Hello.
I have been doing research on OSDD due to having a special interest in psychology, and I wanted some advice on whether some things I experience could be plurality or are normal for the disorders I already have. If it is relevant, I am twenty years old.
For context, I have ADHD, Autism, OCD, Dyscalculia, and Social Phobia.
The discussion of trauma is not until the end of the post and the beginning and end are clearly marked:
[LIKE THIS]
I will begin with discussing my memory. I am notorious for remembering basically nothing. Before the recent months, I have always assumed this to be my ADHD. However, it is more the way I do not remember that is making me question this. Generally, I experience what one may refer to as 'greyout amnesia' perhaps(?) I have a general idea of what happened to this body, but I can not remember it in any specific detail; moreso, it is as if I am given a list of facts that happened and a general sense of being there. I could tell you what I did in order, but I do not physically remember it (or-- I do remember it, but it feels like I was not there). That being said, it is like that with a lot of my memories unless I was directly just doing it, so it can be hard to say for sure whether this would indicate anything of relevance.
I do, however constantly experience dissociation in both depersonalization and derealization. I will very frequently find myself feeling as if I am not in my own body. It is a common occurrence to peer at myself in the mirror and find that I do not recognize myself. It is the same body and same face that I have always had, and I do recognize this fact, but it does not feel like it is mine. I have the same feeling with looking at photos of myself. However, it is important to note that I do not always feel this way. There have been times where I was comfortable and familiar with my face and body, but lately it has not been that way for months. For derealization, it feels like I am not actually real or living in this world. This happens to me a lot and it is a general sense of 'there's no way I'm real' even if I know technically I should be. After I am done with these dissociative episodes, the memories do not appear to me as an episode, but as they were. As if I actually was not myself and/or real for those moments.
Another thing that I experience in regards to not feeling like this is my body is what I have been referring to as 'age dysphoria'. It is exactly what it sounds like; I have phases where I feel very much so like a child (in particular-- the child I used to be) perhaps around age ten. During these periods I will look in the mirror and feel completely dysphoric about appearing so old. This also manifests itself in feeling like my body is too big or that my appearance is much older than it is supposed to be. I will see my hairy legs and think "how are they so hairy... this feels wrong... I'm not supposed to be this old", or I will lay in my bed and be uncomfortable about how much space I occupy. I experienced this just last night, yet I can not recall if I have felt this before because of my memory.
When it comes to possible alters this part is very confusing to me, because everything I experience is not exactly clear. What I do know, is that I have at least two particular versions of myself that I tend to switch between at random intervals. These personality changes usually cooccur with finding a new hyperfixation, and so I always assumed my personality heavily depended on those. Almost everything about me tends to change depending on the type of hyperfixation I have (gender, sexuality, feelings about myself). Right now, my hyperfixation is a children's cartoon and I have been feeling very child-like. I commonly will talk in language too young for my age and broken sentences, even if I technically know how to say it correctly. On the flip side, my last hyperfixation was a media for more mature audiences due to the violence in it. During this time I was definitely feeling more adult-like. This also manifests in periods of complete asexuality and being uncomfortable with adult topics while I am hyperfixated on something child-like.
In addition to these feelings, my thoughts do talk to themselves on occasion. I am confused mostly because it is not exactly a separate voice, but instead the same voice of consciousness. However, I will say there is the capability of two voices at once. Usually I can sing a song in my head and still have a consciousness stream going as normal. Once again, this was presumed to be ADHD. But usually, it is all my same inner voice (more commonly known as thoughts) that think against one another.
For example, I may think "why did you do that?" and then I would answer "I don't know." OR, sometimes I get responses in what may be considered 'the back of my mind'? These are usually very short responses and do not say much if anything. I may say "should I do ___?" and then I will sometimes hear a small "yes" or "no." Usually I would refer to this as intuition, or, when I was younger and religious, I would sometimes think of it as God's voice. Whatever it is, it is clear that I am not deciding these thoughts. They make themselves.
[THIS IS THE TRAUMA PART. DO NOT READ IF IT MAY BE TRIGGERING]
The biggest confusion I have had is with the prerequisite of trauma for the disorder. I know I did not have an easy childhood, but to me it does not seem 'bad enough' to cause OSDD (?). A lot of people consider me very traumatized, but I seem to not care too much about what has happened to me. That being said, I know a lot of people with these types of disorders do not remember a lot of their childhood due to the amnesia, so what do I know.
What I do know, however, is that I never really had a sense of security as a kid. Until my parent's divorced (around age seven) they were constantly fighting. My father has always been a yeller, and will find every excuse to use his loud and booming voice against you. I know I was spanked very hard up until age thirteen. When my father got angry, it was instant terror. He would scream, and throw stuff, and grab you very hard. If you tried to run to your bedroom and lock him out, he would get even angrier. Sometimes he would be so mad that he would rip doors off their hinges and scream at you so loud that you'd instantly zone-out. If my older brother or I made him angry we would immediately be bent over his knee and smacked extremely hard.
My living conditions were always dirty, and we constantly moved around the city at least once every two years. I did not have many (if any) friends because I was autistic and people thought I was weird. These facts were a constant throughout my entire childhood.
After my parent's divorce, I lived with my mother until age fifteen. She also yelled, but more out of stress rather than anger. My mother was very disabled (living with undiagnosed Autism, ADHD, CPTSD, OCD, and Bipolar Disorder as well as diagnosed fibromyalgia) and so she did not do much but sit around. She did not have a job and we lived off of child support alone. Food insecurity was pretty prevalent. We could not afford many things that may be considered valuable or sometimes necessary to a child's development. In addition to this, since my mother was so incapable of parenting, I had to step up as the (previously) eldest daughter. I had been parenting my youngest siblings from a very young age. My older brother stayed away from everyone and was constantly locked in his room in the basement. Mostly, the kids were my responsibility if my mom could not do anything (which was frequent).
Ever since I was very young I was completely emotionally neglected. I actually can not recall being told 'I love you' very much at all. I was constantly considered a bother and an inconvenience and spent a lot of time alone as a result. Every time I am rejected I feel as if I am ten years old again and my parents are telling me to shut up for being so annoying. On the upside, I was more than content to spend time with myself as my mind is always entertaining on its own. However, it did feel like I was there for everyone and nobody was there for me.
My mother was also not a very mentally well person in general. She would constantly emotionally manipulate us and tell us things nobody should ever tell their kids. She would go into detail about her traumatic childhood abuse and tell us kids that she would end her life if she did not have us to take care of (even going as far as to describe how she would do it in graphic detail).
I worked a job as young as possible and hardly ever attended school due to being depressed since I was about twelve. I missed a very substantial portion of my middleschool and highschool education.
When I was fifteen, my mother was arrested for distribution of child pornography. She had kept secret cameras in our bedrooms and bathrooms to send footage to her pedophile boyfriend who lived in a different country. The brunt of the physical sexual abuse was committed on my younger sister who was nine at the time, and, to my knowledge, I was never physically touched by her; however, she did very much groom me with topics I should not have been familiar with at such an age. I remember her constantly telling me to 'go masturbate' (worded as "touch yourself") everytime I was stressed out because it would 'help'. Knowing what I know now, it is clear she just wanted me on camera for her partner.
That aside, when my mother was arrested I moved back in with my father. It was not easy. My father does not believe in mental illness very much, and he was always quick to gaslight me on my emotions. He was still prone to incredible anger as well. Mostly, though, now directed at my younger brother (the new scapegoat now that I was too old to scare into submission). He is very alike me as a child (he has autism and ADHD) and I would constantly get flashbacks to things he said to me as a kid everytime he yelled at my brother.
Needless to say, there was constant yelling in the house. I would have to cover my ears and pretend I did not hear it because I was so petrified due to experiencing the same things very young. Despite that, I was still in charge of emotionally raising my siblings at this house because my father has always been very distant emotionally. I was always the first person to rush in after my siblings got yelled at and comfort them. Yet still, I never had anybody to care for me.
When I turned eighteen, I moved out to university and I thrived very much. However, I did get dependent on weed for a good two years.
I had to drop out due to being completely incapable of functioning as an adult, and now live with my father currently. I will say, he is not as bad as he used to be due to a visit from Child Protective Services.
That is all the relevant information I can think of for my childhood. If any of that was enough to cause some sort of disorder, then perhaps my findings may have some value.
[END OF TRAUMA]
This is all the information I can link to maybe having an alter-based disorder. That being said, I only know so much. This is why I have made this post; it is my hope that something I said today can be explained.
I would like to hear the opinions of people who do experience OSDD and what they make of this. I will be happy to answer any questions you may have for me.
Thank you for your help.

I really do not want to take anti-biotics, at all. This all happened after taking anti biotics in fact to Epidymitis, then I got H pylori and was given anti biotics to fight an H pylori infection, then after that, I have now had green phlegm. I did a sputum test and it was negative, but then went to Randox and did a private test whilst I was sick and tested positive for Moraxella Cattarhalis. Sputum came back negatives.
It has been three weeks and still have a swollen lymph node and green phlegm in mornings, can this go by itself I really really DO NOT want to touch anti biotics, as it always causes problems for me every time I take it.
My doctors even dont want me to take anti biotics so they made me do blood tests, white cell was normal, CRP was normal, everything was normal. On that day, I was not fighting an infection. Im scared it could get worsE?
I guess it might be sinisitis which drips down my mouth in night? I never had green phlegm before, ever, so now im just a bit confused on how to do this as I dont want to take anti biotics. Any advice, will this go away?
Age: 31
Sex: M
Height: 5'11
Weight: 68kg
Duration of complaint: 3 weeks
Location; UK
Current medications: Not on anything

So Im only 15 yrs old rn, for the past few years I've been constantly listening to music on my speakers and headphones alot of time and I think thats what caused my tinnitus since 2021
I didnt really mind it until a few weeks ago it got louder, I think its because of an ear infection (?) Well I removed my earwaxes and the tinnitus is still there, it might also be my constant use of head phones thats why it got worse... so Im gettinf it checked by a doctor next week
I'm wondering if tinnitus is also caused by diet and sleep schedule? If so, I'm willing to change in order to stop my tinnitus or if there is any other way for my tinnitus to stop naturally....? thanks
This tinnitjs has been really annoying recently and im rlly worried about my future if it gets louder

What is relationship abuse?
Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern of control.
Warning signs of abuse:

• Do you feel nervous around your partner?
• Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid your partner’s anger?
• Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?
• Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?
• Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
• Is your partner always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner?
• Does your partner control where you go or check the mileage on your car?
• Does your partner repeatedly and wrongfully accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
• Does your partner tell you that if you changed, they wouldn’t treat you like this?
• Does your partner’s jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
• Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?
• Has your partner ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
• Does your partner throw or break objects to intimidate you?
• Does your partner make you feel scared by driving too fast and refusing to slow down when you ask?
• Does your partner say, “I will kill myself if you break up with me” or “I will hurt/kill you if you break up with me”?
• Does your partner make excuses for the abusive behavior? For example: saying, “It’s because of alcohol or drugs,” or “I can’t control my temper,” or “I was just joking”?
• Does your partner brag about bullying or harming others or animals?
• Has your partner abused or killed your animals?
• Does your partner impose stereotypical gender roles or invalidate your gender identity?

​
Types of abuse:
Physical abuse is any intentional, unwanted contact with you or something close to your body, or any behavior that causes or has the intention of causing you injury, disability, or death.

• ^{Scratching, punching, biting, strangling, choking, or kicking.}
• ^{Throwing items at you like a phone, book, shoe, or plate.}
• ^{Pulling your hair.}
• ^{Pushing or pulling you, or forcibly grabbing your clothing.}
• ^{Threatening to use or using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace, or other weapon against you.}
• ^{Touching any part of you without your permission or consent.}
• ^{Forcing you to have sex or perform a sexual act.}
• ^{Grabbing your face to make you look at them.}
• ^{Preventing you from leaving or forcing you to go somewhere.}

Emotional abuse & verbal abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, or stalking.

• ^{Calling you names or putting you down.}
• ^{Telling you what to do or wear.}
• ^{Yelling or screaming at you.}
• ^{Intentionally embarrassing you in front of others or starting rumors about you.}
• ^{Preventing you from seeing or communicating with friends or family, or threatening to have your children taken away from you.}
• ^{Damaging your property (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.})
• ^{Using online communities or communications to control, intimidate, or humiliate you.}
• ^{Blaming abusive or unhealthy behavior on you or your actions.}
• ^{Being jealous of outside relationships or accusing you of cheating.}
• ^{Stalking you or your loved ones.}
• ^{Threatening to harm you, your pets, or people in your life.}
• ^{Threatening to harm themselves to keep you from ending the relationship.}
• ^{Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.}
• ^{Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.}
• ^{Threatening to expose personal details, such as your sexual orientation or immigration status.}

Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity takes place, including oral sex, rape, or controlling reproductive methods and choices.

• ^{Unwanted kissing or touching.}
• ^{Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.}
• ^{Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control.}
• ^{Preventing someone from using protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs}.)
• ^{Sexual contact with someone intoxicated from drugs or alcohol, unconscious, asleep, or otherwise unable to give clear and informed consent.}
• ^{Threatening, pressuring, or otherwise forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts.}
• ^{Using sexual insults toward someone.}

Financial abuse often operates in more subtle ways than other forms of abuse, but it can be just as harmful to those who experience it.
Modern conditions of stark economic inequality mean that financial security is directly tied to our health and wellbeing. No one has the right to use money or how you choose to spend it to control your actions or decisions, and no one should control your ability to work.

• ^{Giving you an allowance or monitoring what you buy.}
• ^{Depositing your paycheck into an account you can’t access.}
• ^{Preventing you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.}
• ^{Forbidding you from working or limiting the hours you do.}
• ^{Preventing you from going to work by taking your car, keys, or other mode of transportation.}
• ^{Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer, or your co-workers.}
• ^{Hiding or stealing your student financial aid check or other financial support.}
• ^{Using your social security number to obtain loans without your permission.}
• ^{Using your child’s social security number to claim an income tax refund without your permission.}
• ^{Maxing out your credit cards without permission.}
• ^{Refusing to provide you with money, food, rent, medicine, or clothing.}
• ^{Using funds from your children’s tuition or a joint savings account without your knowledge.}
• ^{Spending money on themselves while preventing you from doing the same.}
• ^{Giving you presents or paying for things with the expectation of something in return.}
• ^{Using financial circumstances to control you.}

Digital dating abuse is the use of technologies like texting and social media to bully, harass, stalk, or intimidate a partner. This behavior is often a form of verbal or emotional abuse, conducted online.

• ^{Telling you who you can or can’t follow or be friends with on social media.}
• ^{Sending you negative, insulting, or threatening messages or emails.}
• ^{Using social media to track your activities.}
• ^{Insulting or humiliating you in their posts online, including posting unflattering photos or videos.}
• ^{Sending, requesting, or pressuring you to send unwanted explicit photos or videos, sexts, or otherwise compromising messages.}
• ^{Stealing or pressuring your to share your account passwords.}
• ^{Constantly texting you or making you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone.}
• ^{Looking through your phone or checking up on your pictures, texts, and phone records.}
• ^{Using any kind of technology (such as spyware or GPS in a car or phone to monitor your activities.})

Stalking occurs when someone watches, follows, or harasses you repeatedly, making you feel afraid or unsafe.

