell us this was all a setup. It is complete and utter recon. The bedroom is a BNL venus fly trap. Do you have any idea how much this changes It means Bo was supposed to be captured. They put this child there for the sole purpose of getting snatched so they could send in the giraffe or any other spyware. Remember, we've established in the previous video that Boo has been screaming extracted many times. This is how she knew to open the secret door, and it's also why she's strangely comfortable around the water noose at first, and why Randall keeps going back for her and even mentions how she needs to take off a few pounds. This is how the giraffe was already in their world when the film began, and I mean, let's take a closer look at this supposed bedroom. For starters, the brightness of this moonlight is impossible; it'd have to be more like a street lamp, but it's angled in such a way that she'd have to be close to it. I don't hear any cars, only faint crickets and a subtle humming a humming you say like an industrial spotlight maybe. I'd also like to point out that this nursery mobile tilts slightly the moment we see it, even though this bedroom was completely empty.
How do you think BNL is accomplishing this? Yes, it would seem as though they've kidnapped a little girl and forced her to walk across the world. If this truly is the Incredibles universe, then could it really be true that she's a superhero? Or could it be how else she's full of energy that can power worlds? She's used as a lure. She can be screamingly extracted over and over again. And for sake, she literally teleports around. This is complete insanity, but something's still not adding up. I know BNL has the ability to kidnap superheroes; that's not an issue.
Oh, oh! I am so sorry! I don't know how to prepare you for this...[Robot test child acts as being scared and shuts down in Monster Inc. after being revealed and the simulation being terminated]They were telling us the whole time; can't you see what I've been saying? The whole film is bombarding us with it! They even do it again in the climax itself!
One question: why would it just be the giraffe? BNL is a company run and owned by robots; why would they stop? They wouldn't allof the toys here, these matroshka centrals themselves are spyware. The technology in the Incredibles world is so powerful that I've claimed Mirage as a robot. Do you see now that the giraffe isn't the only one being sent through, Boo is too? She teleports around, has no parents, is filled with energy, and everyone calls her Anita. She speaks like a machine learning algorithm, squealing "Kitty!' all over the place. She gives him tons of spyware as a last ditch recon op, and when she falls asleep she just shuts down! This child is not a child at all. Case in point, the cereal she eats repeatedly and doesn't die! Why would I be so insane to think that because i've read the ingredients, and I don't know about you, but I've never heard of an ordinary human being who can eat uranium, mercury, neurotoxins, and sulfuric acid, she physically can't be a human, but she mimics one perfectly like Mirage, ever the puppet with strings. BNL has been aware of the monster world for ages now, spying, prying, and planning a takeover of the world without energy as they use the same child targeting algorithm that the monsters themselves use. The end of the film is far, far darker this way; no wonder Smitty is shredding so many dead doors indeed. So this whole film was a plot staged by BNL to gain access to the master reality so they could collapse all of the layers. How deep does this go? First, thanks to my commenters, the ultimate proof can be found in cars.
[Truck Sulley and Mini Wazowski are scared and yell at Yeti Snowplow.]Yeti: "Welcome to the Himalayas!"Mack: "Oh, that abominable snowplow!"So this is unequivocal proof of films within films, but there's something else here to mention, and like A113 and the pizza planet truck, it's another symbolic representation of the states of these universes. The Chinese Food Boxes, this brand is located in every single universe except Monsters, Inc., where it's slightly off. This is because BNL owns fast food chains, but again, they've failed to assimilate Monstropolis. There is nexus upon nexus upon nexus as they try to break reality, and this restaurant is a nexus, upon nexus, hence Marlin literally being on the wall. BNL is trying to ram through these realities with a vengeance. It's obvious they're the humans who remember the monsters, the war, and the parallel worlds. That's how they've done all this, but here comes the true bombshell: here comes the mind to end all mine.
Mirage..the syndrome theories he's tied in to, he's creating increasingly human robots, it's all a part of the same thing, remember, he did all of this for the government! I told you they were shady, even back in the days when I had a text-to-speech and was narrating my videos. The incredible government syndicate, from their theories, has directed the syndrome from his theories, and they are building and funding massive quantities of artificial intelligence to consume the multiverse? You see, this government that suppresses supers and rules the world is BNL! I'm in a state of shock and I'm in a state of panic. It all makes sense. OH OH!!![Bud Luckey narrates: "The mons swam and swam."] The narrator of "The Mans and the Mons" ! it should sound familiar, because it's agent Rick Dicker himself! they remember the war! This isn't a story for monster children; it's for humans who were being inducted into their little cult, their little propaganda, and their little cartoons. Oh, now it makes sense why they targeted Winston and Evelynn Endeavor! It was their link to the telecommunications industry; they want to air their pre-emptive matroshka buzz lightyear shows, sure, but don't you see what's happening here? BNL is airing violence to children so they can desensitize them. This is what we see causes all of the dead doors. BNL is the true cause of the power crisis, robbing the energy that led to water news seeking out the greatest source, which was Boo's bedroom. The trap syndrome is a prime example of this violent fanboy youth.