• ^{Showing up at your home or workplace unannounced or uninvited.}
• ^{Sending you unwanted texts, messages, letters, emails, or voicemails.}
• ^{Leaving you unwanted items, gifts, or flowers.}
• ^{Calling you and hanging up repeatedly or making unwanted phone calls to you, your employer, a professor, or a loved one.}
• ^{Using social media or technology to track your activities.}
• ^{Spreading rumors about you online or in person.}
• ^{Manipulating other people to investigate your life, including using someone else’s social media account to look at your profile or befriending your friends in order to get information about you.}
• ^{Waiting around at places you spend time.}
• ^{Damaging your home, car, or other property.}
• ^{Hiring a private investigator to follow or find you as a way of knowing your location or movements.}

---
Avoid victim blaming
Why is it dangerous?
^{Victim-blaming attitudes marginalize the victim/survivor and make it harder to come forward and report the abuse. If the victim/survivor knows that you or society blames survivors for abuse, they will not feel safe or comfortable coming forward and talking to you.
Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce the manipulative tactics that abusers use to control their partner; abusers tell survivors that it is their fault this is happening. Committing violence is always the choice of the person who is abusing. It is NOT the victim/survivor’s fault or responsibility to fix the violence that an abuser is committing against them. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows abusive people to perpetrate relationship abuse or sexual assault while avoiding accountability for those actions.
Victim-blaming attitudes prevent society from acknowledging and changing toxic masculinity and rape culture.}
Where does it come from?
^{In order to stop victim-blaming, it is helpful to understand why it occurs in the first place. One reason that people blame a victim/survivor is to distance themselves from an unpleasant occurrence. This gives a false sense that this could not happen to them. By labeling or accusing the victim/survivor, others can see the victim/survivor as different from themselves. People use the Just World theory, Invulnerability theory, and Assumptive World theory in an attempt to feel like they have control over situations where they do not have control. People reassure themselves by thinking, “Because I am not like the victim/survivor, because I do not do XYZ, this would never happen to me.” We need to help people understand that a survivor’s actions do not contribute to a perpetrator’s (those that choose to harm decision to commit relationship abuse and sexual violence. It is our responsibility as members of society to support survivors and hold abusers accountable.})
What does victim blaming look like?
^{Common Victim Blaming Statements:}

• ^{“The victim provoked him”}
• ^{“They both have problems”}
• ^{“The victim shouldn’t have married him after”}
• ^{“The victim was drunk”}
• ^{“They can’t be abused, because they are in an LGBTQI+ relationship”}

^{Example of Victim-Blaming Attitude:}

• ^{“She must have provoked him into being abusive. They both need to change.”}

^{Reality: This statement assumes that the victim is equally to blame for the abuse, when in reality, abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser. Abusers have a choice in how they react to their partner’s actions. Options besides abuse include: walking away, talking in the moment, respectfully explaining why an action is frustrating, breaking up, etc. Additionally, abuse is not about individual actions that incite the abuser to hurt the victim/survivor, but rather about the abuser’s feelings of entitlement to do whatever the abuser wants to their partner. When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse and say that both people need to change, they are taking away responsibility from the perpetrator (those that choose to harm}, ^{thereby colluding with/supporting the abusive partner and making it less likely that the survivor will seek support.})
^{Victim Blaming in Language:One of the biggest sources of victim blaming is the way we talk about it. Language surrounding abuse and sexual assault immediately puts our attention on the victim instead of the perpetrator. This is a demonstration developed by Julia Penelope and frequently used by Jackson Katz to show how language can be victim blaming:}

• ^{John beat Mary; This sentence is written in active voice. It is clear who is committing the violence.}
• ^{Mary was beaten by John; The sentence has been changed to passive voice, so Mary comes first.}
• ^{Mary was beaten; Notice that John is removed from the sentence completely. Our attention is completely focused on Mary.}
• ^{Mary is a battered woman; Being a battered woman is now part of Mary’s identity. John is not a part of the statement, and he will not be held accountable for his choice to abuse.}

^{As you can see, the focus has shifted entirely to Mary instead of John, encouraging the audience to focus on the survivor’s actions instead of the perpetrator’s actions. The solutions regarding prevention become focused on what Mary can do differently, not on what John can do differently, and not on how society creates a culture that supports John’s behavior.}
What can I do about it?

• ^{Challenge victim-blaming statements when you hear them}
• ^{Do not agree with abusers’ excuses for why they abuse}
• ^{Let survivors know that it is not their fault}
• ^{Hold abusers accountable for their actions: do not let them make excuses like blaming the victim, alcohol, or drugs for their behavior}
• ^{Acknowledge that survivors are their own best experts and provide them with resources and support}
• ^{Recognize that victim-blaming can take on many forms and manifest in unique ways, which can be rooted in racist, sexist, and/or homophobic attitudes present in society.}
• ^{Avoid victim blaming in the media}
• ^{Reframe the question “Why does the victim stay?” to “Why does the perpetrator (those that choose to harm abuse?” See Barriers to Leaving an Abusive Relationship}
• ^{Understand the frequently asked questions that often interrupt accountability.}
• ^{See Tips for Media Professionals for information on how you can re-frame victim-blaming language.}

^{Remember if you are aware of abusive behavior and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place.\})
---
Additional resources for those experiencing abuse in relationships:

• Plan for safety if you are experiencing abuse.
• Learn more about how to support a loved one who is experiencing abuse.
• Educate yourself about barriers to leaving abusive relationships.

https://www.loveisrespect.org/ / Call 1-866-331-9474 / Text LOVEIS to 22522
https://www.thehotline.org/ / Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) / Text START to 88788
https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/

Is a Bounced mix in Logic Pro inferior to playing the song in realtime?
This is a very controversial question to ask, because everybody always says “No!” (including excellent ears like yourselves). But there’s always a few troublemakers who claim they can hear a difference in their Bounced mix compared to playing their session in realtime. I believe that I do hear a difference sometimes, but I assume it’s a psychoacoustic effect caused by my knowing it’s a Bounce and therefor “it must be degraded” (a bias from the analog days). Degraded how? Less clarity and sparkle, narrower spatial image, the snare doesn’t sound as crisp, I can’t hear the skin on the kick drum as well… Maybe it depends on which I listen to first (playing live or the Bounce).
Importing the Bounce back into Logic Pro, flipping phase and playing along with the mix gives "silence" (actually, I hear a residual sound for a couple seconds, then it goes silent [no matter where I place the playhead], but that's probably nothing to worry about). Since it "passed the zero sum test", the Bounce must be identical and is not degraded. Case closed. Then why does the mix seem to sound "bigger and better" than the Bounce solo'd?
Another factor is how is the listener playing back the Bounce? It does seem to sound better when imported and played in LUNA than it does in Quicktime. To make sure loudness wasn’t a factor, I lowered the output level of LUNA by 2dB. It sounds like a quieter but higher quality mix than when played in Quicktime. So perhaps this complaint is due to the quality of the playback app.
Have any of you encountered this issue or have any solutions?

Notes: We are both 16

I know the title sounds bad, I completely get it. You would never want to call someone overly dramatic when they experience emotions. This is just tiring, she is constantly arguing with me over trivial things (I constantly agree of if you feel something thats enough to make it real). She got mad at me for asking her “are you gonna watch the Spiderman movie with julie (fake name). Her response was “Im hanging up” proceeds to go on a rant about how she hates being correlated with her friends and how she feels like im always relating them to her and I did ask her before but she has done things like go with her friends before when I’ve asked first. After that I sit there and validate every single feeling and its like 11:30 at night and i got home at 10 ish and argued at 10:20 I came home from a 9 hour shift as well so i was tired. After all of that me sitting there and just telling her she is right and i was being stupid she calls me and i tell her im sleepy and im gonna sleep so she hangs up on me very petty and i call her back and i just like in a really stern and aggressive voice i told her like “Why did you hang up? I always sit there and validate how you feel and you get upset that im tired after working all day?” She stayed quiet the whole time, I even like said hello and she just stayed quiet so I hang up. After i text her like why do you just stay quiet after all of that and she just says “im sorry” like 8 times and she spams calls me but at this point I just want to sleep. I answer her call, i ask her like why did she not respond and she says “i couldnt move, i just couldnt say anything to you, i was scared” I respond with “are you okay? like do you feel like i abuse you i feel as someone would only have this reaction if they were being abused” (In my head i literally am like what the hell I dont even yell at this girl let alone even touch her) she says “you were just being so mean and aggressive, so i just was so scared” what i do after that is talk to her in a more callming voice and im like “I dont yell at you yet its almost like you attribute me to being abusive, i dont call you names and i sit here all the time and listen to your feelings and just validate them” she just stays quiet and like she just starts bawling and crying a lot and i just im just lost at this point like its gotten nowhere and its already like 1 in the morning at this point and after she just like im sorry and im tired and like i love you goodnight i get pissed after this like said a petty comment and i shouldnt have said it but i said “all i wanted was to talk to you and look where we are” and she like starts bawling again and im just like im sorry and we go to sleep fast forward to like right now she is still upset we havent talk all morning and she is just like “im tired, my heart hurts, being in a call with you hurts me more” I ask is it about yesterday and she says yes and i go and say “ Oh if you would like to be alone i understand , you dont have to be in the call, im sorry if im bothering you at all” 

she says after this “idk what to do anymore, it hurts sm, like why can you love me but make me feel so horrible” I said “Im sorry i make you feel that way, i dont intend to make you feel that way at all, its okay to still be bothered by yesterday, there isn’t much to do, we talked about it and came up with the solution and talked about what we could do better, its just a matter of us moving on from the situation.” She just says after that “yea, do you want to watch a show” Like im just so confused like im horrible a person one second and she just wants to watch a show with me now?? please i need advice i really love this girl.
Edit: q She just sent me this “i just cant. i cant be with your presence and trying to be okay when im not okay at all. i cant ignore how i feel when im with you and its unfair to you so its better if im just alone. we didnt come up with solutions you did. what solutions. you are right half my problems are not real and last night was dumb, i just needed to be alone. i regret talking about how i feel with you and feeling that way cuz you just get annoyed. Like i dont feel safe when you get aggravated that way like i already been telling you how i feel that way and my anxiety. like i just want to be heared and i dont expect you to do that because you are human and have your own thoughts. i dont even feel human around you because it feel like your so mean to me. but it doesnt even matter. And i did acknowledge you trying. I dont know what to do i feel like shit rn like i wanted to die last night. snd we wake up feeling worse. like i understand how you got annoyed when i didnt reply to you when u called out my name like what else can i say i was hurt i couldnt talk like you dont understand how it felt. i was so helpless and scared. like why do you say you love me but your so mean and dont treat me oike a princess. i’m not even mad i just remember how i felt and it hurt so much. like this is all i have to say and i dont want you to reply like sorry if this is repetitive and makes no sense i’m just promising to protect myself and not cause myself to feel this way ever again” I dont understand this at all., she is saying all these things and i just dont know what to do like i want to hear her out but like i mjsut like i dotn know what to do “hopeless and scared”
like idk thats just so foreign to me, i grew up in a really physical household and this to me is somethign i think only people with domestic violence..i dont even yell at her i just want to get better for her and me i just dont know where to draw the line i havent replied to her but she also said this
“my heart just feels broken and this may be over exaggerating thats just how i feel i think its cuz i put every ounce of trust with you and thats so unfair, and i apologize for everythjng”

Trigger warnings: depression, emotional, mental and physical abuse, child abuse, abortions, suicide idealations and attempts.
Backstory: I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 13 years old, although some doctors believe I'd been having seizures since I was as young as 6 or 7. I was also diagnosed with manic depression/bipolar disorder when I was 16.
At 21 I gave birth to my first daughter, M. A little under two years later I had my second daughter, A. The first pregnancy wasn't easy and I had a lot of seizures during the course of the pregnancy. Many trips to the hospital to make sure baby was safe. But after I gave birth I jumped straight into motherhood. I lived roughly 4 hours away from my parents and struggled with feeling homesick frequently. I called my dad daily for parenting advice, to vent, to update him, and also to help subside that homesick feeling. Regardless though, I was a very attentive and active mom. I spent all of my time with M. She was my best friend. I LOVED being a mom and I was THRIVING. After M turned 1, I moved back "home" and moved back in with my parents. My second pregnancy was much the same. Uncomfortable pregnancy, many seizures. However with this pregnancy I had some complications that caused A to be born 10 weeks early. This caused A to spend the first several months of her life in the nicu and even had to have gastral intestinal surgery before she was even 4 months old. Due to my epilepsy I do not drive, but I did everything I could in my power to see my A as frequently and for as long as I could. Visiting hours were somewhat restricting though.
At some point in time I started displaying symptoms of postpartum depression that was heavily exasperated by my manic depression. I was at an all time low. The physical pain of a depression that immense had crippled me. I felt like I had concrete in my veins. Just getting up and going to the bathroom was an exhausting task. I spent most of my days sleeping as an escape from the pain and exhaustion. Thankfully I lived with my parents, my younger daughters father (J), and some of my sisters. I would say I had plenty of help and support, but a more accurate statement would be "the children were looked after". I on the other hand was mocked, teased and belittled at every opportunity. At the time I thought nothing of it. I thought "that's just how my family is" I was raised with the motto "the more I tease you, the more I love you". Before my dad knew I was pregnant (I kept it a secret for 18 weeks because J was pressuring me to get an unwanted abortion.) my dad pointed to my stomach one morning and said "you know, some situps would help with that" I was devastated, already feeling fat and disgusting, and went to my room to cry.
Without me even realizing it, the negative comments and belittling nature of my family took a toll on me and I was getting deeper and deeper into my depression without a light at the end of the tunnel. I HATED myself for not being able to get up and play with my children. I couldn't understand how I could be so active and attentive with M at that age but I just didn't have it in me for A. I felt like I'd failed her in so many ways. I tried my best to find solutions to the problem. Often times I'd try to find games to play with them that involved me lying or at least sitting on the couch. Puzzles, coloring, movies, cars. Anything low impact, but kids want to run and play and be active.. I felt like the worst mom of all times and I wasn't being told differently by those around me. In fact my greatest fears were being confirmed daily. One day I finally broke and had a full mental breakdown in front of my mom. I had confessed to my mom that I was having suicidal idealations. I knew deep down I didn't want to end my life, but I wanted the pain to stop. I couldn't breathe under the weight of my depression and I desperately needed help. I sat on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, confessing all of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings at that time. My mom, in my opinion, brushed me off and said "well look into counseling or something" and then walked away, while I stayed sitting against our front door, crying my heart out. I felt devastated. All I wanted was a hug and some comfort but it was clear I was barking up the wrong tree. I got myself together, went upstairs, and went to sleep in order to escape the heartbreak and numb myself again. This entire timeline is a blur to me, so I'm not sure how much time passed between my melt down and this next conversation, but I feel like it was less than a week when my mom sat me down to have a conversation about the girls.
She suggested to me that my parents take temporary custody of the girls until I was able to "get on my feet". She kept pushing this narrative that it was what was best for the girls and their safety. She used my epilepsy as an excuse. Telling me that it was unsafe for the girls to be under my care when my epilepsy was so unpredictable. She also used my mental health, feeding into all of my fears and my own perceived shortcomings. A decent way into the conversation, my dad joined us. His whole demeanor radiated "this is a waste of my time. Just do what we say so I can go do other things" but maybe that was me reading too deeply into his behavior. Once he sat down it felt like my mom leaned even deeper into this narrative that they were clearly the better option for the girls wellbeing, but it would only be for a short time and that they were mainly concerned with the girls quality of life. I really struggled with what to do. I already felt like I was failing my children because I was so mentally and emotionally drained and detached. I didn't want to abandon them or lose them, but I also didn't want to harm them in the ways I had been harmed growing up. I figured my mom knew best because she had been in my shoes for all of my childhood. The vast majority of memories I have of my mom are of her sleeping on the couch, or raging out over the most minuscule things. I didn't want my children raised like that... So reluctantly, I agreed, truly believing I was doing a selfless thing and putting my children first. (This would later be used against me at every opportunity) I signed a piece of computer paper that my mom had scribbled an agreement on, stating that I was signing over temporary custody of my kids to my parents, with the understanding that I would get full custody back at an undisclosed time.
One day while I was down the road at a friend's house, my mom called me frantic, demanding I get home immediately. I rushed up to the house to find out that A's dad, J, had her wrapped in three blankets, in her car seat (it's the only place she would sleep). She was drenched in sweat (apparently new borns aren't supposed to sweat, especially not that much) and she was crying hysterically due to discomfort. J was irate, screaming at her and aggressively shaking the car seat. My mom said she heard him scream "shut the fck up or I'm going to *unalive you". She was under the impression that him and I were arguing again, and had come to break up the fight. (This always seemed odd to me seeing as how she never once intervened in our arguments before) When she realized I wasn't home and he was talking to A, she grabbed A and went downstairs. As she walked down the hall, j punched a hole in the wall near her head. He claimed he was "only trying to scare her" because she was "stealing his child from him" I was outraged and mortified. I tried multiple times to leave him and kick him out, but I had no support from my family. At one point I even resorted to packing up all of his belongings and throwing them out on the lawn. I'm not proud of that but I felt I had no other choice, and rushed to lock the doors when he went to get his things. My sister promptly unlocked the door and let him back in, claiming I was "acting psychotic" I felt trapped... But I had grown up around this behavior. My dad was an angry drunk and I had grown up believing that those behaviors were "passion" rather than aggression. So I accepted my fait and went on as if nothing had happened, certain that this would be the rest of my life.
One day when J was driving me to work we got into an argument and he repeatedly told me "your dad was right. You should do the world a favor and just unalive yourself. Everyone would be a lot happier" he kept repeating it over and over until I finally had it. He pulled up to a stop sign and I got out of the car and started walking down the road. He immediately started freaking out, begging me to get back in the car, using everything he could think of to manipulate me into getting back into the car. I finally caved and got back in. J dropped me off at work and as I got out of the car I told him "we're over. I'm breaking up with you". I closed the door before he could say a word and walked into work feeling like I was on cloud 9. It felt like all of my troubles had been wiped away. When I got inside, I told a friend what happened and explained that I didn't want to go home that night because I knew a guilt trip was waiting for me when I got there. I knew there would be an argument that would last hours and I would finally break due to exhaustion and would inevitably take him back. My coworker seemed to understand and let me stay at his house as long as I needed.
I called my mom and told her what had happened. I begged and pleaded with her to kick J out, but she refused. She was concerned that he'd try to take A if she kicked him out. I told her I was certain he wouldn't. He only ever cared about himself and his own self preservation. A baby would only make things harder for him and it was a responsibility and a role he didn't even want in the first place. I told her J had spent 18 weeks pressuring me to abort A and was evening willing to drive me out of state to get the procedure done, until I finally put my foot down and told him no, I was keeping my baby. I stayed away for 2 full weeks, the entire time begging and pleading with my family. Pointing out his abusive tendencies and his history with verbal and physical abuse and outbursts. My mom held her ground and refused to help me in any capacity. Every time M asked where I was, my mom would say "your mom's at work" rather than have her call me and talk to me. This created a lot of psychological trauma for M. She had severe seperstion anxiety, having panic attacks any time someone had to leave the house, convinced that if they left they'd never return. Still to this day she has abandonment issues as well as severe panic attacks.
After two weeks, I started coming over for visits but I never moved back in. During this time, J informed me that he was talking to another girl. He made it abundantly clear that she was 16. He was roughly 25 or 26 at the time. I later found out that they weren't talking. In fact, she had a boyfriend who was age appropriate, but J had been going and telling their entire friend group that they had been messing around together. I was then informed by my younger sibling L, that J had made advances on her that she quickly shut down. I think she was roughly 18 at the time. When this didn't pan out and J didn't get the reactions he expected from myself or L, he moved on. Years later I was told the same time xact story by both J and my oldest sister Al. "We had been hanging out, drinking, smoking. Ya know, the usual. And then well... Because I was so inebriated, they took advantage of me and we slept together" Knowing the both of them well enough, I knew it was consensual and they were just embarrassed and scared of my reaction. I laughed and told them they deserved one another.
As you can imagine, J's questionable life choices caught up with him and he was rejected from every friend group he had, to the point where he left the state and broke all contact with myself, and my family. It was a weight off my shoulders when he was finally gone. At that point I had gotten my own apartment but it was the first time I lived alone, paying my own bills, and I was not good at it. I was missing bill payments left and right. My power was shut off in the middle of winter and before long I was evicted. I was homeless and asked my parents if I could move home. They said no, that it would be too confusing for the girls if I moved back in with them. I ended up staying with friends on the couch in a one bedroom. It was extremely uncomfortable, but I had a roof over my head. When their lease was up, they invited me to get a new place with them. I agreed and I started learning about finances and how to be a functioning part of society.
My parents said I was welcome to visit the girls any time I wanted, but when I'd ask, it was a whole ordeal and guilt trip because they had to come pick me up and refused to bring my kids to my place. They said the car ride was too much for the girls to handle. Mind you, Ms dad B, still lives 4 hours away. My parents regularly drive both of my daughters up to see B and his parents whenever Bs parents request it. However, a 30 minute drive was asking far too much of such young and fragile children. When I argued that point they would use other excuses why they would not be bringing my children to see me. Once again I felt powerless and like a bad mom, being paraded by my parents for not being more active in my kids lives, but when I tried to make the effort it was scorned and met with negativity.
I self isolated for awhile, but still tried to be apart of my children's lives.
Over the years I've brought up the custody agreement, pointing out that it was supposed to only be temporary. I think my parents got frustrated with this because once the girls started school, my mom pressured me to sign over full custody, claiming it would make filling out paperwork a lot easier on my parents. But it was still only temporary, supposedly. Again, I continued to press for custody back and I would be met with argument after argument, bombarded with all of my shortcomings. On multiple occasions my mom told me "if you take custody of the girls back it will destroy mine and your father's marriage. Some days the girls are the only thing keeping us together" I was also told "if you take custody back it will literally kill your father. He won't survive." A year or so ago I told my mom we needed to go to therapy because I could not speak to her without a mediator. She finally agreed and we had two sessions. The first of which she cried her eyes out, telling the therapist that she's always done her absolute best for us kids and that we never appreciate anything she's done for us. She said "I took on the responsibility of raising two young children while she was out there f*cking anyone and everyone she wanted" mind you, during the time frame she was talking about, I had one intimate partner. When I confronted her about it outside of the session she said "I said that to highlight the poor life choices you were making at the time"
Fast-forward to now, A and I have a good relationship, but she's closest to my dad over everyone. M and I still have an incredibly tight bond though. She tells me everything. I'm her best friend.
The things she's been telling me the last couple of years are bringing up a lot of PTSD and trauma for me from my childhood. It's been opening my eyes to the level of mental abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.
At this point you're probably thinking what I thought for most of my life. "This girl's mom sounds like a monster" It wasn't until recently that my father's facade was irreversibly shattered in my eyes. M had come to me and asked "what would you say if I asked to be called unisex name". I told her "I wouldn't say anything. I'd just call you by the name you chose. I love you no matter what I call you. I will always love you no matter what. There's nothing in this world that will change that, especially not a name." In time M came to me and said "how would you react if I told you I like girls" I said "the same way I reacted when you wanted to change your name. I will always accept, support and love you, no matter what"
She had gone to my mom with the same questions and my mom had roughly the same response. My dad on the other hand had a much more viseral response. When the name was brought up, he hit the roof, yelling "I'm not having another kid try and change their name. That's stupid. You have a name." (L changed their name when they were in school and my father always hated it and still refuses to call L by their chosen name) When the topic of sexual preference was broached he'd just roll his eyes, huff and act like M was being stupid and childish. As I touched up on previously, M has severe panic attacks. I can relate because I also suffer from them and they were extremely bad around the same age that M is now. From things M had told me in passing I'm under the impression that she was being bullied at school. Every morning was a struggle. She would beg my parents to let her stay home. If it was up to my mom, she'd get frustrated and give in, saying "whatever. Do whatever you want. You do anyway. None of you ever listen to me or respect anything I say" and M would go lie in bed and call me crying that she "upset nana" If it were my dad however, he'd yell at her to get her @$$ in the car and that he wasn't dealing with her $ht. She would have full fledged panic attacks in the car to which he would yell and scream at her to knock off the teenage bllsh*t and to suck it up. One day he even threatened to institutionalize her if this behavior continued. She called me, mid breakdown, telling me everything that had happened and asked me "what even does that mean? Is he gonna lock me up in a psych ward because I'm having panic attacks?" I assured her that no one was doing any such thing. I then called my parents and tore into them for treating her like that. My skin was crawling, I was so appalled at his behavior.
He tries his best to mask his negativity and what I consider to be narcissistic tendencies. He went from being an angry alcoholic to being a sober helpful part of the church he attends. I told my mom recently that I believe he swapped one addiction for another. He portrays this happy healthy life and family all over social media, showing my kids off to the people at his church, claiming they're his kids. So much so to the point that I had attended a few services and people thought I was their sister, not their mom, because my dad refuses to refer to them as his grandchildren. He's even taken it so far as to claim that he BIRTHED them. I don't know what level of psychosis it takes for a man to claim that he carried two children in his womb, but that's besides the point.
Also to Ms detriment, he will tease her about her weight, her eating habits, her sleeping habits. He will also make snide comments about LGBTQ+ related and adjacent topics.
L, had also suffered this same emotional and mental abuse for years from our dad and subsequently my mom who is too scared of my dad to stand up for her own beliefs. L finally made the difficult decision to go no contact for their mental health. This was extra difficult for them because that meant they had less access to their nieces and nephew, but they had to do what was best for their mental state and they took a step back. At one point my dad had brought L up, calling them by their dead name and misgendering them. When M corrected my dad he scoffed and said "people who change their names and gender are just people who weren't loved enough as a child" M responded with "k.." and went to her room to call me, explaining how incredibly offensive that statement was, especially seeing as how that's his own child. She said "who's fault is it if L wasn't loved enough as a child?" (She's extremely aware for her age)
I got a phone call from A one afternoon. She was crying and told me "I'm just sad because I'm never going to see L again because she abandoned us." I asked who told her that and she said "papa said dead name abandoned us because she doesn't care about the family anymore" I explained that none of that was true and that L missed them very much, and wanted to see them very much.
I spoke to L regularly about the situation at hand, being as supportive as possible while trying to stay out of the family drama. After months of distancing themselves from our parents, they came to me for help and guidance. They wanted to have dinner with our parents to try and mend their relationships. However they were scared of the response they would receive, so I offered to be the buffer and reach out on their behalf.
My mom's response was perfect. She said "I would love to have dinner with them. Tell me when and where" My dad's response was less ideal. He said "we would love to have dinner with her. If she's ready to respect our family and our beliefs we would be happy to have dinner with her" I lost it on him. I told him that I was sick and tired of his behavior. He puts on a holier than thou facade but he doesn't actually act very christ like in reality. I pointed out that when the prodigal son returned he wasn't met with "are you ready to ahere to our rules and regulations now? Are you prepared to act the way that we want you to? If you are then you can come home, but if not, get out" he was welcomed home with open arms, regardless of anything he had done or said. He replied with "I had a gut feeling that I shouldn't have responded to that text. I should've listened to that gut instinct"
I've gone no contact with him since that argument, but as you can imagine, that was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
On mother's day, my dad was out of town but my girls went to church with my mom. There was a guest speaker who had an extremely antitrans message. The way my mom explained it was "if your kid comes out as trans, you're a failure as a mom" I was dumbfounded to hear that they'd have a message like that at all, but especially on mother's day, shaming parents, but specifically mom's, into rejecting their children's self identification, as if one person has control over another person's identity. M told me she didn't ever want to go back. I told her I understood and I'd do my best to make sure she didn't have to.
Today is my birthday and my girls are coming over. M texted me this morning saying "I'm getting ready for church. I was told that if I wanted to go to my mom's house, I had to go to church first" This used to be a place that she felt safe and happy in and now it's become a place of contention for her. She'll ask my mom if she can stay home (never my dad) and although my mom usually caves and lets her stay home, it's always with some stipulation.
My dad is a controlling, manipulative, homophobic, close minded fraud of a Christian who is emotionally and mentally harming and abusing my children, and my mom isn't much safer for either of them, always siding with my dad out of fear and exhaustion.
I desperately want to remove them from this situation and regain full custody but I don't know where to start. I work two jobs in order to make ends meet. I'm behind on my rent. I have to take buses and Ubers everywhere I go. I have a very small two bedroom apartment (the girls each have their own rooms at my parents house). They have friends and a sense of community where they are, with a nice sized backyard, a trampoline, two of my three siblings are close by so they get to see their cousins daily. I don't want to rip them away from the only home they've known for years. I don't want to uproot them and disrupt the little amount of structure they do have. I don't even know how I would manage two jobs as well as a 10 and a 12 year old, but I also don't want to leave them in this toxic suffocating and damaging environment when all along I thought it was a better and safer environment for them than what I had to offer.
I feel like I'm still brainwashed to some extent by my parents, second guessing my abilities as a mom. Telling myself I'm not capable of the things I need to do for these girls. I'm at a loss for what to do at this point. Do I fight for custody back? Do I leave them as they are? Do I continue to try and advocate for them even though it either falls on deaf ears or makes matters so much worse, because that frustration is then taken out on my kids?