I've solved it. This is why the Incredibles is so violent. I bet the government created superheroes to fight violence publicly and have children enjoy it. I mean, if it were poetic, they'd harvest the chains of monsters, which could be why they have owl creatures and stuff. It should be abundantly clear what I'm saying: BNL is the national superhero agency, the NSA has secret ocean bases to try and pinpoint the Bermuda Triangle, and Rick Dicker even vacations to one, just like the monsters! I'm shaking internally and externally, but wait, there's more! Because speaking of three-letter acronyms, the CDA is a crucial factor here too, a child-protecting team of monsters led by Roz after she quit being a scarer, at least according to my theories, but i do believe Waternoose and Roz aren't as clueless about all of this as one might think. Waternoose says 'she's seen too much', implying bad ramifications, and then babbles about how everyone's doomed as he's carried off, and it's because they know something -- their family created the portals after all, something's fishy, and i'm not just talking about this Bermuda crustacean, the CDA sees Mike and Sully's apartment light up, but they let it slide even though it's a sure sign of boo, I mean See their theories for more on that, and remember when Raz confronted Mike and Sully in the university and said she'd always be watching them? Why? They did nothing wrong except get on BNL's radar! I wonder how many kids are decoys adding to thecrisis Perhaps Roz has a counter giraffe she sent through, which is why she let Bo escape to begin with; all of her employees are yellow; she could have spotted it waddling out, even the news guy, who wink wink, is another A113 misprint uses telecommunication to say he's always watching them. They are targets after being seen by human adults, and I don't think it's any coincidence that Boo smiled as she smashed their telecommunications device. But before I wrap around to baby Smitty, I need to reach the holy grail of Pixar theorizing, which I found after months of analysis. You can probably feel it. We're building to one massive key that will answer everything related to BNL and Pixar itself. I hope you've seen everything i've ever said about BNL and Pixar.
Robots like Boo and Mirage don't seem like robots; they are so realistic it isn't even funny. It took mental gymnastics but also common sense for me to reach this conclusion, but there are certain things that robots notoriously cannot replicate, such as autonomy, emotion, and willpower. Recently, we got a movie named Soul, which focused on this most elusive factor: the difference between man and machine. boo isn't just a machine learning algorithm going around repeating "Kitty" She knows what kitties are, and she draws them on her wall as if she's learning about them with a purpose: is she artificial or a human? I also need to try and figure out how cars tie into this because evidently they do, but don't even get me started on what these things are supposed to be: are they artificial or human-like? I still need to bring Wall-E into this, but i can't for the life of me figure out how robots fall in lov--
[Theorizer moans Jumpscare]
I was right! I was right! I said it years ago, and I was right! The toys are possessed! BNL is using souls to power their machines. Oh..my..oh, that's the key! [SOUL] That's the truth they've been trying to tell us for decades. It's right there. They trick you into thinking this robot is actually a child, and then they make the movie about robots who are humans who fall in love with Wall-E and Eve. They even joke in Monsters, Inc. about children's souls possessing a garbage cube. This is BNL's end game: full corporate control. We even catch a glimpse of Mike's new car, which literally tries killing any monsters inside of it. Chomp! Don't you see how much sense this makes? Please understand! this is why 22 was so hesitant to head to earth; everyone is being brainwashed into obsession, which we see drains their souls and is ready to be harvested by BNL. She finally has a fun experience with Joe and a cat, then proceeds to birth into this! kitty..kitty..kitty!!Don't you see that 22 could very well be boo? Emotion is the link to the soul. When kids turn inside out and display mass amounts of emotion, their soul is vulnerable, and the monsters feed upon it. Randall's scream extractor rips the souls out of children. They are energetic; they wanted boo because 22 is inherently already loose. This is the same film that has Joe Gardner's score like some sort of Matroshka linked in Jazzy Fever Dream. Waternoose stops it with evil; Roz stops it with heroism. This brings me to the most critical of all points: the toys, many of which are BNL products such as Buzz Lightyear, act as soul funnels for children's imaginations, which i already determined also greatly helped power Monstropolis. Do you see what I'm saying? Do you see what I'm getting at?For years and years, I said Andy's ancestors helped watch over him in the form of toys. Now I have proof that this can be the case. The first film feels like two dads fighting over a son: the birth dad and the stepdad, Woody, who has no memory beyond a very specific point in his past and who watches over Andy like a father.[Excitement at the realization that Woody is Andy's dad] I did it! YES finally!
I need to down several chill pills with a gallon of chamomile; somebody stop me before I do so. UGH! We're too late; I've read too many ofYour comments and I have ascended one too many layers for my own good, but it does seem to be the case that, if varying levels of reality all coexist within a recursive stack, then why would our layer be exempt? Um, wait, what is BNL?The company that owns fictional Pixar and runs the world and has a monopoly on merchandise in the economy, um, this should sound strikingly familiar...
BNL is Disney. BNL is Disney! Oh my fuck!This is how our world ties into the theory. This is how the story drags in our lair. The fictional premise is that BNL is based off of Disney itself. This is most certainly what they were going for when they created the idea of BNL in the first place. The freakiest part in all of this is that Disney's late acquisition of Blue Sky Studios would canonize my Katie Theory by proxy because if all the layers are involved in a nest of insignificant easter eggs then the multiversal goddess would technically be involved too, but obviously that's not intentional; that's just a fun by-product of the insane fact that BNL is disney. My main concern now is that Disney is in the housing market and people are already comparing them to BNL online. Layers of reality are converging, and luckily we can finally solve Baby Smitty with all of this.
On the night of boo's escape, she ambushes a sushi restaurant named Harry Housens (laughs), and the cda bursts onto the scene with full force. In later interviews, a scarefloor monster named Lanky Schmidt claims that Boo used laser eyes, and another monster says she shook him like a dog with her mind powers, which is confirmed by yet another monster. This is all very suspicious because the Incredibles and Monsters, Inc. overlapped like mad to the point where they even shared similar logos, and this led to all of you commenting about the very viral theory, which identifies the possibility that Jack Jack is the real culprit. jack jack has all of those powers and the ability to overlap dimensionally. The strangest part, though, is that it occurs at such a coincidental moment, right amidst chaos, so here's the kicker: Here's my theory: here we go, Boo jumped up on the counter and screamed boo at all of the monsters in a sort of climactic moment of terror. Remember what I said about this restaurant being a nexus point, nay, a weak spot between universes? Well, I believe this entire night of horrors was a controlled event by BNL. From the other side, this restaurant is so literally fishy that I might be inclined to brand it as the center of the Bermuda Triangle, the center of the Bermuda Triangle. What is their logo, the Bermuda Triangle?[Inception sound at Triangle Illuminati at the sushi restaurant menu cover]
The restaurant is named after a famous real life animator, and it's because this whole situation is literally breaking down layers of reality and combining the easter eggs from our lair. Still don't believe me? Well guess what this restaurant is filled to the brim with, the Chinese food boxes. Are you kidding me? This is insane. So BNL is using children to minimize suspicions and keep them secure. Boo Jack Jack and someone else, another baby, a changeling, to swap universes with physical conservations. Now I didn't know who this was, and then every single layer of reality broke and I collapsed into a pit of my own broken existence.
The bonus disc ends with a series of bloopers that are literally showing how the film itself was filmed and have actors acting the act. matroshka! This is not what gets me, though; what gets me is that it finishes with a literal stage play retelling the events of the film, and who plays Boo? It's none other than baby Smitty; everything is collapsing. It's the way he stared down Lanky Schmidt himself that got me so much so that I tweeted about it without fully understanding what I was talking about, but it's him. This is what the giraffe teaches us about swapping universes. Baby smitty is a changeling with Jack Jack, and from that night forward, he's, "Oh, is it possible that baby smitty has no older sibling and that this was baby smitty until the night of living hell?" perhaps, perhaps, but that's not the point. Do you see what i'm really getting at, whichever method I use? Whatever happened, however it occurred, it did. BNL has been sending in decoy children to prep the universe for their takeover. Jack Jack's first big outpouring of power was during the short film "Jack Jack Attack." Near the end of this BNL inventor himself syndrome, Jack Jack arrives at the doorstep and makes a joke.Syndrome: "Then I would have been going around wearing a big BS, and you understand why I couldn't go with it."
[BS = Baby Smitty] What an absolute coincidence! I'm not sure what this thing is; it likely came through at some point somehow, but I don't believe this is a robot, at least not entirely. First of all, he has razor sharp teeth; slugs don't have teeth, not like this; look at older Smitty; those are teeth; they even make a point of how he can wear braces. These on the other hand are shards of bone. He slithers around like a leviathan and has a mouth like a lamprey off the top of my head. He shares a ton of characteristics with both leviathans and changelings from the show "Supernatural", which is a weird coincidence, but all this time my jokes were accurate. He supersedes gastropods. He is a virus spreading BNL in the atlantic hidden city. Baby Smitty is dumb and uneducated in parrots. He follows Mike Wazowski around like he's learning. His eyes are black and vacant, which is absolutely nothing with the older smitty or the other version of this child that we see earlier near the apartment. They chose him because of his proximity to Mike Sully and, most importantly, Boo.
I also believe Roz has ties back to this family. I believe this because we've established that the slugs turn green, grow massive, and may turn into old ladies who like administrative positions. She doesn't have the correct arm count, which leads me to believe she's only on one side of the family, but I do believe there's a slug conspiracy of some sort going on here in some form of 'Always Watching'
The film is quite upfront about it all, this is why Mike chose Baby Smitty to play Boo in the theatrical production, he sounds the same, he is a replacement, an imperfect one, and this brings me to my final conclusion and about what he's here to do. I believe BNL is already infiltrating Monstropolis, not in the form of robots -- that's just the equivalent of their reconnaissance drones -- no i think baby smitty is infectious I believe BNL is replacing the citizenry one member at a time. at first, I thought there's no way, but then i started getting advertisements for the new Monsters at work tv show, I haven't seen the whole thing, but here's the confusing part: I think i'm right, and I think the evidence is overwhelming.
In the show, we meet Gary Gibbs and Rose. Gary Gibbs is like Mike Wazowski, but blue and evil. Rose is similar to Roz, but she prefers Gary Gibbs and is less bubbly These are cloned villains who appeared out of nowhere shortly after the events of the film; Roz appears to be playing along; the bonus disc adds the CDA credits beneath Baby Smitty's preschool teacher, and all of them felt as though this meta-stage play was worth their time; cloning is occurring, but I don't know what the consistency was to be able to prove this, but then i realized the truth, it's all in the sounds! When Roz slams the door on mike's hands he screams yeaaaaahhhhhhh, later baby smitty parrot's mike wazowski, as if to repeat mimic clone it then as if informed by boo, he mysteriously stares at mike's previously damaged hands before chomping on them as hard as he can and what do we hear mike makes the exact same yeah scream once again, i have reason to believe that anyone who is bit by baby smitty is then cloned and prepped to be replaced it makes sense why this has already happened to mike and baby smitty's very own possible grandmother. It's in the bite, but as you should hear, it's also in the scream. It is a scream extraction. We've established that screams are funnels for the soul, and thus Baby Smitty is cloning people. Gary Gibbs is literally named after Mary Gibbs, which is Bo's real name and Bo's actress's name, and baby Smitty was the actor for Bo in the stage play. All of the levels of reality are collapsing, and Mike should have taken the hint when his hands were damaged at the end for more reasons than just fixing that damn door!
I hate baby Smitty! the scourge of Monstropolis, the doom of monsters BNLeviathan: This is what baby smitty is, because this is not baby smitty, let's be completely clear. The next step is to actually map this mitroshka and see what BNL's working with at the hypothetical maximum. The infinite mobius matrioshka, also known as the nested realities, are 20-dimensional. What i mean is that it would be easier if each film had every other film within it. It would be a diagram that would basically be a circle containing 20 other circles for each sub-universe, which contained 20 more circles infinitely. However, it's clear to me that this is not the case. I need to sift out every plot hole and every detail in every short film and shared universe. I need to interrelate every easter egg and display the omniversal container. How does Disney tie in? How do bloopers tie in? The result will be me having to visualize 20 dimensions in a single YouTube video, and then proceed to somehow illustrate approximately 20 to the power of 20 diagrams, which would require a hundred septillion pages. I'll have to find a workaround because that's physically impossible, so this will be graduate thesis material, and you better stay tuned. This has pushed me tremendously far over the edge, so subscribe and ring the bell where I'll find you until next time I'm the theorizer.