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A staredown soon ensued.
One that neither of us seemed to be willing to let up on.
But as far as staredowns went, this one was pretty evenly matched as neither of us really had the ability to ‘blink’, or at least as far as an outside observer could see.
My whole schtick was pretty obvious, the tinted lenses were more or less just doing the job for me, taking blinking out of the equation entirely and adding a solid plus ten to my intimidation base stats.
The shadowy cloaked figure’s approach was just downright bizarre though, as instead of eyes, there were just these two trapezoidal ‘lights’ that I assumed were supposed to be a placeholder for his actual eyes hidden somewhere underneath the shadowy void casted by his hood.
A void which was downright pitchblack, and completely impenetrable to the naked eye.
The figure gave off a surreal vibe as his rogue-like attire, coupled with the hood and the impenetrable shadow it casted, looked like it’d been ripped straight out of a Castles and Wyverns art book or a high-fantasy comic. The pitch-black void that obscured his face, and those two trapezoidal eyes that hovered and shifted with increasing scrutiny, just didn’t look real.
While most would leave it at that, I wasn’t one to leave a mystery hanging, I was a human with an entire visual sensor suite to work with for crying out loud. So before I even knew it, I reflexively went to activate my night-vision cameras. Only to see that the shadowy effect covering up his face was still there.
This led me to only one solid conclusion.
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 140% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
A quick localized environmental scan made it clear to me that this was yet another one of the Nexus’ weird mana-fueled acts of tomfoolery.
“What say you, first years? Are you here for healing, or are you here for a visit? For as I have stated, the healing wing is not accepting visits at this point in time.” The hooded figure answered with this strange mix between a sing-song voice and an attempt at sounding gruff and gravely.
“We have an unfulfilled point of personal privilege that requires addressment.” Thacea stepped up to the plate, promptly placing herself by my side, then taking several steps forward. “Along with an unresolved conflict which requires immediate resolution by the party with which the aforementioned point of personal privilege was evoked but was halted due to unforeseen circumstances.” The princess began flexing her courtly-talk with the hooded figure, which clearly seemed to have some effect as he reached up a single gloved hand up to where his chin should be, only to have his fingers disappear as soon as they entered the dark shadowy effect currently covering up his face.
“And with whom is this unresolved matter incurred?” The figure inquired plainly, though the way he spoke shifted to something a bit more accommodating, perhaps even a little bit more hospitable than the gruffer tone he’d initially directed towards me.
“An apprentice, good sir. Apprentice Larial to be precise.” Thacea clarified politely, using what I could only describe as this flighty, chirpy, almost haughty tone of voice that was an exaggerated version of the cadence she used during our first interactions together.
“Hmm…” The hooded figure replied with a concerned grumble. “I was going to waive this particular matter, allowing the fair lady-” He paused, before making a point to stare at both me and Thalmin. “-and her two knights to pass on through, under the points of exceptional circumstances.” He continued in a less restrained, more flighty cadence. “However, you must excuse my inability to do so, my lady. My hands are currently tied via the powers that be, and I simply cannot grant your request.” The man began weaving a string of apologetics, giving Thacea a genuine and polite bow in response. “I must apologize for this discrepancy in expectant decorum.”
This didn’t make things any better for our circumstances though.
And it was clear Thacea understood this as she continued pressing forward.
“May I have your name and title, my good sir?” Thacea chirped lightly.
“Appointed-Deputy Magistrate Sir Arlan Ostoy, Senior Apprentice of the Transgracian Academy for the Magical Arts. May I have the honor and the privilege of requesting your name, my fair lady?”
“Princess Thacea Dilani, of the Aetheronrealm, First Year and Scholastic Peer of the Transgracian Academy for the Magical Arts.” Thacea replied with a full bow, and a half-curtsy of her own.
“A pleasure to make your acquaintance.” The shadowy figure bowed yet again.
“The pleasure is all mine, Sir-Magistrate.” Followed by yet another bow by Thacea.
There was some serious song and dance going on here, and one that I was observing with bated breath.
“Might I inquire further as to the particular reasoning behind this unfortunate and unseemly inability to respect the rights of expectant decorum?” Thacea quickly shot back.
“As I have alluded to, your highness, the powers that be prevent me from furthering the natural solution to your particular grievances. If this were any other instance in time, at any other location or place, I am sure this matter would have been resolved in an expedient and timely fashion. This situation, as you have alluded to yourself, results from a very particular set of unforeseen circumstances. Circumstances which currently dictate my actions in a manner which just so happens to be in conflict with your points of personal privilege, your highness.” The man’s posture, the way he stood, even the way he talked seemed very particular when addressing Thacea.
It was at that point that something changed. I didn’t know what, and I wasn’t sure why, but Thacea seemed to be shifting towards a tactical retreat, as she clacked her beak several times before addressing the both of us. “This is absolutely preposterous, I will need a moment to clear my mind but when I do return…” Thacea turned towards the magistrate/guard/apprentice person yet again. “There will be words exchanged.”
At Thacea’s prompting, we all left the room, but not before slamming the door behind us shut in a similar manner to Ilunor’s drama-filled exits.
We continued walking away from the medical wing at a steady pace, until another privacy screen was suddenly brought up.
ALERT: LOCALIZED SURGE OF MANA-RADIATION DETECTED, 275% ABOVE BACKGROUND RADIATION LEVELS
“I have a plan.” Thacea began. “And this is entirely relying on you two having the physical prowess to back up your military backgrounds.” She continued ominously.
“Oh princess, you sully the Havenbrock name if you believe my mercenary heritage is in any way, shape, or form a mere decorative mantlepiece.” Thalmin responded with a sarcastic, yet excitable tone.
“I assure you, Thacea, I think my training has almost every eventuality accounted for.” I added with an affirmative nod.
“So what’s the plan?” Thalmin barked out excitedly as we stopped right in the middle of this long, wide hallway connecting the main castle with the medical wing. Thacea was quick to answer this question by wordlessly gesturing to a lone door on the right side of the hallway.
Windows lining either side of the hallway made it clear that this entire structure was just an elevated bridge connecting the main castle to an entirely separate compound.
This made the presence of a door smack-dab in the middle of its length sort of bizarre.
Upon entering it though, we were treated to an open-air rooftop terrace with a few seats and benches. The whole outcropping gave us an unparalleled view of the roaring waterfall beneath the Academy, and a direct line of sight to the medical wing and its five distinct towers.
The princess continued walking silently as we reached the edge of the terrace’s balcony, overlooking the sheer cliff face at a height that more or less put me in mind of your typical open-air rooftops on your typical Acela Corridor skyscraper.
“I’ve observed that the medical wing seems to consist of a large tower-atrium, with several more towers connected to it via additional corridors. Similar to spokes on a wheel. As you can see from this vantage point, it seems as if most rooms have private balconies. If we cannot make our way to the apprentice via conventional channels, then I plan to reach her via more unconventional means.” Thacea turned towards me with a hardened look in her gaze. “Emma, is your… insect artifice ready for use?”
My eyes widened at that, as I nodded affirmatively. “Just for the record, we call it a drone.” I quickly corrected Thacea. “But, yes, I can designate individuals and targets for it to track down or follow. However, I can’t just have it poking around in every room since there’s no guarantee that the drone will be able to get a lock on them. There’s too many variables involved that would get in the way of the drone actually being able to zero in on a person’s face. From the beds facing the right way, to bandages possibly covering up her face, to-”
“I don’t want your artifice to observe every balcony and window, Emma. That will most certainly take too much time, and as you’ve stated, there’s no guarantee of actually identifying a face considering the multitudes of factors involved.” Thacea interjected. “What I plan to do is to return to the Deputy-Magistrate, and to attempt to reach a compromise that he will abide by. I plan for him to take us, or rather, your drone straight to the apprentice.”
“And how will you accomplish this?” Thalmin whined,his head tilted in curiosity.
“I will draft a letter, addressed directly to the apprentice, and request that it be taken straight to her room. This way, the Deputy-Magistrate will in a sense be able to accomplish his obligations to the Expectant Decorum, and in doing so he will lead your insec-, drone, straight to the apprentice’s room.”
I stared at Thacea with wide eyes, as her back and forths with the deputy-magistrate began taking on a completely different meaning in this new light.
“That way, we can find out exactly which room the apprentice is in.” I replied bluntly.
“Correct. However, from there, I cannot say my plans are in any way foolproof.” Thacea replied with a sullen coo.
“Well go on, princess, it sounds pretty good so far!” Thalmin urged.
“Ascertaining the apprentice’s room is only half of the stated objective. Actually getting there is another matter entirely. Because depending on where the apprentice is located… my idea for the latter half of this quest involves you two scaling your way towards her room.” The princess spoke with an immense level of trepidation. “On the exterior aspect of the castle, if that needed to be said.”
My heart skipped a beat as the princess laid out her plans. I looked across the absurdly spindly hallway-bridge that this little terrace was somehow attached to, and towards the five towers that made up the medical wing.
Thalmin did the same, although his face seemed to indicate that he was at the very least, considering the plan at least somewhat seriously.
“Alright.” I muttered out loud, instinctively trying to place a palm on my forehead, only for the glove to bonk straight off. “I have several ideas. First, we might be able to do this remotely. I’m thinking once we find out which room she’s in, we fly in a larger drone, one carrying with it a deployable holographic projector or some other two-way communications device so that we can talk to her remotely.” As soon as I spoke that idea out loud however, things started to fall apart. “But because of how thick the walls are, and considering the distance between the tower and our dorm, I might have to deploy repeaters in order to daisy-chain the connection all the way back to the dorms. I mean, we can’t just set up shop out here in the open after all. At which point we’d have a continuous chain of signal-repeater drones flying all across the Academy… which wouldn’t be ideal. No, scratch that, that won’t work.”
The pair stared at me with varying degrees of confusion, but seemed to have collectively decided to ignore the idea after I’d scrapped it.
“I say we just climb it!” Thalmin yelped out, but not before another idea hit me. One that could work, but that required me consulting Thacea first.
“I mean, we could, but…” I turned to face Thacea. “What’s the Academy’s policy on noise? Or rather, do you think we could get away with something really really loud, buzzing outside of the towers?”
Thacea once more stared at me with a look of just utter confusion, but shrugged it off and went with it anyways. “I would highly recommend against generating too much noise for this particular quest, Emma. It would most certainly garner a lot of unwanted attention.” Thacea spoke plain and simple.
I couldn’t help but to groan internally in frustration at that.
That makes flying over there a no-go… it would’ve made things so much easier though…
“Alright, well, that more or less places us in a very awkward situation with not a lot of options available to us, huh?” I thought to myself outloud again, as I craned my head over to an excitable Thalmin.
“I guess I have to climb on over.” I stated in no uncertain terms.
“Wait, I?!” Thalmin responded with a shocked and incredulous bark. “There’s no way I’m allowing you to climb over there yourself without assistance or-”
“Thalmin, there’s no need for you to climb on over with me.” I interjected. “This whole mission is hedged on me talking to the apprentice one-on-one. Remember the gardens? The apprentice wouldn’t allow you anywhere near us when we started talking. It’d be a waste of time, energy, and more importantly… a huge risk to your safety. I don’t want to risk your life needlessly, Thalmin. Not especially for a fight that isn’t your own.”
“Well you’re part of our peer group, so it’s my fight as well.” Thalmin replied with a dejected growl, but eventually relented. “But you’re right, Emma. I hate to admit it, but you’re right.”
I nodded at Thalmin’s slowly. “Besides, there’s an important job I need you to do.” I began scrounging through one of my pouches, and began palming for my spare in-ear earpieces. “I need you on lookout, to keep me aware of anything fishy developing in case I need to pull out.”
Thalmin looked over the side of the terrace, towards the raging waters beneath this side of the Academy as he let out a sigh. “That shouldn’t be too hard. Hardly anyone will be passing by this terrace, and beyond that there’s no way anyone can spot you from below, given there’s nothing but the cascading rapids below us. There’s no one that can spot you from here, save for perhaps the foxes in the library. We’re most certainly on the right side of the Academy for this quest, that’s for certain.” Thalmin pointed at the library in the far distance.
“Oh, I’m not too worried about anyone seeing me. I’m more concerned about someone compromising my extraction point, i.e. this little terrace here.” I acknowledged.
“But, surely you must be worried about someone seeing you scaling the walls…” Thalmin scanned me up and down, as if wanting to comment about my size but- “You’re massive.”
“Okay, first off, rude.” I spoke sarcastically, and raised both hands up for added effect. “But in all seriousness, I have another device that can mask my visual presence.” I pulled out a plastic-like poncho from one of my pouches, activating it, and revealing its active-camo properties as it projected whatever was behind it, albeit with some imperfections. “It isn’t perfect, but from afar it should actually work pretty well.”
Both Thalmin and Thacea stared at each other in utter shock as they saw this.
“A mana-less-”
“I think… this is a matter worth discussing another time, Princess.” Thalmin interjected with a polite exasperated breath. “But I expect a good explanation for this one, Emma.” Thalmin pointed a finger right at me.
“In any case, I will be diverting the Deputy-Magistrate’s attention by preoccupying him with needless and vapid chatter. This should take attention away from the apprentice and your intrusion, Emma.” Thacea quickly added, and promptly tied this whole impromptu operation up nicely.
“Alright, let’s get this show on the road then. We’ll head back to the dorms and get that letter drafted so-”
“Already done.” Thacea interjected, bringing up a parchment that she promptly began sealing into an envelope.
“Wait, when did you-”
“Whilst we were talking, I used a dictation spell. The letter is written and signed.” Thacea spoke nonchalantly, as she held a neatly sealed envelope in one of her talons.
“Wait, what, when did you, how did you-?”
“I carry a quill and extra parchment in my bag of holding. This is to account for any eventuality where a statement in writing, a legal affidavit, or a notarized letter may be required.” Thacea responded a-matter-of-factly.
“Alright then.” I tapped the pouch with the INFIL-DRONE, the small little thing peeking its head out much to the visible disgust of the pair. “So we’re ready for phase one of the operation. Misdirection and information gathering. We’ll go in, drop the letter, and have the drone do its thing. After that, we wait for the drone to return, and we’ll take it from there on whether or not we can continue with Phase Two: penetrating the enemy lines.”
“What would be stopping us from continuing with phase two?” Thalmin quickly asked.
“Well, simple. If the apprentice is still conked out from her injuries, there wouldn’t be any point in attempting to meet her. So hopefully, she’s going to be in a good enough state to talk to. We’ll know when we get the drone footage back.”
“Fair point.” Thalmin nodded.
“So, is everyone ready to begin?” Thacea asked.
A series of affirmative nods later, we began our quick walk back over to the atrium.