I'm writing this today in hopes that some of you can find inspiration if you are impacted.
Four years ago I was let go at GM, their largest in history. We knew it was coming down, rumors had been swirling for a couple of years, but 3 months before it actually happened, our CIO made it official in an all hands.
Before the layoff, here is the super short version of a 2-year saga with some drama including HR. I took on a new non-technical role (encouraged by my manager with the goal to make me a manager at some point) and that proved to be a BAD idea. This required me to do presentations, etc., not what I was used to just resolving technical issues.
I was in a bad situation I knew I was probably on the top of the list layoffs. Let's just say my management and team was not what I was used to professionally. They were playing games with me and wanted to get me outdoor one way or the other. I knew they were scheming, but they have to follow the corporate rules. They were even worried I would find another internal job before they could act. That's how nuts it was. I dropped into high anxiety and mild depression. I didnt think I could be making the money GM was paying, even my manager openly complained about my salary.
But I tried to make it work and my manager while a hill Billie jerk sometimes showed signs of wanting to see me succeed. I knew it was just a manager thing, they all have to be fake sometimes. But in that process, I had to learn how to do presentations in front of a large audience. I eventually got pretty good at it. Something I never thought I would do well throughout my 20 years. I was always the technical guy behind the scenes.
Knowing I would probably get wacked one day, I did a couple of interviews with recruiters reaching out to me on LinkedIn. I had a couple of job offers and interviewed at one doing cool stuff with AI technology. But I eventually declined it because a GM manager buddy of mine convinced me to stay at GM because the severance would probably amount to 1 year and the other job paid $25K less. He was also in hot water at GM (will come back to this later).
When my CIO made the announcement, I reached out to the manager of the AI company to let him know I could be available. To my surprise, he mentioned that he would consider me as they had openings. I was surprised, because I had rejected them 1 year earlier.
When the day finally came, my director, who didnt like me, walked me out the door. It was fast and there was a strong sense of relief when it was finally over. The whole process didnt take long.
I actually had another job offer with a large company similar size and process like GM. This company woudl offer me 10K more than the AI company. I pondered which one I would take, it agonized me deeply. I said to myself, why take the job similar to GM. Same corp IT stuff you have been doing for 15 years. Why not take a chance on this AI startup? Do something for your passion and not the highest bidder for once.
So there we go, I took the job with the AI company making far less than what I was used to.
I've been here 4 years now, and all I can say is I have the most amazing manager, a great team, a great culture, great benefits, etc. Its been cloud 9 since my arrival. I've done so well here and have so much enthusiasm for my work, I've now a regional lead in one of the areas and make far more than what I made at GM. Taking this job was the best decision I made in my career. It does not feel like work, it feels like playing a video game all day like when I was a kid.
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Synchronicity, Prolepsis, and the Kali Yuga