The Transgracian Academy for the Magical Arts, Extraction Point Alpha (Open Air Terrace Overlooking the Medical Wing). Local Time: 1420 Hours.
That took way more time than I’d initially thought.
In fact, it took so long that I was beginning to wonder how two people could have an unending conversation where nothing of value was spoken and nothing of value was gained.
It was basically elevator small talk, but written by the same writers who wrote Bridgerwesson Lane, and adapted to a theatrical release with a trilogy that ended with a movie arbitrarily cut up into a two-parter.
I honestly zoned out for a few moments during those hours, as I decided to use the spare time to review the grappling hook and mountaineering gear I’d be using on this little quest.
Eventually however, the Deputy-Magistrate relented, at which point I let loose the INFIL-DRONE to do its thing.
It’d been twenty minutes since we left and made our way back to this open-air terrace, and all of us were waiting with bated breath for the results the drone had in store.
“So, how fast can that drone of yours fly anyways Emma-”
Thalmin was immediately cut off as the drone in question buzzed right by his ears, causing them to flick this way and that, before flattening out entirely.
“Speak of him and he will come.” I chuckled, as I outstretched a gloved hand over for the little drone to perch atop of.
Once again, the pair stared at it with a look of mild disgust, and then panic as it crawled all the way back into its docking port, and began uploading the data we needed.
“Alright, let’s see what we have here.” I spoke to no one in particular before shifting my attention to the EVI. “EVI, isolate and replay relevant footage, and calculate the target’s location.”
“Acknowledged, parsing…”
“Location Parsing. Footage isolated. Play Footage?”
“Affirmative.”
I immediately pulled out my data-tab for the gang to be able to watch as well, as the footage began just as the Deputy-Magistrate, and by extension the drone, arrived at the apprentice’s room.
The door, and all details posted in the front were all captured, and so too was the state of the apprentice revealed to us in short order as I braced myself for a mangled and bandaged-up mass of broken bones.
What I instead saw, was… still a heavily bandaged up figure. However, the most important thing was that they were awake.
And what was remarkable, was the fact that they were able to move without assistance. As the apprentice reached over to receive the letter wordlessly, shifting a bit in bed as she did so.
“This is a letter addressed from a Princess Thacea Dilani of the Aetheronrealm. I have fulfilled my duties and obligations as per the Expectant Decorum. I will now take my leave, Apprentice Larial.” The deputy-magistrate spoke with the same air of overbearing properness, seriously making me consider whether or not this was how he was all the time.
Whatever the case may be, the apprentice seemed to be healed enough to move her arms at the very least, as she grabbed the letter and spoke hoarsely back in response. “Thank you Senior Apprentice.”
There wasn’t much to the footage beyond those interactions, but it was good enough for the purposes of this mission.
“Alright.” I spoke, as I pocketed the tablet. “We have our answer. The apprentice seems healed up enough to speak to, so phase two of this operation is a-go.”
The pair nodded in response, just in time for the EVI to be done with whatever calculations were needed to determine the apprentice’s precise location.
I turned to the tower, as the room and its balcony was highlighted.
It was just about five stories above from where we were.
Meaning it’d be a hell of a climb.
“The room’s about five floors up.” I announced with a sigh.
“Are you sure you can make that journey, Emma?” Thacea responded worryingly. “I… I will be honest, Emma, I am having some second doubts about this whole idea. The concept just came to me as flying between tall structures and towers is just second nature to us Aetheronrealmers. Considering the heights involved, and your inability to fly, I’m wondering if this whole quest was a folly of my own shortsighted-”
“It’s fine, Thacea.” I cut the avinor off. “I can do this, trust me.” I placed a single hand on the princess’ shoulder, and squeezed it once for effect.
Meanwhile, the EVI began doing what it did best: attempting to minimize the risk associated with my hairbrained schemes, as it deployed the suit’s primary lookout drone in order to start mapping out the best possible route forward.
This spooked the pair yet again, as they both jolted backwards.
Thankfully, the drone was deathly silent, so it shouldn’t bring too much attention to it.
It was at this point that I brought out a pair of earpieces I was scrounging my pouches for earlier, one for Thacea, and another for Thalmin.
“These will help you stay in contact with me throughout the climb.” I stated plainly, as I attempted to latch it onto my own ear for demonstrative purposes, only to realize that I could not, given the suit was in the way.
I sighed, as I turned towards Thalmin. “Do you mind if I put it on for you?” I asked sheepishly.
“Erm, what is it, Emma?”
“It’s…” I paused, as I attempted to find the best way to describe this without taking up too much time. “It’s a communication artifice, Thalmin. It’ll allow us to talk to each other remotely, relying on that drone there-” I pointed at the lookout drone still flying away from us. “-to relay our voices to each other.”
Thalmin, as expected, looked at me with an expression of partial dumbfoundedness whilst Thacea seemed completely transfixed by the earpieces I held in my hands.
“So it’s like a hearing-sense?” Thalmin responded with a questioning bark.
“Look, I’ll just demonstrate.” I managed out with a sigh as Thalmin reluctantly nodded and allowed me to begin hooking in the earpiece, looping it around his fluffy triangular ears.
This inevitably resulted in my hand brushing over the lupinor’s fluffy head a few times, which seemed to elicit some large tail-wags and a dulcet rumble.
I tried to ignore that, as I pulled back and began demonstrating. “I’ve turned off my speakers, can you still hear me, Thalmin?”
“Yes, I can.” The lupinor spoke after clearing his throat.
I turned my speakers back on immediately after. “Alright, I’ll get into the specifics of how it works later, but as for now, just know that I can hear whatever you say.”
“I’m afraid I don’t think that artifice will be compatible with my… anatomy, Emma.” Thacea spoke calmly, as she pointed at several aspects of the earpiece that required an actual ear canal to fit into, and an earlobe to loop around.
“This complicates things a bit, but it shouldn’t be too difficult. How long do you think you can keep up the distracting conversation with the deputy-magistrate for, Thacea?”
“We just went through several hours discussing nothing in particular, I can most certainly continue that trend from dusk till dawn.” The avinor spoke confidently, and frankly, rather proudly. “The issue lies not in how long I can manage to maintain the conversation, but in how long it will take you to accomplish this quest, Emma.” Thacea shot back.
“An hour.” I nodded confidently. “Twenty minutes to scoot my way over there, twenty to talk to the apprentice, and twenty to get back.”
“I’ll make that two hours then.” Thacea responded without a second thought. “We need to account for potential complications, and an extra hour of senseless dialogue will most certainly not be an issue for me.”
With an affirmative nod from me, and an approving glance from Thalmin, I now turned towards the exterior of the two hundred foot corridor leading to the concourse, and the extra five hundred feet it would take to get from the atrium to the tower in question.
It was at that last minute that the EVI brought out another suggestion, one that was formulated with the aid of the new datasets provided by the FEBNPMS lookout drone that had been busy mapping out the best route forward.
It was… an inherently riskier approach, one that my aunt would definitely not approve of, but it definitely beat scaling a wall and wedging spikes into it.
“Actually… I have a better idea than simply scaling the walls.”

The Transgracian Academy for the Magical Arts, En Route to Medical Wing Tower C, Room 705. Local Time: 1430 Hours.
“Grapple secure.”
I will never forget the feeling of falling.
The very wrong feeling that came with leaping off of solid ground into empty sky, of suddenly seeing and feeling the world whizzing by me.
It was a visceral feeling, a gut-churning sensation, dominated by an overbearing sense of impending doom that takes over your terrestrial brain that wasn’t designed to feel the ‘freeing’ sensation of being unbound to the ground beneath you.
Leaping over from the edge of the terrace was the worst part of it. But after that tentative jump, things started to become just a little bit easier.
The Academy’s proclivity for over-aggrandized architectural design would finally serve a purpose beyond just decorative aesthetics.
Because it was clear that the walls weren’t really designed to ward off anyone daring to scale them. As there existed several, if not hundreds of these little greebles and outcroppings that served no purpose but to act as decorative pieces on the side of the castle. Some held stone flowers, whilst others had lamps or other light pieces of varying designs.
No matter what they were, or what meaning they held, all were equal and valid targets in the eyes of my grappling hook.
As I dangled there from the first outcropping, held in place by a single high-tensile cable, I looked up to see Thalmin looming over the edge “EMMA?!” I heard him shout in a panic. It was clear that he was unable to see anything, as my light-refraction cloak was currently doing its job well.
“I’m still here, Thalmin. You can’t see me but I’m dangling from this weird outcropping that looks like an overinflated vase.”
“NEXT TIME, BE SURE TO INFORM ME AS TO THE NATURE OF YOUR IMPOSSIBLE ARTIFICES BEFORE USE, UNDERSTOOD?!”
“Of course. You’ll know if I’ve fallen if you hear a long scream followed by a large splat.”
“That’s not funny!”
I chuckled nervously in response, before turning to face the grueling, gut-churning journey ahead of me. “Humor’s my way of dealing with stress, and trust me, I have a lot of stress to work through right about now.”
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(Author’s Note: Hey guys! Time for some unconventional solutions courtesy of Emma and the gang! We're going to meet the apprentice one way or another! I hope you guys enjoy! :D The next Chapter is already up on Patreon if you guys are interested in getting early access to future chapters!)
[If you guys want to help support me and these stories, here's my ko-fi ! And my Patreon for early chapter releases (Chapter 34 of this story is already out on there!)]

It seems like after the last couple of years I and others have been skipping their dental checkups (albeit for good reason), but a gentle reminder that it is possible to get a nonvisible cavity, chip, or infection in a tooth. This can cause fatigue, headache, non-specific neck pain, and many other issues.
Both my neighbor and I just experienced this. I had a cavity under a filling after not going to a dentist since Fall of 2019. Had that fixed last month and now sleep better than I have in ages. I mentioned this to her and she went only to find she had a cracked tooth under her crown. One week of antibiotics and a fixed tooth later and she has the energy back she's been missing all year.
I know not everyone has the same access to care, but for many folks a checkup is at least free or very low cost. Invest in yourself if only to sleep better. I cannot overstate the relief it brought. And I never knew I had a toothache, it was just an abstract sense 'something' felt wrong, 'something' was painful.

Notes: We are both 16
I know the title sounds bad, I completely get it. You would never want to call someone overly dramatic when they experience emotions. This is just tiring, she is constantly arguing with me over trivial things (I constantly agree of if you feel something thats enough to make it real). She got mad at me for asking her “are you gonna watch the Spiderman movie with julie (fake name). Her response was “Im hanging up” proceeds to go on a rant about how she hates being correlated with her friends and how she feels like im always relating them to her and I did ask her before but she has done things like go with her friends before when I’ve asked first. After that I sit there and validate every single feeling and its like 11:30 at night and i got home at 10 ish and argued at 10:20 I came home from a 9 hour shift as well so i was tired. After all of that me sitting there and just telling her she is right and i was being stupid she calls me and i tell her im sleepy and im gonna sleep so she hangs up on me very petty and i call her back and i just like in a really stern and aggressive voice i told her like “Why did you hang up? I always sit there and validate how you feel and you get upset that im tired after working all day?” She stayed quiet the whole time, I even like said hello and she just stayed quiet so I hang up. After i text her like why do you just stay quiet after all of that and she just says “im sorry” like 8 times and she spams calls me but at this point I just want to sleep. I answer her call, i ask her like why did she not respond and she says “i couldnt move, i just couldnt say anything to you, i was scared” I respond with “are you okay? like do you feel like i abuse you i feel as someone would only have this reaction if they were being abused” (In my head i literally am like what the hell I dont even yell at this girl let alone even touch her) she says “you were just being so mean and aggressive, so i just was so scared” what i do after that is talk to her in a more callming voice and im like “I dont yell at you yet its almost like you attribute me to being abusive, i dont call you names and i sit here all the time and listen to your feelings and just validate them” she just stays quiet and like she just starts bawling and crying a lot and i just im just lost at this point like its gotten nowhere and its already like 1 in the morning at this point and after she just like im sorry and im tired and like i love you goodnight i get pissed after this like said a petty comment and i shouldnt have said it but i said “all i wanted was to talk to you and look where we are” and she like starts bawling again and im just like im sorry and we go to sleep fast forward to like right now she is still upset we havent talk all morning and she is just like “im tired, my heart hurts, being in a call with you hurts me more” I ask is it about yesterday and she says yes and i go and say “ Oh if you would like to be alone i understand , you dont have to be in the call, im sorry if im bothering you at all” she says after this “idk what to do anymore, it hurts sm, like why can you love me but make me feel so horrible” I said “Im sorry i make you feel that way, i dont intend to make you feel that way at all, its okay to still be bothered by yesterday, there isn’t much to do, we talked about it and came up with the solution and talked about what we could do better, its just a matter of us moving on from the situation.” She just says after that “yea, do you want to watch a show” Like im just so confused like im horrible a person one second and she just wants to watch a show with me now?? please i need advice i really love this girl.
Edit She just sent me this “i just cant. i cant be with your presence and trying to be okay when im not okay at all. i cant ignore how i feel when im with you and its unfair to you so its better if im just alone. we didnt come up with solutions you did. what solutions. you are right half my problems are not real and last night was dumb, i just needed to be alone. i regret talking about how i feel with you and feeling that way cuz you just get annoyed. Like i dont feel safe when you get aggravated that way like i already been telling you how i feel that way and my anxiety. like i just want to be heared and i dont expect you to do that because you are human and have your own thoughts. i dont even feel human around you because it feel like your so mean to me. but it doesnt even matter. And i did acknowledge you trying. I dont know what to do i feel like shit rn like i wanted to die last night. snd we wake up feeling worse. like i understand how you got annoyed when i didnt reply to you when u called out my name like what else can i say i was hurt i couldnt talk like you dont understand how it felt. i was so helpless and scared. like why do you say you love me but your so mean and dont treat me oike a princess. i’m not even mad i just remember how i felt and it hurt so much. like this is all i have to say and i dont want you to reply like sorry if this is repetitive and makes no sense i’m just promising to protect myself and not cause myself to feel this way ever again” I dont understand this at all., she is saying all these things and i just dont know what to do like i want to hear her out but like i mjsut like i dotn know what to do “hopeless and scared” like idk thats just so foreign to me, i grew up in a really physical household and this to me is somethign i think only people with domestic violence..i dont even yell at her i just want to get better for her and me i just dont know where to draw the line i havent replied to her but she also said this
“my heart just feels broken and this may be over exaggerating thats just how i feel i think its cuz i put every ounce of trust with you and thats so unfair, and i apologize for everythjng”

I do not know why I am being like this. It's been a year. I should be good like everyone said. I should have healed. I should be able to entertain a thought of a new person.
I can not do this anymore. I don't want to live like this. I tried to kill myself last night. Thought of ruining your hajj like this dad. I could not do it. You hate me already for ruining your reputation. I was a good kid! It was one mistake just trusting one wrong person. I regret the day when i listened to my guy friends to go ahead and approach that selfish and heartless person. How was I suppose to know some boys don't become men ever. They'll always need a wali themselves. I cannot spend time in my own house without being reminded of him sitting there. I was happiest. How can one treat someone who loves them, respects them and would mold their world for them just so they could find the comfort they are looking for. I was just a body to lust afterall
I cannot even complain to Allah to punish you for this pain im in. I cannot undo all the countless prayers i did for your comfort and peace. I wish i could tell you and make you understand that i am in mental and physical pain. While you are living your life like nothing happened. You married someone within months. You decided to marry someone while you were in touch with me. You kept me on hook while you are married. Some part of me thought you wouldn't turn out be such a spinless person. You would come back to me. All those fake words of values, culture and integrity. You have non. You are exactly the guy you use to look down on.You are worse than the guys you judged. They did those things to someone in that bullshit. I should have never left the house just cause i was scared you cause a scene standing outside my house like that. You made me the women who I would never respect. There was suppose to be only one guy for life. You corrupted me for your fun. Fuck I do it myself just to get you back. How low can I fall. I hate myself. I hate how I look. Want to burn this face and body that made you wanted to use me and just let go. I want to die and never be found by my family. I have my parents on verge of divorce cause i fucked their family life up. I never wanted this to be public. Why didnt you listen dad? You'll never get to read this. But i'm sorry. It was one mistake. I did everything right! Everything that you approve of. Be proud of. I never wanted to cause you this pain. Mom didn't cause this. I never should have done this.
I wish i could just say this to someone. All those friends. Not a single one I could talk to. I don't like it when someone else calls him names. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME........

So this senior guy I recently adopted was surrendered by his previous owners with moderate-severe dental disease and a nasty ear infection. On top of that, he doesnt seem to have been socialised at all.
He’s the first reactive dog I’ve handled, and while I’m able to get him away from other dogs when he is reacting to them, it just made me really sad to see him like that because he seems so scared and confused about the other dog. He doesn’t bark or lunge- rather if a dog is very close by (across the street is his threshold for this) he’ll want to charge up to the other dog and he just stands and stares at it, his body language causing the other dog to bark and try and get to him. He gets in a total trance when he sees another dog, if it’s further away he fixates on it out of feauncertainty. Hes veryyyy food motivated and he doesn’t care for looking at food or smelling it when this happens.
I will be engaging a professional trainer in the near future, but while I’m fine crossing the road and distracting him when another dog is coming- it’s hard to see him struggle so much and I wish he was able to pay them little-no mind.

“Hey Raz, I got one!” Raz’s voice was cut by static as he called back, “Great! …at quarry …die.” Well, that wasn’t ominous at all, I thought to myself as I adjusted the rear-view mirror to check on the operator I had just blown past. They were doubled over coughing, their gas mask swayed side to side on the ground next to their feet. I don’t know what compelled me to not flatten what I had thought to be an AQ soldier, but I’m glad I didn’t.
I slammed my hummer in reverse, coming to a stop next to the helpless operator. “Hop in bud, we can get you to final exfill yet.” He slowly hauled himself into the bed of my hummer, landing with a dull thud and a groan as he fell onto his back. We cleared the gas, and I was immediately put on edge as my passenger started to gain consciousness. If he was planning anything nefarious, there wasn’t much I could do about it now. “You good back there? Normally I’d stop to send an invite but given the situation that might have just caused more problems.” He leaned through the non-existent rear window, “Nah, I understand man. When we get further from the gas we can stop and squad up. Don’t need to risk lighting each other up if things get hot at the exfill.” I couldn’t help but chuckle, “I don’t think that would be much of an issue regardless. Hey, we didn’t leave any of your friends back there, did we? I know we peeled out pretty quick.” I saw him shake his head and point to our left in the rear-view mirror. “We got split up, but they were running for a car, so I wasn’t too worried.” I followed his finger, a white hatchback cruised along parallel to us, swerving through buildings trying not to eat too many AQ bullets. “Hey boys, Dutch here is gonna roll with us to final. We’ll squad up when we get there.” I was barely able to make out one of his squad mates call out “Tight!” over his earpiece.
“Hey, listen, I’ve got friend I’m rolling with. His name’s Raz, he’s gonna meet us at final. If you see a red, white, and blue LTV, don’t shoot alright.” Raz chimed in, his radio finally clear of the static, “That’s very kind of you to tell them not to shoot me Dutch.” Before I could respond, a black turreted LTV slid out of Said City ahead of us. “Is that your boy Dutch?” I wanted to give my passenger the benefit of the doubt, it is windy in the box after all, he might not have heard me. “Nah man, wrong colour, and he didn’t have a turreted LTV last I saw.” The black LTV continued North along the main road as we cut away into the quarry proper. “Raz, company is headed your way. Looks like it’s just a solo in that truck but you can never be too careful.” “Thanks for the heads up Dutch.”
I rolled to a stop at the base of the helicopter ramp, gently flattening a couple of AQ who were getting a little to close to the bird for comfort, just shy of the battery running dry. The other two operators in the hatchback slid to a stop just down the hill from us. I got out of the hummer, a tad worried that my good fortune was about to come to an end at the hands of these fellas. As they ran up the hill, the notification finally popped. I accepted and ran down the hill to grab the hatchback, breathing a sigh of relief. “Wait, where you goin’ Dutch?” One of my clients called out. “Raz and I will run interference while we wait for the chopper to take off. Any AQ or unfriendly operators are gonna have to go through us.” “You keep talking about this Raz guy, but I’ve yet to see anyone other than that black LTV.” Almost on queue, a black LTV flew up the hill narrowly missing my hatchback. My clients went into a frenzy. “Operators pushing us! Take ‘em down!” The LTV spun in the sand in front of me, a glorious and perfectly oiled moustache glinting in the Al Mazrah sun. “Hold your fire! It’s Raz!” I called from below my clients. I sent an invite to him which he had hopped out and accepted faster than any of these guys could pull the trigger. “You see the operator that was in that earlier?” Raz shook his head, “No, I pulled up on it and they were gone. Must be out on foot somewhere.”
With 5 seconds left on the clock, there wasn’t enough time to go find them, our clients now panicking as they realized we weren’t on the bird. “What are you two doing?!” They shouted from the air as we waved goodbye. “Al Mazrah is our home gentlemen. That bird was never meant for us.” I gave Raz a pat on the shoulder as the gas rapidly approached, another successful day had come to a close.
The clack of a Kastov charging handle was almost unmistakable. We both turned to see the operator from the LTV standing there, rifle honed on us. “Well shit.” Their rifle dropped towards the dirt as they looked back over their shoulder at the nearly out of sight exfill chopper. They pushed through us, wandering towards the North side of the quarry. Raz and I locked eyes, shrugging in unison. That was one of those moments where we really wouldn’t have blamed them for their decision, whatever it might have been. “We better get back to HQ, Compton said I.T dropped off something for you.” Raz said as the gas engulfed us.
“I’m going back to the island boss.” My hands were shaking as I gripped the file folder that I.T had left for me. “Twitch.” “He’s back, it took him a bit, but he’s managed to re-take the castle and hunker down since we last saw him. And if he’s back then we might finally be able to get some proper intel on those blue tracers, direct from the source.” I handed the folder to Raz. He took it, turning to no doubt address the rest of the crew. I grabbed his shoulder, stopping him before he could speak. “Not everybody, not this time. They’ve doubled the defences; we’d be walking into a slaughterhouse.” “Well, you can’t go in there alone, we look out for our own Dutch, you know that.” Raz’s brow tightened, I could tell he was already trying to figure out what my plan was. “I’m bringing Maze and Alex. They’ll provide sniper cover while I infiltrate the castle. I still have my old uniform. As long as they haven’t drastically changed up their callsigns, I should be able to get in undetected.” I could tell Raz wasn’t convinced. “Dutch, like you said, you’d be walking into a slaughterhouse. How does you going in solo make that any better.” “After what happened in the complex…I’m not putting anyone else at risk, I can’t. The Bomb Maker…Twitch, I’ve gotta face him myself. Look him in the eyes so he knows I crawled out of Hell to drag him back down there.” “Alright, I couldn’t really stop you if I wanted to, could I?” Raz shrugged. “No, not unless you shot me, and honestly, I’d take those odds.” I punched his shoulder and started heading for the breakroom to grab Maze and Alex. “You keep that up I’ll be moving you back out to that sea can of yours.” Raz smirked.
The locks took a bit of fighting to get open. While this footlocker had only been on Ashika Island for a few months, the constant spray of salt water had worn away what little integrity it once had. The black uniform, emblazoned with the Rook and Spade of Shadow Company, was still in excellent condition, save for a bullet hole just under where the plate carrier would sit. I paused for a moment, holding it up in the air, memories of the past flooding in. “Not a lot of fond memories in that uniform I take it.” Maze called out from the catwalk in our home away from home. “I think part of the problem is that there are good memories. It’s a little concerning that such fond memories can hide out amongst so much evil.” “We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. Some of us just did things other people also wouldn’t be proud of either.” Alex chuckled to himself as he cleaned his rifle on the cot next to me. I grimaced, mostly because he was right. I slipped into the old black fatigues and strapped on my old plate carrier. My weapons were all still intact too, I pulled my Taq-56 out of the footlocker, running my fingers over the engraving in the side, ROOK-XLIV. I cycled the charging handle a few times before loading in a fresh magazine and setting it on the cot next to me. I pulled out a pistol belt, two pearl handled revolvers, one with an ebony Rook on the grip, the other, an ebony Spade. Umbra Catavae engraved along each barrel. Maze had come down from the rafters now, a look of mixed intrigue and concern on her face, “I take it those don’t invoke fond memories.” I had done a poor job of hiding my look of disgust. “No, unfortunately they do.” I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. “Each of these was given to me for completing outstanding performance in the field. I did things I’m not proud of, and I was rewarded for it, handsomely. Holding these in my hands, I feel the same pride I had felt when they were first handed to me. It makes me sick.” I strapped the belt around my waist. The pearl handles shining against my all black silhouette. Alex piped up again, “Hey, at least you are trying to make amends for your sins, not many can say the same.” I let out a long sigh, “I suppose you’re right. You both remember the plan?” “Get to the radio towers and start lighting the place up when shit inevitably hits the fan.” Maze grinned. “Close enough.” I pulled my balaclava up and headed for the door.
The guard at the gate didn’t immediately shoot me which gave me some spark of hope that this might work. “In position!” Alex and Maze called out almost simultaneously. “Jinx, you owe me a beer!” Maze rejoiced. “What? Why would I give you a beer for that?” Alex sounded genuinely confused. “Hey, cut the chatter you two, don’t need to give them any reason to not let me in alright.” The guard held up his hand. “I don’t recognize you, let’s see your I.D.” I held up my old I.D card. “Well I’ll be damned, look who crawled out if his grave.” He pulled my mask down to confirm. “You look pretty good for a corpse, though your I.D card is out of regulation. You might want to stop by the I.T guy to get a new one made.” “Thanks, I’ll head right over.” The first thought that came to my mind was Bob. There’s no way he still worked for these assholes, is there.
“You used your old I.D?! You mad man!” Maze cackled over the radio. “Ok, I’ll admit, this wasn’t my greatest plan. I honestly thought they’d just capture me after seeing who I was.” Alex cut me off, “Go with the flow I suppose.” “Spade-499 up one-two.” The local radio channel began to drown out my squad’s comms. “Rook-3468 down one-one” “This is some odd radio traffic Dutch.” Alex quipped. I watched as a Shadow Company mercenary approached a stairwell, each step primed and ready to pop a leg off whichever unfortunate soul chose to ascend. “Spade-5454 up one-two.” “It’s how they know to deactivate the traps.” I whispered into our secure line. I approached the same stairwell. “Rook-44 up one-two.” I could hear the traps audibly click off. The guard at the to put his hand out as I reached the top step. “Sorry, no ghosts allowed on the second floor.” “Ghost? What…” He bent over laughing. “I’m just messing with you man. They said you died holding off the ULF while Bob and Twitch escaped, going out in a blaze of glory. Clearly, they didn’t have their facts straight. Glad to have you back.” I’m glad I had the balaclava on because I was struggling to hide my confusion. Last I checked I was the scape goat for the largest backstab in Shadow Company history, not a hero. I was never a hero when I worked for them. “I take it you are going to see the boss, call up two-zero, we don’t want people to be just guess on the fly, just in case someone tries to sneak in.” If only he knew.
“We don’t have eyes up there Dutch. Whatever happens, you’re on your own.” I could hear a tinge of worry in Alex’s voice. “Just make sure whoever is in here doesn’t get reinforcements.” “You got it!” Alex and Maze both called out in unison. “Jinx, you owe me another beer.” “There’s free beer at headquarters, why would I owe you a beer for that.” Alex called back clearly still confused. “Radio silence please. I’ve got a rat to kill.” I took a deep breath, pulling my Bryson from its sheath, the chrome exterior brushed over with a dull grey to blend in. “Rook-44 up two-zero.”
“Well, well, well. I was wondering when I’d see you again after our last encounter. Urzikstan and Al Mazrah clearly hadn’t kicked your ass enough so you decided to come crawling back to me for another round.” The traps clicked off. “Come on up, I’ve been looking forward to this.” I slowly ascended, keeping my Bryson trained at the top of the stairs, my eyes scanning each stair for an actual trap. As I crested the stairwell, my eyes were immediately drawn to him. His back turned to me, Trophy Systems whirring and clicking around him. “I missed you Dutch. Well, the old you. The one that would shoot through a hostage just to prove a point, the one that would dangle captives from buildings by their collar until they squawked like a bird, and then still dropped them anyways. I miss the Dutch that smoked Keller because his gas mask worked and yours didn’t when we those crazy Russian’s tried to hit us with mustard gas. I still get a little nauseous when I think about you peeling his face out of there.” “I’ve changed Twitch, I’ve moved past all that. I found a calling that doesn’t require me to be a conniving bastard.” Twitch laughed as he turned around, his hands empty. I kept my Bryson trained on him. “That’s what you think I am huh? I prefer shrewd businessman, but if that’s what helps you sleep at night.” He walked to one of the barred windows. “You really think what you and those taxi driving hooligans are doing matters?” “Clearly it does, or you and the Chemist wouldn’t be working so hard to sabotage us.” I took a few steps towards him. “Well, I suppose it matters to one of us. The Chemist and Raz go way back, but you know that. What I care about is the money, and I get a lot of money for helping that crazy bastard try to wipe out your little band of Merry Men.” “And Women. This guy just loves the sound of his own voice. Can I remove his head already? He’s looking right at me, practically begging me to pull the trigger.” I could hear the contempt in Maze’s voice. Twitch always did love a monologue. “You can still fix your mistakes Twitch. Gives us what info you have on those tracers of yours and I might consider not killing you.” I snarled. “When you went soft Dutch, you lost any respect I might have had for you. We are long past the point where you can intimidate me. Besides, any info I did have, is with the Chemist. He paid a handsome sum to get the formula, and really, it was becoming a logistical nightmare to ship enough of those little blue gems across the sea. Better for everyone to have it made close to the front lines.”
“Spade-101 up two-zero.” Bob’s voice cut through the tension. “Well I’ll be, it looks like we are gonna have a little family reunion.” Bob’s head poked up the stairs, “Hey boss, another server bank has shorted out from the sea air, I told you we should invest in better waterproofing the housings but if you still…” He trailed off as I dropped my Bryson, the sling catching it just before it hit the ground, and drawing my two revolvers. “Oh, hey Dutch. Nice to see you too.” Bob stammered. I cocked the hammer on each one, keeping one trained on each of my old squad mates. “Really Bob? Really! I understand you sticking around the day of the heist. But now? After everything that Shadow Company has done to these countries. To its own people.” Before he could respond, a siren blared over the intercom system. “Defensive positions! Hostile operators have breached the perimeter.” “Dutch you’ve got six operators approaching the castle, I think it’s time to bounce.” Maze was drowned out by her own gun fire, her Signal .50 raining death into the courtyard. “Looks like our time is up here Dutch. Since you clearly don’t have los cojones to pull the trigger, you might as well see yourself out, and let me and my men handle this.”
“Fuck it.” The hammer of the first revolver slammed down, dropping Bob instantly. I turned to face Twitch, his face a mix of surprise and pride. “Maybe I was wrong, the old Dutch still lives.” I charged forward, tackling him through the window and off the roof. Both of us lay on the ground, groaning as the chorus of gunfire roared around us. He dove for one of my pistols, but unfortunately for him, I had managed to hold on to the other, putting a round through his arm just before he could grab the gun. He rolled out of the way of the second round, bringing his one working hand up to the radio on his chest. The explosion from the castle threw both of us across the courtyard, debris raining down around us. I felt like I was reliving one of the worst days of my life all over again. I hauled myself to my feet, Shadow Company mercenaries and operators wandered aimlessly through the ashes. Everyone seemed too disoriented to fight. “I think it’s time to leave Dutch.” “I second that.” Maze and Alex were barely audible over the ringing in my ears. “Regroup at the boat. If I’m not there in 5, go without me.” I never heard a response, even if they tried, they wouldn’t have convinced me to leave, not with him still breathing.
I combed through the smoke and fire, carefully checking every nook and cranny I came across but the slippery rat was nowhere to be seen. “Looks like you 3 aren’t thick as thieves after all, eh Dutch. Poor Alex here was left all alone on the beach, no boat to be seen.” Twitch was sucking in air between words, no doubt kept standing by adrenaline. “You lay a finger on him, and I’ll make you wish you had died in that explosion.” I spat into my mic. “Don’t make me wait too long.”
I limped over a hill towards the beach where we were supposed to regroup. “Alex! Where’s Maze?” I called out as I stumbled down the sand bank. Alex didn’t respond, his head held in a tight headlock by Twitch, my second pistol against his temple. “She abandoned you both, and now I get the pleasure of killing you both after yet another betrayal. When will you learn Dutch. This world is a cruel place. Only the strong survive, clearly Maze knew that.” Twitch cut me off before I could retort. “Save the fight me with honour B.S that I know you are gonna spew.” I’m gonna kill you and your buddy and salvage what little I can of this operation. Then maybe retire to Cuba. I do love a good cigar.” “Adios, pendejo!” Alex brought his arm down, the knife concealed in his hand connecting with Twitch’s thigh. Twitch let out a high-pitched yelp, letting loose a round from the revolver which narrowly grazed Alex’s hair. Alex dove into the sand right as Twitch’s shoulder exploded in a pink mist followed shortly by the unmistakable crack of Maze’s Signal .50. I squinted trying to see where the shot came from, all I caught was the glint from her scope in the sun, the boat hardly visible in the rolling surf.
I limped forward, Bryson in hand, chrome starting to show through the worn grey paint. I kicked the revolver away from Twitch, placing a boot on his chest and the barrel of my Bryson against his forehead. He began to mumble and cry, hardly able to string together an understandable sentence. “Save it, you’re gonna need your energy for what comes next.” Our boat slammed into the shore, Maze hopping off, rifle raised and ready. “Oh shit I actually hit that!” “I’m not gonna lie, I thought you’d actually just bailed.” I laughed as she helped Alex to his feet. “You still go those claymores?” I asked Maze as Twitch continued to writhe in panic under my boot. “You wanted the old Dutch, eh Twitch. Ask and you shall receive.” Maze handed me the claymores, while Alex kept sidearm pointed at Twitch. I planted 4 around him, just far enough away that they wouldn’t go off unless he moved. I drew one of my revolvers, popping the cylinder out and emptying all but one round. I gave the cylinder a spin before flicking it closed. I tossed the revolver at Twitch. “Don’t waste that on me. You’ll only regret it in about an hour.” I took my other revolver, and hurled it towards the sea, the pearl grip glinting in the sun as it spun through the air, disappearing into the crashing waves. “Good riddance.” I sighed, that chapter of my life finally ended. Twitch was silent, his whimpering now just deep, laboured breathing. I turned back before I stepped onto the boat, watching as his hand slowly moved to the pistol in the sand next to him. “Well played Dutch, well played.”