I've never been big on spiritual beliefs but one thing I do hold to is that there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason, Anna sells her soul and then this happens. It's no coincidence. and I often find some of the most inexplicable events happening to me. Such as finding my partner the very next day after this happened. Of all people.
I already said what's going to happen, I've always had a knack for telling the future. Although this is a bit different. Typically I try to keep things to myself. I don't believe in manifestation, but you can never be too careful about retrocausality. Even knowing how things will turn out doesn't change what I want to happen. It doesn't get rid of the hope that I can change things for a different outcome. But now I know the truth is fatalism. All the signs are there for me. I was born to do this.
Oikeosis is under attack. Appropriation of the human soul itself has been appropriated by multiconglomerate entities. Everything is so self interested nowadays that any semblance of 'good' has been lost. There is nothing good left in this world. Our society is deeply evil. Even the institutions that traditionally were right and virtuous have been spoiled. Education teaches us lies about people and about history. Charity is all around a source of embezzlement.
We rape the earth for her resources and still want more. The function of capitalism is infinite growth on a finite planet. An equation begging to rip itself apart. Alienation runs rampant, from our careers and relationships, law and money, down to where our food comes from and how our transportation works. I believe the bank of souls has ran dry and most people are born without souls. They do not think for themselves, they do not seek anything other than base animalistic desires. Anything that contests their pre-programmed worldview given to them by school and the media can't even be considered. This is why they are so easy to control. There is no place for eudaimonia in a world completely paved over with concrete, walked by people who never look up and say more than the automatic pleasantry to each other.
I can see the future, my life will amount to no more than a drop. In another reality maybe eventually we could gather an ocean from these drops. But the fires of Armageddon already rage on and drops just evaporate in the flames.