I have a couple piercings, nostril ring, earlobe, and an industrial. I got my industrial done on February of this year, so about 4 months. And so far, it's the only body modification (piercings and tattoos) that i regret. I think it looks great, and it didn't hurt too much originally. But it still hasn't healed, and it's been almost constantly (slightly) infected. Now, obviously I've been taking care of it as best I can. Saline once a day, soap every once in a while. I've even experimented on cleaning it less/more often to try and find the perfect balance for my situation. The products that were given to me by my piercing artists. I also believe that the artists did a great job and the infection isn't their fault, it is one of the most reputable places where I live and they were extremely thorough in explaining the sterilizing proces for the piercings. The issue is that this piercing just takes too long to heal, it is difficult to maintain, and my body just tends to take a little extra than the average person to heal anyway (as I've come to find out through my other piercings and tattoos). Plus it's just impossible to not accidentally touch it or hit it when I sleep, use headphones, dry my hair, or just throughout my day to day. All of this to say, I've come to terms that this industrial just might not be for me. I would like to ask your advice on how to remove it. I just want it out and let my ear heal and never pierce that ear again on that area. Take the "L". What's the best way to remove it while preventing further damage/infection?
TLDR: How do I remove my industrial to let my ear heal on its own, while avoiding further infection?

Mari dies, but everyone acts differently, Basil is mad, mad about how Sunny is sheltering himself and ignoring him while is guilt builds and manifests. Aubrey tried to move on and make new friends (mainly Kim). Kel became sad, not just because of Mari’s death but because of how his brother acts. Kel wants to spark something out of his brother in the hopes that one day, he’ll return to his usual happy self, but that day never comes. Hero (as mentioned before) is a complete mess. After the death of Mari, he’s been so blinded by grief that he doesn’t have the will to go to college.
Basil just has the absolute worst time. He’s burdened by the guilt of killing Mari. I have this idea of adding OC’S who are Basil’s other childhood friends. And this is the original group Basil used to hang out with earlier than the gang. They disbanded due to many of them going to boarding school. This original Gang try to help Basil, but since he’s naturally an introvert, he pushes them away, causing even more problems. Then, his grandma passes away, which leads to him believing that he’s cursed as everything around him goes to shit. This makes him very self destructive and even more emotional than before…
So he picks up smoking.
Basil in this AU also had a brother named Rowan (I’m very sneaky) who went missing when he was 4 and I’m writing an original story about him and where he was. Basil’s parents are both canonically dead in this universe, his mother passed due to childbirth and his father died in a car accident when Basil was 7. His grandma told him that his father was just on a long business trip and even faked the cards that he writes to him. Also his father owns a multimillion dollar company that Basil doesn’t know he’s the heir of.
I can go in depth about all the other characters but this is getting too long.

So this is an update on how I accidentally killed a ghost. If you want to know how I accidentally killed a ghost, you can find the story here: [https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/13zet02/help\_i\_accidently\_killed\_a\_ghost\_and\_i\_dont\_know/\].
Around 30 minutes after I made the original post, my coworker, Sunny, came down the basement stairs. Her mouth was agape as she saw the lifeless body of the ghost woman lying near the foot of the stairs. Her head had stopped bleeding the inky liquid, but her eyes were now a milky white color.
She stared at the horrific display before looking back up at me. I thought she would have been freaking out, seeing a dead woman on the floor, but her expression was more of dismay. She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a sigh. "What happened?"
The coherent thoughts in my head that would have clarified everything came out as a jumbled mess from my mouth. "I-I was watching the tapes and sorting, and there were only two tapes left, so..." My rambly explanation was cut short by her accusatory shout, "So you watched the tape with the red strip!"
The conviction in her voice made my heart sink. I retorted as quickly as she had cut me off, "No! I said there were only two tapes. Of course, I would choose the one that I had to watch and not the one I wasn't supposed to!"
Sunny was taken aback by what I said. "So you're telling me the tape without the red strip caused this?"
"Yes! For crying out loud, she climbed out of the TV!" My voice cracked a bit after I finished my sentence.
Sunny breathed out a deep sigh and walked down the remaining steps, taking extra caution not to step into the black puddle of blood. She seemed to be investigating the scene, looking at the water that spilled out of the TV and ran down the TV cart.
"Where are her footprints?" the question caught me off guard.
"It dried up," I answered.
"In under 5 minutes?"
I stared at her, baffled. "What do you mean? I've been waiting for you for like an hour and a half."
"What? But I ran all the way here. 5 minutes," the sincerity in her voice was undeniable.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the time displayed. "See, it's 7:30. I called you at 6:30. Where were you at that time?" I spoke while raising my phone up to her.
Sunny's eyes started to widen as she raised her arm, pulling back the sleeve to reveal a very fancy-looking wristwatch. "The time is six past six," her voice quivered. I walked over to also look at her watch, and she was right. The time on her watch was six past six, six minutes past six o'clock. We both looked at each other in utter shock.
Behind us, we heard the sound of a loud static eruption. Both of our heads turned in sync to look at the television set where we heard the loud bang. The sight was captivating. I don't know how to describe it accurately, but the screen of the TV was overflowing with blue static, like smoke pouring out and floating up to the ceiling.
I found myself walking over to the television set and decided to see if I could stick my hand in. I have no idea why I thought of this idea, but I did. Astoundingly, my hand went through the TV. It felt cold and wet, with the sensation of bubbles clinging to my arm, as if I had stuck my hand into a large bucket of club soda. I pulled my hand out, drenched in the bluish water. I looked back at Sunny and saw that we were both thinking the same thing.
Now, if you had told me that I would be dragging the body of a ghost woman across a basement to force through a TV that looked like a portal to a watery dimension, I would have laughed and slapped you across the face. But, with the help of Sunny, we successfully dragged the corpse all the way to the television. Now came the part of dumping her body into the TV portal. We managed to get her head into the TV and were busy trying to maneuver her shoulder in as well.
We took a break when half of her torso was in the TV portal, only showing her backside. Pushing a fully-grown woman into a box TV-sized portal proved really tiring. After the break, we went back to work. Only this time, the ghost woman's hand twitched. I yelped as I saw her index finger slightly curl, and Sunny let out a bunch of startled curses.
Our screams grew as we saw the ghost start to reanimate. Her hand curled into fists, violently swinging as her legs kicked. Her ear-piercing wails came back full force, as if her skull being cracked on a bunch of stairs had merely paused it.
Now, for the second and hopefully final time, I acted out of sheer panic. I ran up to the television, grabbed her legs, and shoved her deeper into the TV portal. She beat my chest with her kicks and made my ears ring with her blood-curdling screeches, but I refused to let up. I finally got her all the way through the TV as quickly as humanly possible. I yanked the cords linking the TV to the VHS player. Finally, her wails were cut short as the TV showed static.
For good measure, I also took the VHS out of the player and tossed it back into the box. I looked back at Sunny, who remained frozen, her hand covering her mouth as her eyes widened. For a long while, she imitated a statue. She finally spoke after a while, "Hey, um..."
"Yeah?" I said, perking my ears.
"We're not gonna say anything, right?"
"I wasn't planning on it."
She returned to her animated state, and we both walked out of the basement, climbing the stairs. "Are we gonna clean up the blood?" I asked from behind.
"I'll do it later tonight. But how did you kick a ghost?"
"I don't know. I either have a superpower, or it was just a really shitty ghost."
Sunny chuckled at the remark as we left the basement, now entering the warehouse. She stopped before turning around and flashing the light almost in my eyes. "Um... Are you gonna quit?" the question was a bit out of the blue but considering what happened, probably not totally unexpected.
"Maybe. I mean, other than what just happened today, this job is pretty sweet," my response seemed to ease her as she gave a light smirk. I then asked her, "You gonna quit?" She immediately retorted, "Oh god no. Where else would I go, retail?" I laughed at her response to my question, and we walked back to the front of the store. The manager saw me appear and walked down to greet me.
"Hello, new employee. How was your shift as an archivist?" The manager flashed his perfect row of teeth and smirked at me. "It went well," I responded, a bit nervous.
"Good, good. Did you watch all the VHS tapes as required?"
"Yes, sir, but there was one with a red strip that I didn't watch."
"Oh, yes, how fantastic. Now..." the manager pulled something out of his pocket, still maintaining eye contact. "Here is your bonus. Spend it on something good." He gave me a light slap on the shoulder before walking back to his office.
I looked down at the $20 bill in my hand. All that for $20. I can at least buy a couple of tubs of ice cream with this money. I grabbed my things and left the store, saying goodbye to Sunny as I walked out.
I am now typing this story in the comfort of my apartment, also with a half tub of ice cream on my lap. This might be my last post; I'm not really sure. I mean, some interesting things are bound to happen if I take the night shift, right?

My mom died 5 years ago and my dad isn’t really present for my life. Don’t really have any involved family either. I’ve got a good relationship with my girlfriend, but sometimes I feel incorrectly placed in her priorities and feel very alone/left out. After I graduated, I didn’t really have any friends left. Met my brother and sister+their kids for the first time 2 years ago and they’re halfway across the country where I was born. I don’t feel like I belong in this state anymore. I’m so sick of begging for people to come and stay but I’m more sick of feeling so alone in this world. I feel like a fucking hotel. I’ve lost everything and I put a smile for the rest of the world. Even “lonely” people at least have some outlet or someone to talk to, but I’ve got nothing left here. I doubt there’s even any response to this, just figured it’s my only option. Only thing holding me back from just running so far away from this place is my girlfriend that I feel more and more pushed away from each day. Idk what it’s been this year, but the only one I held close is slipping away with the rest. I’ve fought a lot of urges to sink into alcoholism or pills for awhile, and I’m trying to put my faith into religious exploration to feel like I can hold onto something in dark times. Those movies where someone changes their name, fakes their death, etc seem so appealing cause then I’d finally be heard. I wish it was a bit more realistic so I could just start over entirely.