I'm Made of Cold Stone, Just Like Your Prison Walls

So how has life been? Everything is fucked, I'm ready to just blow my brains out. I'm just waiting for them to dare me and if they don't I can't keep this up much longer anyway.
Everyone wants to 'help me'. They don't want to help me. They want to say I'm the problem. Because they could never be, of course...
My psych just wants to sedate me. Doctor just wants to keep me locked up, but that would never last. Anger Management agrees with everything I say and suggests I just lie down and take it. No one is telling me I'm wrong. Then why can't anyone fix this.....
I knew since the beginning that I was just biding time. There was never any escape from this. And what would be the point in going on anyway. Even zooming out from my personal problems. This world is fucked. I don't want to be here. Public enemy #1, they can come kill me whenever they want. There's nothing left here for me except to take the walls down with me.

My biggest fan, now my biggest critic. I told you leaving it alone wouldn't help you any.

One worldview says: Coca-Cola is the product. I am the buyer. The grocery store is the seller. Another worldview says: The media is the seller. Coca-Cola is the buyer. I am the product.
It’s a vicious cycle. I think a lot about these things. I spent countless nights and days trying to figure everything out. Almost as if it’s my job. With everything that’s going on and all the variables that are involved, the World will continue on its path of destruction. No person, no group of people, no book, not even a documentary will stimulate any kind of action from the masses. I hate hearing people say that people need to “wake” up. Like seriously everybody knows what’s going on in the World. We might not know the exact details of their doings but it’s in our nature to be curious. Everybody knows what’s going on. We just can't do anything about it. The programming was successful. Their system is basically bulletproof. The pawns run the show and get the fame and blame but the real shot-callers remain hidden and unknown. The reason for this Global brain fart that the population of this world is that most people refuse to understand that this is a spiritual battle just as much as a physical one. They are scheming behind closed doors day and night trying to find different ways to enslave us further. At the same time, we run around like chickens trying to live without taking responsibility for the selfish and entertainment-oriented trajectory that the world is going in. BUY. CONSUME. OBEY. CONFORM.

Fuck The Police, but not like my cunt ex fiance does

I have no intention of ever letting a cop ever come within spitting distance of me again. I am fully ready to die. And as I said at one point. I've found the power to act even from the grave indefinitely anyways.
I'm playing by my own rules. Justice prevails or it dies trying. You don't get to make up wildly false one sided stories with absolutely no evidence and ruin my life without consequence.
I have half a mind to stop complying with this circus theatre they call a court and have them come at me. Honestly, it legit might not even be a choice because they've fucked me over so bad. I literally won't be able to do it.
I've never really wanted to kill myself. It's just the only escape. The freedom they can never take from me. I don't want to hurt people. I'm just acting in self defense, and cops aren't people. They gave up their humanity when they sold their soul to the state.

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

I think this is finally it. She let me go, and now I can end it all without worrying about her.
All I have left in the world is material possessions. Mom brought all my stuff down from back home. I surmise that she knew she was in the wrong and had to make herself feel less guilty. I never really cared about stuff. I've lost so much stuff. I just wanted the people to stay... Now I gotta hastily figure out what I'm doing with this shit. It's not fair to leave it all with the roommates.
They've ruined my entire life, I don't even remember what happiness really felt like. Contentment. Hope for the future. I live in a constant state of paranoia, traumatized by what they've done to me, and unable to function even to keep myself together.
It's not just a breakup. I was handling the breakup just fine. It was when she came back assaulted me, played victim, and crushed me into the dust with the help of the state. Oh but I need to let it go. I need to forgive them. Why am I reacting so horribly?.. I hate you people. The reason Natasha is still on my shitlist 7 years later is that it still gets brought up. And it's not me who brings it up, and it's hindered my life. I'm reminded of it every time I see the scar on my eyebrow in the mirror... I bet it never gets brought up for her. Oh how easy it must be, that's why they needed to play the victim and not emotionally abusive cheating life ruiner. I bet they'll even pretend they're 'traumatized'. Ha, what a joke.
*shrug shoulders* "Yeah that must suck, I feel for you, system is corrupt, now pay another $100"
I could start ending them with the flip of switch and no one could honestly call it anything but justice.
Walk in and just ruin a relationship on the spot and label someone a criminal without any evidence. Nobody asked them to do that. They had to subpoena her into court. I could forgive those bitches if they hadn't shut me down as if this was all they ever wanted. But I could never forgive the piece of shit government and its negligent damage to my life. You might hear later what I had been pondering for them. 'Never forget' levels of damage to the country... I think just releasing that video could be enough to make them store that shit somewhere else. I just want to quit though. A year of prep is a year of suffering and we'll all be dust soon anyway.
And the other false accusations I've had to fight... Cops never arrested anyone for a crime against ME. Even when I lock myself in a room and call them I end up getting arrested. How bout that... How the fuck could I ever respect a badge after what I've been through? It's literally the flag of the enemy. Anna knew about all of it, that's why it was so easy for her.
My career is pretty much over, My life is permanently disabled, My psyche is perpetually fucked. And they just get to blame me, act like it's deserved, as if I made the first slight. This is rock bottom. I can't cry anymore, I don't even feel sad. The colour has come back to the world. That's why I know it's time for final goodbyes. Another day in the life and I can't take it anymore.
Love you all, take care of yourselves. Vids on the 1st.
Peace.

Attempt 4, 5, and Plan B

Going out quietly didn't work, I tried twice. The gas chamber just takes too long I guess. I ended up getting myself Baker acted. The same cop who started all of this is the one who brought me to the hospital. I know where to find him...
I never told anyone about Attempt 1 and 3. The problem with all this is wanting to go out peacefully. I've already experienced so much pain and suffering and mental torment... I can handle whatever it takes for this to be over. And yes Anna, 3 happened when you were playing with me early on.
I truly have nothing left. I'm going to make sure I die this time.
You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites back. I never wanted any of this I wish things could go back to being good. I miss happy... having future plans. I just want to stop suffering and make sure this never happens again. Why is it so hard to just go quietly? Why can't I just have a normal life?
Even the Doctor agreed with everything I said. The same Doc from my accidental OD a month ago. Medication won't help this. Therapy won't help this. Keeping me locked up was only making it worse. I'm just fucked. Rock bottom.
My dreams have become less traumatic and feel more like my life flashing before my eyes. Everyone is there, reliving the good moments, bad moments. I've been sleeping more than I've been awake the last week and I'm still tired. Just sitting in Hell's waiting room.

Half God, Half Devil

When you do monstrous things to a person, you turn them into a monster. Studies have confirmed this on various levels. People who suffer child abuse and sexual abuse are more likely to end up abusers themselves. Most of the people who have done terrible things aren't just crazy. In fact some of the biggest most memorable events are not the work of some common psychopath, but of highly intelligent people pushed too far.
I feel like I'm out of a loop. Is she still trying to minimize things for me I wonder. I would repay the favor if I knew. I think my report speaks for itself. Perhaps I'm gaining some notoriety here. Make a Deputy stop dead in his tracks. Make an officer say he doesn't want to escalate things, just clearing the park. I don't even need to act 'belligerent'. Cool and collected is more concerning. Maybe they know being in spitting distance there's a chance they will get spit on. Remember, I'm not the one knocking on YOUR door.
I don't think there's any saving me. I don't deserve this life they've left me. I know something here has got to give.
I miss being able to call myself a good person. Giving strangers rides, taking people in, doing altruistic deeds... Caring about the environment, caring about the struggle, and warring evil with reason... I miss family, and love that would go to the ends of the earth... Being a intellectual, being a potential mover for society...
But this is all I'm left with. A blog on reddit. And being a twitch away from death.