Short rant: When you post on the seeking diagnosis threads of illness subreddits nearly every response might as well be a veiled version of “you silly little bitch, I bet you’re walking around with fingernails, and your eyeballs haven’t turned purple yet, and your seventh 7th toe from the left isn’t sentient yet, how dare you post here? Unless you crave pastrami sandwiches every third Wednesday of the month you do NOT have (VDD) Very Devastating Disease.”
Long rant: I’ve been sick for a couple years, but really badly the last year almost a year. I’ve lost 30 pounds, left work, lost half of my hair, I’m always in pain, get brutal skin flare ups, nerve pain, numbness, vision loss, yada yada. I’m only 31 and it’s just taking every ounce of freedom I had.
While I save money to be able to see a specialist and get an MRI, I’ve made the mistake of checking out subreddits of the illnesses that have been mentioned to me. Last Dr. thought autoimmune, current Dr. thinks something demyelinating like MS, Dr. friend thinks something caused by spirochete Bacteria. Every one of those things I just listed are notoriously difficult to diagnose because the symptoms are all over the place and no one case looks like another. Each of them tend to mimic each other in a few ways as well.
Lots of these illness subreddits have a pinned weekly seeking diagnosis thread called something like “Is this [Insert illness here]?”. Like an idiot, I thought this was meant to be an opportunity to get feedback and cross reference other peoples symptoms to see if anything strikes a chord with someone who can shed a light, tell tell you what questions to ask your doctor, etc.. All I’m doing is killing time right now, so why the fuck not right make a quick post? I’m not banking on medical advice from Reddit, and I keep an open mind every possibility. Fuck, I’ll see a psychiatrist if no one can ever figure this out to see if it’s all in my head. I’m all ears at this point.
MOST people who are active are so hell-bent on being the only one in the world suffering from anything and love treating anybody who hasn’t been diagnosed with the condition like a fucking idiot for using their non-diseased fingies to type out these lies in order to join the ever so desired, but elite community of people with… DEBILITATING FUCKING DISEASES. They make a career out of being professional victims and spend way too much time either posting about how sick they are, or how not sick someone else is. This is the majority of active (being the key word) users, obviously not everyone.
Congratulations, you have Lupus, that sucks. Sure hope I don’t. But you absolutely should not be running around telling people, a lot of them confused, frightened, and with poor access to healthcare, that they without a doubt do NOT have said illness. It’s mind blowing. It’s fine to say “this doesn’t really look VDD to me”, it’s completely different to come at someone with attitude, gaslighting them, and going into painstaking, made up detail as to why you not craving kimchi right after you fart makes you a monster for even considering posting on their precious thread.
It sucks to be so sick, I get it. But you know what sucks more wanna Doogie Howser with your degree from LiveLaughLove university? Not getting any kind of treatment because no one has figured out why you’re sick yet. There’s always people out there who are going through a hell of a lot more than you, and I sure as shit don’t claim to be the sickest girl at the party. I hope to God I don’t have something serious, least of all MS, because they are truly terrible conditions to live with. I’ve watched 2 very close loved ones slowly lose their humor, spirit, dignity - the very essence of who they once were, and ultimately their lives to things like MS and Myocarditis before we made major strides in keeping people with those things alive. Do you seriously want to hoarde some thing like that? Having shitty genes or getting bit by a tick doesn’t make you a doctor, or better than anyone. Maybe you got a little dose of sympathy from people in your life when you first told them and it felt good so you just couldn’t stop? Whatever it is, it’s lame, and dangerous for the people who actually get there medical advice from Reddit.
If you take offense to this cause you’re one of these clowns - scram Tricia or Jerry or whatever the fuck your Reader’s Digest loving name is. Unclip your Walmart Readers and kick up your compression sock wearing, sentient toe having feet. I bet you think the Good Doctor is a good show. Kindly stop and I hope you feel better.

Waking up and processsing my life and those around me has been challenging. I’ve put off therapy thinking I can manage my anger and deep pain. Hours and hours deconstructing my thought processes, doctrines and my life I’ve hit rock bottom and I guess for my family and mental health I’m putting this in writing as the first step in ending a book I’m my life.
My child was 10 when covid hit and I woke up. She expressed her views on disbelief in God and I assured her I would never abandon her and promised to give her dignity to have her own beliefs. I never pushed anything on her. I still have my beliefs and faith in God. I pray, read my Bible but don’t include her in it or make her do anything. Over the past couple of years as she has gotten older we have realized if her lips are moving she’s lying. She’s a pathological liar. She’s been like that since she was little but I thought she would grow out of it. She’s getting into a world of trouble and upon search of her room I found that she has a Wiccan pagan manual and has most likely been practicing witchcraft. For the past two years I look at her and I don’t even see my daughter her eyes are glossed over she can’t look at me in the eyes she can’t even come near me or hug me. We used to be so close. Long story short she’s made really bad decisions and her anger with me has led to her lying about things that have irreversibly damaged everyone in the family.
Her anger with me lies in the fact that I don’t except her behavior, the way she treats people and her actions. She has become sadistic tendencies as well and has traits of enjoyment seeing other people suffer. She’s gotten lost in the shuffle of me dealing with being raised in a cult and how my life has been. I realized that the past two years of deconstruction has left me ill-equipped emotionally to be able to parent her in the way that she needs. Not only do I have intense anger and pain from the effects of the cult but I also have an immense amount of guilt for not being able to be the parent that she needs and deserves.
I’ve realized that my relationship with the organization has mirrored itself and that has become the relationship between me and my daughter. I felt the organization had abandoned rejected me judged me and so I lashed out on the organization and my daughter feels rejected and judged by me so she’s lashed out against me.
What I realized is that I can’t go on like this anymore I can’t keep checking Reddit I can’t be concerned anymore with witnesses do don’t do or what the organization does it’s destroying me. It’s destroying my family and getting out didn’t solve it. My father believes that the subpoenaed shepherd the flock book is a fake from apostate they believe Geoffrey Jackson’s testimony is a deep fake and it’s all lies by apostates. It’s literally driven me insane.
They’re never gonna change there’s nothing I can do. To the many activists out there that are fighting for changes in laws loopholes and exposing this cult for what it is you’re heroes cause it’s something I can’t do I can’t keep going like this.
I have to completely walk away and not allow any JW things in my life so that I can heal and be there for my daughter because I don’t wanna lose her and I’ve already lost so much.
Today is the day that I need to let go of everything and I have to write this out for closure.
I’m going to get Professional help because of what I’m realizing is the damage done from this cult is far greater and deeper then one can process on their own.
Peace and love be with you all

This all started the year of 2021
April 2021- this is when the pregnancy shit started she was leading people basically telling them stay tuned so when she goes to the doctor she can tell them if she's pregnant or not.
May 2021- is when she announced her pregnancy. Plus the car accident. Reminder this car accident caused the miscarriage she claimed but she still drives that car to this day.
June 2021- exposed page expose her for faking a pregnancy because the ultrasound she had on her profile picture said she was 20 weeks pregnant which doesn't make sense if she announced her pregnancy May. Side note people was asking when is the gender reveal and she kept saying she's too early in her pregnancy to find out but if you're ultrasound says 20 weeks pregnant you can more than find out the gender of your baby. That was one major red flag people choose or stupidly ignored.
September 2021- when she finally made the video about the truth about her pregnancy it took her 2 to 3 months to respond to the allegations even though September she was not even pregnant yet so she was still lying. And let me tell you how I know she was not even pregnant September when she made the video saying she was pregnant but she was not pregnant. The video she said she had the miscarriage the ending of May and she got pregnant immediately the beginning of June. Okay you guys still with me and people are still asking what's the gender of the baby and she kept saying she's too early in her pregnancy but she got pregnant in June and we in September October of 2021 at this point and you still don't know the gender because you too early or you just full of shit. Now if she got pregnant in June Sy supposed to be born in March 2022 not August 2022. The baby was born in August Nika had got pregnant November of 2021. Mind you then this girl did her gender reveal like in January maybe February took her so long to tell the gender even though she claimed she got pregnant in June.
Side evidence- yes I know this happened 2 years ago but I don't like how she lied about being pregnant. What was the point of making all of this up you're not famous. And why did you have to get pregnant to prove a point to us knowing you cannot financially support a another baby. You should have came on live and said I was lying about being pregnant and that's all because people will still support you to this day if you lied or did not lied. This is why she refused to take a pregnancy test online cuz she knows she was not pregnant and that shit will came back negative instantly she lied to you guys or to her bookies and they were still support her to this day and it's sad.

Did you attend the STS20 show at the KIA Forum (3900 W Manchester Blvd, Inglewood, CA 90305) on the evening of 11-March-2023 performed by the band known as A.F.I. (A Fire Inside: D. Marchand, J. Puget, A. Carson, H. Bergan, et. al.)? Did you and your family undergo great expense to make this trip only to meet disappointment with this band playing the Sing the Song (2002, Dreamworks Records) album songs as a setlist with nothing further to justify your expense? Did the merchandise situation disappoint you with either selection or delivery times? And most importantly, have you suffered emotional distress causing your friends, redditors and loved ones to lose interest in you due to constant symptomatic whining?
If you answered "Yes" to these questions, then you are a victim and might be entitled to a proposed compensatory package which our team has outlined below. We are just like you in that we love AFI but we too are tired of these renowned musicians and their management teams perpetrating the taking of your money and failing to deliver that extra 10 minutes just to play Reiver's Music or Now the World. Only with your support can we stand up and fight for the right to party.
Our settlement proposal to AFI is a new no-cost show to be held at the same venue exactly one year after the original offending incident exclusively for all victims of the original Kia Forum show. This show will complete the originally purchased live music product with sings that everyone agrees were to have been performed on the night of 11-March-2023. And it shall include:

• Compensation for victims travel and expenses up to $1500.
• Free pet and child care during the night of the show, hosted by Bam Margera
• Performance of the following remedial setlist :

1. Dulceria
2. Rabbits are roadkill
3. Now the world
4. Synesthesia
5. Reiver’s Music
6. [protracted silence and random pretentious lighting effects]
7. [loud boom]
8. Bawk bawk chewy
9. Midnight sun
10. Now the world Part #2
11. Days of the Phoenix
12. Good Riddance by Green-day with special guest appearance from Maynard James Keenan

• Surprise guest features by Dexter Holland, Nick13 of Tiger Army, and former AFI member Markus Stopholese to support "Oh's!" of lead singer Davey Havok throughout the entirety of the show
• A new merchandise selection at prices approved by our team with new and familiar designs
• Guaranteed inventory of the well received but extreme limited availability "STS20 Ouija Board"
• AFI themed mocktails curated by world renowned straight-edge bartender, Davey Edge

We have heard your pleas, your tears and your agony. We offer our compassion, and rest assured : we are here to support your Despair. We will work hard to put the music that you want to hear in your ears.
Please voice your support here and provide your own amendments to our settlement proposal.
Through your bleeding, we are one.

I found myself commenting a lot about sleep training my 13 mo. Posts about older babies usually have fewer responses because most people sleep train earlier. This post details how we sleep trained, night weaned, and dealt with early morning wake-ups. It does not include nap training.
Method - Sleep Wave from The Happy Sleeper book
Background - We moved when LO was 4 months old. I started a new job when she was 4.5 mo and she started daycare at 5 mo. We had originally planned to sleep training but after all that upheaval I was really enjoying nursing to sleep and rocking my daughter for awhile before putting her down. It was the most peaceful time of day for me. Also, it was working really well, so I didn’t feel the need to sleep train at them time. I’d also let the internet get into my head a little about sleep training and was less inclined to try.
As I said, it was working really well. I nursed to sleep, she got up twice a night to eat and that was really it until 8.5 months. Then, we had a never ending chain of ear infections which culminated in tubes at 11.5 months. Sleep was so terrible during that time (which obviously was inevitable) and while it got better, it never really recovered. So we sleep trained at 13 months.
Sleep Training - The Sleep Wave
I highly recommend reading the book. The method involves a sleep routine and 5 minute check-ins with a mantra.
Our bedtime routine: - breastfeeding - diapers and pjs - brush teeth - baby led play (awesome and highly recommend!) - sleep sack - books - rocking and lullaby - put down awake and say mantra
Check-ins: - If she was crying, we’d set a timer for 5 mins - timer goes off —> go in room, say a mantra like “it’s time sleep. We’ll be right outside. We love you.” Then, leave the room. No soothing. - Repeat check-in until asleep - She stops crying but then restarts, restart the timer when she starts crying again - Since I was breastfeeding (and to be honest baby is more attached to me), it was critical that my husband did the check-ins. Once we switched the first night, it was much faster. - We continued breastfeeding overnight until done with sleep training. If it had been 3 hours, I went in and fed her. Tried to put her down awake (didn’t always happen, I didn’t stress it). If she cried, my husband did the sleep wave. -If she cried between feedings, my husband did the sleep wave.
Night 1 - She was overtired. Fell asleep after one check-in by me. But woke up an hour later and screamed. I did a handful of check-ins that didn’t work great. She was standing and crying when I went in. My husband took over. I think after 2 check-ins with him, she went to sleep. She ate twice overnight, cried when I put her down, but went to sleep each time with 1-2 check-ins for Dad. She woke up a few times and went to sleep with check-ins.
Night 2 - cried when put down but went to sleep with 2 check-ins (I think). Ate overnight and woke up a few times but less than night 1
Night 3 - cried when out down but asleep after 1 check-in. Ate overnight twice. I don’t think she cried other times.
Nights 4-5 - I honestly can’t remember. She may have needed one check-in in the beginning or after eating. We were definitely done after 5 nights though.
Nights 6-7 - sometimes she would cry a little but always less than 5 minutes. Started timing limiting night feeds to 5 mins to prepare for weaning.
Night weaning - Reducing time
For a few nights before, I limited feeds to five minutes based on the book’s suggestion. Then, I dropped 30 seconds every other night. She eventually dropped to one feed and then none. If she regressed, I used the last amount of time. We were done in a week. She dropped them all before we hit the final time of 1 min 30 seconds. I think after that you start cutting feeds beginning with the earliest.
Early morning wake-ups - Sleep Wave and Green light
The downside of sleep training is it came with 5-5:30 wake-ups which were never an issue before. At first we just dealt with it but once sleep training and night weaning were cemented for a week or two, we followed the book’s advice.
We used the sleep wave from 5-6 am. The book recommends 6 am (or 11 hours after bedtime) as your okay to wake time. Even if that meant a check in at 5:55am. At 6 am, we went in, made a big deal about it being morning, and got up for the day. I also started using the green light and bird sounds on the hatch to signal it’s okay to wake. But I turn it on manually right before going in because we don’t actually need to be up until 6:30.
It took about a week. She just made it past 6 two nights in a row. Hopefully, it sticks. The book says to expect it to take 2-3 weeks.
Naps - We haven’t napped trained because we mostly don’t need to and she goes to daycare. Before daycare, we did drowsy but awake while we stayed in the room and sang. She learned to nap independently at daycare pretty much right away. Sometimes she wakes up to early on the weekends from naps. We hold her to if she hasn’t slept an hour yet. Since she’s only napping at home two days a week, we’re not going to nap train. Might do it when we drop to one nap if it’s an issue.
This post has gotten ridiculously long and it’s time to go to the playground. I’m going to edit it later. I’m sure there’s mistakes but I’ll post now so I don’t lose it.