I Hate This

I suppose I should write an update about how things are going.
Nothing has been deleted really. I've backed up everything to several different places and given access to someone I trust. I haven't actually posted any of that. I was in the hospital at the time. I really thought she would send the kill squad for that for a while.
Anna may not know it but she got her white women trial against me. "Did you threaten a government building?" Result... nothing significant. Btw the answer is no, I had planned to gas myself.
I have the desire to die and haven't been able to do it. I guess at a certain level I've been antagonizing the man to come get me, make it easy. But they still haven't come and my condition has continued to deteriorate.
I know she'll never sit down with me like Natasha did. And my mom can't go 2 seconds without accusing me and shrugging off responsibility. All my backup resources and all my support, gone in a flash. Never to return. I am truly alone besides my psychopathic friend I've come to rely on.
I've been in some shit situations and this is still the worst experience I've ever had. And it just doesn't end. They left me here, and they'll blame me for the consequences.
I know I can make the man kill me. Twice I've been a twitch away from death. And twice I've had everything ready to exit the car and enter the building. They keep tabs on me. I keep a list of where the judge lives, the prosecutor, the cops, and her... Ah but see it's 'crazy' when I do it. It's 'crazy' to find out where your enemies sleep when they harass you with the knowledge they have about you. It's not crazy for them to stalk me in the cul-de-sac... Stalk me at work... I've actually seen her a couple times. I've seen my dog too... I miss Cleo. The dog hairs are still everywhere...
I guess I'm still holding onto some hope that things could get better. But logically I know there is no fixing this. It just gets worse. It only gets worse...
Either I hold out for something big. Or settle for what's already certain. Or maybe something will come save me... Wishful thinking I'm sure.
Maybe I can just shoot myself. I don't want this. and I don't want to die. But those are the only two options.
I often find myself thinking about things... I think I've relived my whole life in the last several months. I miss the freedom I had as a kid. I miss the love I felt as a teenager. The drive I had gained after my attempt. I miss the progress I had made on my career and mental health before this happened...
Now, as I said, all that makes me get out of bed and not go postal yet is pure spite and the knowledge that I can do so much more damage if I hold out just one more day, week, month, year... It's been holding true so far. I would scare my past self, and he's no softie.
When does this end. When do I get to return to normal? Never? Fine... They can only blame themselves.
I know they'll never hold her accountable for what she did. But at least I can stop taking the punishment for things I never did. And send a message while I'm at it...
"I don't want to talk to you right now" Just like her to say that and then never talk to me again... Don't want to talk to me because she lead me on and used me like a stepping stone before turning around and crushing everything I had going...
It never leaves my mind. The state is my enemy. And I have no other choices left.

I (21f) gave been working really hard at driving for a while now. I had to renew my permit because after a year of practicing I was still to scared to take the test. I’m even in therapy for it!
It’s hard to even explain how slow I made progress. I was in tears at the thought of leaving the parking lot for the first 6 months of learning how to drive. It was a major accomplishment when I went 25 on the less-than-one mile drive home from my work.
After over a year of practicing, driving was starting to feel normal to me. I was driving myself home from work (with someone else in the car) a couple times each week, and practicing the 5 mile drive to my university on busy 40mph streets every weekend. I practiced the DMV route several times, and got some experience with the weirder features of the route (there’s a 4-way-stop AND railroad tracks). It was a huge deal when I made my appointment and I was really proud of myself. I actually felt confident driving, finally!
I took my test this February. The examiner I got was really rude right off the bat, and very startling to drive with. Early on, she didn’t see me look around a big truck that was parked on a corner, and when I turned, she exclaimed, “Jesus! You have to look!!” Even though I did look, and there was nobody on the quiet residential street. She continued to be really rude and spoke to me like a child, and acted like i had no business being there. She even said “I don’t know how long you’ve been practicing… but get some more.” I’ve rarely if ever been treated how I was.
She added up my errors (perceived or otherwise) and I just barely failed. My initial reaction was like, screw that lady’s opinion, she was probably having a bad day, and i know i’m not the u safe driver she acted like i am. But the next time I tried to practice, it sank in that her treatment really badly shook my confidence. Most of all, her acting like I went into intersections without looking has made me doubt myself and out the image in my head of entering an intersection having completely missed something i should have seen and just getting rammed into at full speed.
I’m back to being unable to drive on roads now. I know, logically, that those hours of practice are in there somewhere, but I’m so anxious and distrustful of myself that it feels close to being back as square one. I’m so frustrated that my progress is gone, and I honestly wish I hadn’t made that appointment. I’d be much better off without that experience. I feel severely set back and I have no idea how I’m going to regain my confidence because even parking lot laps are so uncomfortable for me that I can barely get myself to go do them.
If anyone has had a similar experience or knows how to move on from this or get that image out of my head please let me know.